A Journey in Words

August 16, 2009

She suddenly realised that the day before her half birthday was a good time to get smart about this.

August 15, 2009

It sounded like it to him - he didn't like it when people called him a liar. People should have come across with whatever they had. He was out of there - but where did he go? He couldn't just disappear. He had no idea what was going on, but he sensed it wasn't the best thing ever to happen to him.

She answered the phone. The trunk was by her side, and her mother was the one on the phone. Nag nag nag, same as usual. And there he finally appeared, out of the trunk as if by magic. The steamer trunk had protected him and carried him through all of this, and he was going to rely on it to carry him through every single time. That was just how it had always been, how it was now, and how it always would be. There was nothing else for him to say that hadn't already been said, and he didn't know exactly what to do with the things he had.

There wasn't much - a couple of shoe boxes full of personal items, photos and whatnot, and maybe some clothes or some bags of effects. He traveled light, he never overloaded himself with things he didn't need. He didn't see the point, and he didn't want things to get out of control past his limits. That's the rule.

August 14, 2009

Thailand. Malaysia. And maybe Cambodia and maybe Laos. There's just no end to what can be done, but I'll have to admit right away that we won't be able to do every single thing, it just won't be possible.

Ah, the things we miss by sitting here, and the ways we change our minds about what is acceptable and what is not. It's just ridiculous, how much the climate changes and which ways the winds blow. The ladybugs sit there, and sometimes they even let you pick them up, but then they suddenly fly off without warning. It's ridiculous to think you can contain or control them, or that anything you say or do is going to help the situation or change the course of fate.

This is the best thing to do, the best thing to try. You just need to live and forget about everything else, because the living is the good part, and the good part can last for as long as you will it to. In fact, the good part is always just on the verge of beginning, and it's also so far in the past. Where nostalgia meets excitement about the future, that is the moment of now, the time where we can be thankful and hopeful at the same time.

It's a wonderful feeling, and indeed I am quite thankful.

August 13, 2009

Paying in advance was what he liked the most about his situation. The feeling the people owed him, not the other way around. Because owing people is terrible, he thought; one never wants to be in a position where one has to pay someone back. It's a dreadful feeling, and he did his best to avoid it at all costs.

This time it was something he knew was coming, something he would not be able to dodge. This was a tornado in Kansas in the heart of the tornado season, and it was coming right for him. He knew there was no way out or around - it would make a beeline in his direction no matter which way he tried to dodge.

He had never realised how many things in his life were black. Literally - as he looked around the room, more and more black objects kept poking their heads out, as if to say, here I am, I'm black! It was something he had never noticed before, and he wondered why it was. It didn't seem to be anything he could measure or control, it was just a fact and now he was being faced with it, too late to do anything about it, unless his next plan was to burn his house down and start over... and maybe it was his plan, maybe.

August 12, 2009

Here is where it starts and where it ends. New cycles, taking us around and around again. I am the queen of recycling, it seems - I am the best at getting things started up again, if not finishing them. This is good, though - at least I know how to start.

Let's go back in time to an era of Asia when things were less defined, where the word "borders" meant a lot less than it does now. Even today, though, some parts of Asia don't understand the concept of land ownership, of a human being able to possess a section of the earth. It seems ridiculous when you think about it, that something like a planet could be claimed, carved up, and divided into belongings that go to a particular person. How is that even possible? The truth is, it's probably not, but we have a go anyway, because that's the easiest way to make money, to sell land that we do not even own. How does that cycle begin? Who is the first person to claim ownership on something, to draw a border on it? One would think it is a government, and then the government is arrogant enough to think it owns something and has the right to sell that something. And then the cycle continues the next time someone needs money.

August 11, 2009

The mug shot, that was the name of the bar. Post traumatic stress disorder. Attention, there is something in progress. You might as well just tell them to run, because that is what they're going to do anyway, little guy. The evil baby is the one who finishes everything. But don't worry, we're going straight to our customers with this.

I can't believe it, after the taste of human flesh, one cannot go back. One has to channel these things into positive directions. So relax, it's just someone you know well, no reason to get upset. If you want to party, go back to the old way.

Snakes are chopped up, your weird new pet. There is nothing good or bad about this, only neutral. If someone is seeking attention, don't give it to them. After months of practice, anything and anyone can learn how to dance. If there's an escapee, then you have to escape yourself, as well. You can sniff things out, but don't be surprised if you find scotch instead of what you were looking for.

People have to get over things, even though there is nothing really to get over. Things can appear to be safe, but indeed they are dangerous. A cloud of danger, a cloud of fear and fright. This is the end of the long day.

August 10, 2009

Apathy. Complete and total apathy toward everyone and everything, that was what he felt, and in fact that was all he thought he could feel, forever. Of course he knew at some level that it wasn't true, that he would be able to feel at some point in the course of the journey, but right now, at this moment, he couldn't even fathom it.

So he lay on the sofa and waited, watched some television, and generally killed time until it was time to kill some more time. He ordered a pizza and ate it half-heartedly as he clicked through the channels on the satellite. There was the usual array of game shows, infomercials, and general women's interest shows, all of which were pretty much useless to him, but since he felt useless himself, he was determined to be one with the useless things, in order to build up the strength he needed to be the king of the uselessness. Because it was important to have goals - even if you were on track to be the laziest person in the world, it would still require some effort on your part to become king of the lazies, the leader of those who loaf. And this was his aim, which he thought he would get around to soon... maybe tomorrow or the next day.

August 9, 2009

She wondered if it could be done backwards. Not in reverse, you understand, but rather the second part before the first part, the acts reversed as if it were a play where things started out in the middle of the conflict, resolved, and then were suddenly in a flashback that showed the audience how we got to the middle of the conflict, which was at the beginning.

Because this was how life really was - it wasn't a story where everything happened in a linear fashion and there was a nice dénouement at the end like there was in the movies or on stage. It was more like giving a three-year-old some paper and crayons and telling him to draw the history of the world in his own interpretation, without words but only with illustrations. And then trying to make some sense of that in the end, after he'd gone home for the day and it was no longer possible to contact the artist, as it were.

And this was about how much sense it all made, an amount of sense that was not measurable for two reasons: one, because it was two small, on average; two, because the outline of it fluctuated so much, not like a person who gains and loses weight, but like water in containers of different shapes.

August 8, 2009

The beginning was simple enough, everyone was happy except for our protagonist, or is that protagoniste, who was a bit fuzzy around the edges for all the things she couldn't understand about life and how it worked. She was young, she was green, and she was eager but too eager all at the same time. She found it frustrating that she didn't really get things yet, considering how many things she had indeed tried in such a short time.

She had this thing in her mind, or maybe it was her heart - she couldn't be sure if either existed. The mind was part of her brain, she thought, and probably the heart was part of the mind, a weak and romantic part of the mind where dust collected to cover the parts that once worked properly. This was what had happened to her, she thought, and now we come to the part where the conflict was, only this time it was internal rather than external. It was all inside her, this amalgam of head and mind and heart and body that apparently one could only control up to a point, and then after that it was all left to chance, as she didn't believe in fate. She wanted to tell the story. She wondered if it could be done backwards.

August 7, 2009

We like to think that our adventures will be romantic, not in the passionate love sort of way, but in the "and then our hero saved the day" sort of way. Rarely if ever are they actually like that. In fact, in my experience, you're better off having adventures of the mind, and in that realm only are you really free to adventure exactly as you wish.

This is the best of my memory; this is the worst of my experiences. I think that these will be the best times of my life if I can figure out exactly what to do with them in this different and unexpected way of mine. If I can do that, then everything will proceed as normal, or abnormal, and this will be the way we go through every act of every day - listening to the radio, socialising with friends, and whatever else it is we tell ourselves to do or not to do. It is by this that we cannot be normal, we cannot be the best of ourselves, and we cannot be the worst of ourselves, either.

This is all okay. It is all how things are supposed to be, if you believe in things like that. Which I don't, of course, because I have a good brain that works correctly.

August 6, 2009

So tonight is the night it all begins, and where was she? In her office, in a meeting, which was exactly where she did not want to be. In the office, she was reduced to an ant, or perhaps worker bee was a better analogy. Indistinguishable from everyone else, buzzing around unnoticed while all the other worker bees buzzed around unnoticed.

But tonight... tonight she would be a princess, a princess preparing to be a queen. She would dress in the traditional red, a veil over her head, and all the women in her circle would all but worship her. They would gather around in her honour, for her honour, in honour of her honour, as it were, and they would celebrate. It would be half fun and half sad, as it was intended to be. The fun part would be the dressing up, the jokes, the food, the friends nearby. The sad part would be the thinking, the wondering, the end of an era. Tomorrow her new life would begin, in an entirely different setting and different way. It was difficult to think about, impossible to imagine, but she was ready. Ready to dive in blindly, ready to accept whatever challenge was coming her way. She had faith, she had belief, and she had her loving family.

August 5, 2009

And suddenly the week was busy, crazy busy in fact, and she had no idea where to start with taming it. There was always this need in her to tame, as well, as if busy were an unwanted behaviour that the owner in her wanted to condition out of the dog in her.

She had no idea how she was going to fit everything in, but she was certainly going to try her best. She had no other choice, she was locked into certain things and it was all going to happen whether she did anything or not, so she needed to buckle down and make sure she did in fact do something, or it would all pass her by.

This was the best of the best, and the worst of the worst at the same time. This was the sort of thing she thrived on, contradictions and paradoxes. Her mother called it self-sabotage, the art of appearing happy, being bored, and embarking on adventures all at the same time. It was fun, her mother said, but not terribly adult or responsible. She had no interest in being adult or responsible, though, and it was enough for her to live her life and go along enjoying the things it threw at her from all directions and distances.

August 4, 2009

Everybody wants something, don't they, he thought. Since five o'clock in the morning he'd been pestered by people who were demanding things - some reasonable, some not. And they always came in bursts, didn't they - they couldn't be spaced ot like normal, they had to all come at once or not at all. It was ridiculous, almost comic, but somehow it had failed to make him laugh.

He was tired more than anything, just wanted to sleep and enjoy the feeling of unconsciousness, but unfortunately unconsciousness wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Even in dreams he was plagued with obligations, things that the people in his dreams expected him to do or be or say. These were difficult situations, awkward, because he wasn't the type to say stuff just to say it.

And right now, this very second, what he wanted more than anything was milk. A nice, cold glass of milk with some chocolate chip cookies would really hit the spot. Unfortunately, finances did not allow for such indulgences, but he was going to do the best he had with what was available... and what was available wasn't much. Crackers, maybe, or perhaps some processed chicken in a can. It wasn't The Ritz, that was for sure, but it was a bad pun, too.

August 3, 2009

He thought about how much he hated this situation, but even more he thought about how much he despised his reaction to it. There was a time in his life that it wouldn't have mattered, that to him the difference between the deposit being there and the deposit not being there would have been nil in his head. He was a much nicer person then, very loose and free with money - if it was there, it was there, if it wasn't, it wasn't. It was no big deal either way, and that was the way he always liked to think about it.

Except that that wasn't possible anymore. Something got rewired in his brain along the way, and now the deposit not showing up was a very, very big deal indeed. He checked his bank account every half hour, actually, and had to stop himself from checking more often than that. And of course, with a watched pot never boiling and all that, the money hadn't come, the deposit nowhere to be found. It had left the other account with no problems, so that wasn't the issue - it was just that some other bank had decided to hold onto it for a day or two, to get the interest. He thought that was truly unfair.

August 2, 2009

The bed was comfortable enough, she thought, or rather it had been comfortable a few days ago when she first found herself in it. Now that she had been lying in exactly the same position for the better part of a week, she had lost track of what was comfortable and what wasn't anymore, and in fact she took her general numbness as a sign that comfort wouldn't have even registered in her brain anymore.

She did feel hungry, though, hungrier than she had since arriving in the bed, and she wondered exactly when the man who brought the food was going to come back and try again. He'd been attempting to feed her for a while now, to no avail. She hadn't been hungry up to this point, and despite his insistence that she try to eat something, she hadn't been able to scrape together the energy to do so. He had made some idle threats about feeding tubes and whatever other drastic measures, but she had ignored him, and now she knew that no further persuasion would be necessary - she would happily eat of her own accord now.

Only the man hadn't come back in a long while, and she wondered just when she would get the chance to do that eating.

August 1, 2009

Anika woke up in her bed to find it was a new month. She had dreamed some prophetic dreams, some things that involved nostalgia and future nostalgia and imagining things that weren't and would never be. But they were positive dreams, despite all the confusion and time travel, and she was glad to have had them and understood them and been entertained by them.

The entertainment went further as she sat up and realised that some of these things were actually real - she looked out her window to see clouds on one side, and city sidewalks on the other, glossy with the reflections of having been watered down. She thought about what the feeling would be like, sitting down in clean pants on that wet curb, letting the warmth and the wet soak through to her skin. In most circumstances it would be unpleasant at best, but these weren't most circumstances, to be sure.

So out the window she went, completely confident that there was no longer any multi-story fall awaiting her, and no quick death or slow death or indeed any death at all. She was walking on air more than figuratively, and yet she could feel the dampness of the bricks beneath her bare feet, still cold from the night air.

July 31, 2009

There was a hallway, a long, dark hallway leading to god knows where... she was being led down the hallway - no, forced down it - by an arm that was attached to a person she couldn't see. She assumed it was a man, quite a large man, in fact, because the hand was simply too big and too strong to belong in any other configuration. She would not, for example, have let herself be led around like this by a woman.

She expected there to be some end to this journey, but so far that didn't appear to be the case. They were just walking and walking, turning at junctions where the hallway crossed with other hallways, and she was trying not to think too much about how many turns there had been or where they were now in relation to where they started. In fact, she thought, it was quite possible that they had been walking in a modified circle over and over - it was impossible to tell, though, because the hallway had no distinguishing characteristics, and theoretically it could indeed be one big circuit, and she would have had no way of knowing. There were some left turns and some right turns that they had made, so who knew the pattern?

July 30, 2009

Such complete opposites in one brain, he thought, such ups and downs all in the same set of thoughts, just hours apart. The highs, the lows, the English, the French... all crammed into one space and labeled as him, as his mind, allegedly a cohesive whole, but really just shattered shards glued together quickly, haphazardly even. Barely even adhesive, never mind cohesive.

So now his goal was to carry this stuck-together bundle of pieces through to the next level, whatever that was to be. It remained to be seen, of course, because not only had he not seen the next level, he had never known anyone who had. He had heard of people, of course, those mythical friends of cousins of sisters of friends who only exist in the realm of urban legends, but never any real people, aside from the odd celebrity here and there, and who knew how reliable even those stories were? Celebrity gossip was so rife with nonsense that it was difficult to tell.

But he was destined to put all that inane chatter to rest, as after this no one in the world would be able to talk about anything else with any level of seriousness. He was the real deal. And he was starting.... now.

July 29, 2009

To watch the mighty fall, to see something so sad as a once-strong man being pathetic and weak... but still trying his best to feign strength... it made me cringe, it made me look away in embarrassment, and it nearly made me want to cry. The same thing happens ninety percent of the time when you meet your heroes - they are never who you have built them up in your mind to be, and so when you finally see who they really are, it is often disappointed. Some people even get angry - they think they are angry with their hero, but really they are angry with themselves for having bought into the hype, for having been so gullible.

But anger or no, this situation is a learning experience, a chance to accept that we are the ones who need to be smarter about what we do and who we idolise. It's not just a matter of choosing someone and sticking with it... on the other hand, who wants to do research that might lead to an unpleasant truth? It's a difficult way to live, being faced with harsh realities all the time, and as honest as it is, it's not necessarily good to be confronted like that all the time.

July 28, 2009

Oh, the feeling of reduction... boiling it down to nothing but a thick paste of delicious, viscous frosting, the sweetest substance known to man. A wonderful flavour of caramel, sugar burned brown until it has that twinge of being toasted. Odd how sometimes we burn things and find that inedible, and then other times we burn them and find them superlative.

Maria, Maria... I think even if she had accepted the medical treatment she refused, it wouldn't have made a difference. She still would have died before she turned 30. Horses are such dangerous animals - I understand why people like them, and I certainly like them, as well, but I don't understand why people feel the need to ride them now that we have safer options available to us.

In fact, though, it's quite interesting to read about the people who died before me, who died too early, whom I outlived. It's both frightening and empowering at the same time to know that I made it longer than the king of Sweden, or that I've lived almost twice as long as some actresses and musicians. I have staying power, I'm going to be here for a long time to come, and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.

July 27, 2009

And in the meanwhile there is a storm brewing, a mighty, twisting storm that is the craziest and most terrible of all storms known to this world or any other, and as it pulls trains off the track and causes accidents and mishaps, it swirls around and causes itself to become a whole new entity, a body of mass that is not only itself, but much greater than the sum of its parts. That is its greatness, that is the reason it garners respect wherever it goes - not out of authority, but out of plain old fear, which in its own way is a kind of authority itself.

And this storm, it carries with it everything it can, and this is the best way for it to build its mass and grow its population. Oddly it doesn't get weighed down by the growing number of burdens it has, but rather it pulls even more strength from them and carries everything along in a great, sweeping tide of recklessness combined with complete mathematical control. And these are the contradictions, that it is great and weak at the same time, that it is control and lack of control simultaneously. And the paradox is wonderful, it spins of its own accord.

July 26, 2009

When Kevin walked along and suddenly found himself down in a dark hole with no way out, instead of crying or feeling frustrated, he decided to make the most of it and sit and enjoy the darkness and the quiet. Also, he had a curious nature, so it made sense for him to explore the dark and and find out everything there was to know about this place where he suddenly and inexplicably was. He was not the sort of boy to be afraid or to shy away from discovering things just because they were in that great unknown expanse of darkness.

As he wandered around, Kevin found himself wondering if this morning when he said goodbye to his mother would be the last time he would ever see her. He wondered if she would cry. Of course she would - she would call the police and they would search for him, but they would be looking in the wrong place because he was not where anyone would expect him to be. In fact, he was not sure if anyone would be able to find him even if he were in the expected place. He figured that was probably for the best, and set about his new path.

July 25, 2009

I'm a little disappointed with myself. Okay, a lot disappointed. I could be making so much money, and yet I'm getting paid by a twenty-something whose business pretty much pays for my lifestyle, and I can't even get that together.

So I'm kind of sitting here mourning my life, wondering where it all went wrong. And maybe that's an important step, maybe that will help me start to turn things around, who knows?

I just need a situation that I can enjoy and profit from at the same time, something where money and love are in fact the same activity. And you would think that wouldn't be that hard, as there is so much I love to do and so much I am good at doing. And yet, as soon as you tell me I have to do these things for someone other than myself, I completely lose interest. I mean, where is the fun in doing things for a project in which I have no emotional investment? And of course, if something is not fun I simply won't bother with it.

So here I am, pity party, and so forth. I need to pull out of it and just get with the program. Any program.

July 24, 2009

I'm starting my Friday early, just after midnight. Why? Because I have this desperate need to get back on track, to suddenly catch up with everything I'm behind on, which is everything I've ever done since I was six years old. Where are those days? Gone, I suppose, but they just keep making new ones for me to try, and those just keep getting better and better.

Today, or rather yesterday was... full of relief of all kinds. But now I'm rested, or rather I will be, and then that means I need to buckle down and do some work, for god's sake. It's time to stop messing around and get the ball rolling, or take the already rolling ball and push it in some kind of useful direction already. But what does use mean? Ah, here we go again with the heavy philosophy, which is probably not a great idea seeing as it's after midnight and I haven't been to sleep yet.

And sleep I will, because I have the help I need and the voice that lulls me. I enjoy it, I look forward to it, and tonight that's the last voice I'm going to hear. What an interesting thought to sleep on.

July 23, 2009

Already the new appears to be old, and the young appear to be old, as well. So how do we preserve things? This is where preservation heads over into creepiness... keeping the dead in a perfect state of not rotting, not decomposing, not heading into nature. It's beautiful and terrible at the same time, that paradox of beauty we all love so much. Keeping the old new, while it is still getting older and older and no less dead.

So we dance while we can, do what we ought, and eat and eat and eat. Although it has to be said, I've eaten nothing yet today, so it's hard to say what is possible and what is not. If I can listen to these swimming strings all day and not think too much about what I have to do, then there is still hope for me in this universe, I can still be the floating goddess that hovers over the beach and lounges in the treetops, shaded and sheltered and revered. This is the perfect situation, it is the perfect way to go about things in this life. One has to have separation from the world, as well as the best of both worlds.

July 22, 2009

Despite the warning signs in every aspect of my life, I plow forward and don't give too much thought to consequences. What's that called again? Oh yes, denial, that's right. Lovely, blissful denial.

This morning I spent all my time sorting through classical music and downloading the best of the best of the free stuff. Morning turned into afternoon; eventually I had to go out because I made a mistake with money and had to fix it. All my mistakes end up being about money eventually, don't they? And yet, I never seem to learn from those mistakes.

Walking home was a nightmare - the weather is getting truly hot now, and with the sun directly overhead I kind of got myself into trouble with overheating. By the time I got home the situation was semi-critical, and I had to sit in the dark and the air-conditioning with a pitcher of water, until everything was okay. It offset the rest of my day, though, as I still feel sort of out of it and not quite on the planet I'm usually on.

And now, bonus... migraine! The icing on the cake. Today is a write-off, officially; I'll try again tomorrow to be the super-me.

July 21, 2009

And now we are finally here, in the hottest part of the summer, but still it is not hot, and not really like a true summer. But I have a new table and I am happy, so there we go.

In fact, so much seems new around here, I hardly know where to hang onto anything familiar, or if anything familiar even exists anymore. My social life is blossoming in strange and odd ways, I can't even feel my throat anymore because it is numb with overuse.

And now I am in my default solitude again, but I have to say today was one of the few social interactions I've truly enjoyed. Over the hours I strain to think of what was said or done, but certainly none of it matters now. I'm full with baklava and I've had more caffeine than is humanly possible, and it feels really, really good.

These are the final fifty words, so make them count. Not count like one, two, three, but count like mean something. But what is the meaning of anything, really? There is none, and that is part of the beauty of it. We can just enjoy and not have it mean anything.

July 20, 2009

So, allegedly there are six secrets to this week, six projects that are going to define what this week is about. But they're not so secret if you're here reading this... and of course I know by now that you are, because I check my referrer stats. Ha.

One is that I want to start on a new music piece. I've selected a little ditty by Mozart, yay.

Two is that I want to get my writing done on schedule everyday this week. This will no doubt be the most difficult of the six.

Three is that I want to get my skin fully moisturised and my hair cut.

Four is that I want to eat healthy things.

Five is that I want to get down the road to repairing and restoring my typewriter.

Six is that I want to catch up on my photo count, which means I need to take about eighty photos this week.

These are all simple things in their own right, but we'll see if I pull this off. I have a good feeling about it, actually, because I have a lot of motivation and I feel like following through on this. I'm ready to begin.

July 19, 2009

So what do I do on days like today when I don't feel like writing and don't have the time to? I do it anyway, because that's just how I roll. Sure, it gets a work harder everyday, but what difference does it make? We just keep rolling and rolling. Me, my cipher.

So now I'm trying to catch up with things I don't even know why I attempt. There is just so much in this world to be doing, and so little money to be made at it. I'm thinking eventually I'll have to go underground like the crazy homeless autistic woman who lives outside with her computers. I have no idea how to put together what most people would refer to as a normal life.

I need to do some stuff that will make me money and make me happy, but I have no idea how do organise that or put things together in the right order. I'm an artist, not a business person - that's what it comes down to in the end. So I guess I need to hire an agent or something, but that was in another country and I can't quote any further about that.

July 18, 2009

And when she woke up from the dream she was the biographer of the composer, and this was the best time for writing about the music and the life of the most brilliant musical talent on the planet.

This is the planet where everything is backwards, where the women have the power and the men are subservient. Where artistic endeavour is the most important thing in the world, and science and math are merely side projects. Where progress is seen as keeping things as old-fashioned as possible, and moving forward is considered taking steps backward.

As you can see, there are some continuity issues, so one has to work out the details as one goes along. This should not be a problem, as there are several months in which to do so, and no one has to be serious until autumn... and late autumn, at that.

So this should give one plenty of time to work out the kinks and get the roller coaster running smoothly and quickly. Of course, if there is wood involved, then the bumps are intentional, which in this case would be the best possible scenario anyway, the thing that is coveted the absolute most.

July 17, 2009

What a glorious day! I am now the proud owner of a Cyrillic typewriter, and I couldn't be happier. No, I take that back - I could be happier if it were in my hands right now, but hopefully it will be within a matter of just a few short hours. There are some phone calls that need to be made and some instructions that need to be taken, but other than that I think it's all a go!

So I made myself this promise that I would learn some words in a Cyrillic language to make the best use of my typewriter... and that's exactly what I aim to do. However, there's one important thing that needs to be taken care of first - my typewriter needs a ribbon! I don't even know what kind of typewriter it is, though, so I probably need to sort that out first, and that of course requires taking delivery of it, which I will be doing in very short order, with any luck.

Other plans for today: write and write and write. In fact, that's the plan for the whole weekend. I'm so ready to be caught up, too. Rock and roll.

July 16, 2009

Tonight, I will be the proud owner of one Cyrillic typewriter.

This is the sort of thing that I didn't think I would ever buy, but here we are, and now of course I feel like I can't live without the thing. Such is the nature of auctions. And I get excited and unhappy and stressed and thrilled all at the same time. It's as horrible as it is wonderful.

What else... the wind will not stop blowing, and yet it is still feeling really hot in here. The thermometer says it's only 29 degrees outside, but I feel like it's already up in the mid 30s. In fact, I'm thinking about turning the air conditioner on, because it's hot and I'm sweaty. I need to take a shower first, though, because there's no point in feeling cool if I'm not clean.

I think the music I listen to has a lot to do with my mood and my attitude toward things. If I change the music, I change the mood, simple as that. It's such a simple equation, who would have thought that it would be that easy? Now, if only I can get some quiet.

July 15, 2009

One thing that annoys me is that people who are on the internet twenty-four hours a day don't seem to understand that there are those of use who aren't. This is one of the biggest problems I have with social networks having a mobile service - when you go out, it's the one chance you have to actually get away from the internet for a while, and what do you do? You do your best to find new and inventive ways to take the internet with you.

You know what I miss? When people went out and did stuff. No, not on web sites, out there, outside the window. Without a phone. Without a browser. Actually going out and having experiences. I'm getting back into that whole scene, doing things. And I don't actually even have to go out to do it, there are plenty of things I can be doing around here that are not internet-related. When I was a teenager, I used to sit in my room for hours and do all kinds of interesting things, write music and listen to music and... lots of things involving music, actually. It's great and I miss it.

July 14, 2009

I don't understand this weather, but of course I am loving it. Last night it got really, really windy, and now this morning it is breezy and cool and wonderful. I hope it stays like this all week. My best inclinations are to say forget work, forget everything I have to do, and just go, get out of here with my camera and capture the world doing whatever it does, and its people doing whatever they do.

I do kind of look forward to my morning routine, though - having a shake, watching The Simpsons, checking my mail and throwing most of it away. There's something quite nice about it, knowing that those things will be there everyday for me, come rain or come shine. That sounds terrible, I've made it sound like I have a fear of abandonment, but I think I've proven, both to myself and others through my actions, that I'm quite like my dad in that sense - more the abandoner than the abandonee. I don't seem to have much feeling about picking up and going somewhere new. I think that's good, too, because it means I'm not tied to the rat race.

July 13, 2009

Yet another week, amazing how these things keep coming around. I just realised that I need to cut my fingernails. That's a nice start to the week, sarcastically speaking. Wow, that was completely random, but it's one of those things where you don't know your nails are even getting long until you start to type, and then, woah.

I have some stuff to get done today, and I feel anxious about it, but for some reason it's a good kind of anxiety. I have no idea how to explain that - some days the anxiety cripples me, and other days it just lights a fire under me, causing me untold amounts of motivation and excitement. I actually feel like life is worth living, today.

As I type, there's a strange man in my bathroom putting in a new shower. He's my hero, actually, because my hair really, really needs washing. I'm excited to see what he does, and if everything is working right at the end, I'm going to have a long, long shower after he's gone. That will be a great way to begin the week, actually. I hadn't thought about that before now.

July 12, 2009

Implications, inferences. How easy it is to take a perfectly good morning and scratch it, mar it with a few choice words. I have no idea why I would let such things get to me, and it is my goal to be self-centered enough to let it roll off me. Like those bloggers and people you see on TV, just get on with my job and let the haters get on with theirs. No biggie.

Today I have to dig something out of the vault, and also I want to try out my new push broom. Those may sound like two completely different things, but they all fall under the vague heading of "get stuff in order." And that's pretty much what my whole life is about, getting stuff in order, organising things.

I absolutely must stop being paranoid about medical issues. Seriously, this is getting ridiculous, the amount I worry about things. The truth is, eventually we all have a fatal event, and it's enough just to file that information away and move on from it. There's no need to dwell or make it the focus of one's days... no need whatsoever.

July 11, 2009

Ah, a Saturday, a wonderful Saturday! I have devoted myself to having the day off today, but of course I'm already compromising on that deal, because there are some things that just need doing every single day, come rain or come shine.

Now, about the talking.

Kindness is probably the hardest question to answer, because so much of what we say is of a seemingly neutral nature, not kind or otherwise. So who's to say whether something is kind or not?

Truth is seemingly easy on the surface, but this gets confusing in practice. I mean, what is truth, anyway? The appearance of truth? What someone has told you is true? Many philosophers believe that it is impossible to know the truth in any case, so who's to say if what you're saying is true?

Necessity is so easy, and yet this on gets violated the most. Pretty much everything we say is unnecessary, and yet we say it and say it and say it.

Improving upon silence is the same as the necessity question. Just shut up, that's all. And yet, here I am, unnecessary and not improving upon the silence.

July 10, 2009

It doesn't mean a thing, this nostalgia is not real, I know that. I can hear his voice as much as I want, or picture myself sitting in those plastic chairs, my legs too short to bend at the knee over the edge of the seat, but in the end it is all in the past, all a function of romantic memory, though it has to be said that romantic memory is the most beautiful memory in the world, for sure.

It's going to be difficult today to come back into the present, and not to soar straight through into the future. Music helps, music anchors me wherever it is, and if I listen to music from today, then with any luck I get anchored into today. And that's where I need to be, where I can do and accomplish and all the other things that are required to achieve the goals I want to achieve.

It doesn't mean a thing, these achievements and accomplishments. The guitar strums and the boy sings, and that is pretty much all there is. All there needs to be. All I want from this life.

July 9, 2009

For once in my life, I'm actually saving money. This is good, this feels like I'm making progress toward a goal. I need a new computer, a good one, and it's time to start thinking about the practicalities of that.

When this is the best time to do these things, the mountains and the buildings send a breeze right through the window and I am swept away by the horror and wonder of it all. It's not about being in a film or having that detached feeling of watching yourself live your life, but it's more about completely going within and experiencing these things much more than others would. The haze, the foggy purple substance that glows and swirls and envelopes the horizon, that keeps me from seeing what is coming and what is going, that is the thing that actually keeps me sane. Because if we could see everything that was going to happen and everything that was leaving our lives, it would drive us to madness almost instantly, and it would be like that moment in event horizon when everyone on the ship goes crazy all at once.

July 8, 2009

So here we are, and I'm motoring along once again. There was a squirrel outside the window this morning, hopping around under the oak tree and doing some general frolicking. I envy him. He darted up the tree and back down again, stopping to sniff and explore and have whatever fun he could get himself involved in. It was a nice diversion, just to watch him from inside where it was warm, wrapped up in my blanket with my hot chocolate.

Ah, you see there? You think I don't know you're reading, but I'm smart enough to check stats and IP addresses. In fact, I'm so smart, they gave me a card to prove it. And to think, the only reason I even got the card was to prove that I could, and indeed it is the only thing I did prove.

So here we are, you watching me, me watching you, neither of us particularly interested in being discovered. They probably have web sites for that sort of thing. I think there's got to be a way to reclaim anonymity, but it will never be safe again, no.

July 7, 2009

I need to reconnect with my body. I feel that parts of me are not a part of me anymore, if you see what I mean. Specifically my lower abdomen, it feels like it belongs to someone else. Not in a body-dysmorphic kind of way, but... I don't know, it's very difficult to explain to someone who hasn't felt this before.

So I think I need to step it up with the yoga, so to speak. I need to reclaim that which is allegedly mine, but which I feel little or no connection with. This is probably going to be one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do, but I think it's necessary in order for me to get some balance back. Still though, it should be enjoyable, and I'm going to do my best to make it such.

This day, this glorious, breezy, cool day... how on earth did we accomplish this? How did nature come up with this combination of symptoms? I'm loving every minute of it, of being a little bit cold at night and needing both blankets. It's heaven on earth.

July 6, 2009

At long last, I kind of sort of feel like I'm finally catching up a tiny little bit. It may be an illusion, it may be psychological, but nonetheless the feeling is there, and I am going to run like hell with it. In fact, today is such a perfect day to be feeling like this, because the weather is absolutely crazy. Just when I thought it couldn't get any cooler, it totally has, and it's actually cloudy and a little bit drizzly right this very second. If ever there needed to be hard evidence that the eucalyptus is real, this may very well be that evidence.

So now, what to do with the rest of my day? I'm exhausted, but I'm not that sleepy. I should probably check my bank balance, and then go to the corner market and stock up on things for dinner. When I get back, I'm tempted to get myself a glass of wine, but that might bring on the sleepy, so I'm not sure about that. It may or may not be a good idea, but I bet I'll do it.

July 5, 2009

Peak performance, peak performance. That's all anyone could talk about anymore, how to get the best performance out of one's own body and mind. I didn't think there was a magic formula to it, and it turns out that of course there isn't, but nonetheless there are aids to push us in the right direction... lots of aids, more than anyone could ever know what to do with or how to follow. And this is what I'm trying to do, choose the right ones to follow for my own path, wherever that is and wherever I'm pointed.

So, this fine Sunday, which could hardly be worse than any Saturday on record, and especially this past Saturday... maybe today I'm one step closer to independence today. I am perpetually misunderstood by the one person who should understand me the best, and that's because it's impossible to be understood by someone whose hormone levels won't allow them even a modicum of self-control. This is what I'm dealing with, this is what the deal is. And how long can I hang? That is a truly loaded question, for sure.

July 4, 2009

Replace this text, it orders me. And why, why should I take time out of my Independence Day to do what a blinking prompt tells me to do? Because it's not about the blinking prompt, it's about me and my obligations, me and my projects that I love so dearly. I still don't understand, however, why certain projects are so easy for me to stick with, and why others are like severe dentistry. And the weird thing is, it's the ones that have no significance that are the easiest to keep up with - the ones that actually pay me, that I actually benefit financially from, those are the ones I struggle with. I think I know why, though - it's because the ones that pay me are the ones where I am basically doing work for someone else, rather than myself. I have such an emotional blog against that - it feels too much like slavery for me to even consider it real work, work of importance. But this is where I am, and I'm lucky to be working with such nice people. Bite the bullet, ma'am.

July 3, 2009

So today I'll try to go to a new bazaar, believe it or not. I can't even imagine it, but that's what I'm going to do. This will be the strangest idea ever, the idea that our bazaar isn't here anymore, but it's not.

Piano notes all over the place, and then there's a bit of processed strings in the background. Strauss cuts in suddenly, oddly, at just the moment when I start to understand what I'm saying. Horns and strings fight it out, as they always do in Strauss. Richard, not Johann, of course. With Solti at the helm, you can't go wrong, though. And there's a buildup, and then, boom, just like that, the choir explodes into Verdi, for no other reason than iTunes told them to. And they're off at breakneck speed, like horses on a track. If I had to guess, I'd say the tenors are winning, but it's certainly close. The altos are now neck and neck... but wait! Oh look, as usual, the sopranos come in and try to steal it. Ah well, such is life, damned sopranos.

July 2, 2009

So this is what July looks like. For the most part, I'm not impressed, although I'll admit it's a hell of a lot better than the last July we had. Or even the one before that. Still, for a July to impress me it'll have to be a lot more dreary than this - cool, rainy, cloudy. This July is, of course, none of those things, and it doesn't look like it ever will be.

So this is my current state, I am thinking about what to do next and indeed what to do now with myself. I have given up on catching up with writing, have stopped punishing myself for getting behind, and now I need to concentrate on moving forward so that I can get some momentum going. Because without momentum is stagnation, and that is the enemy of all progress, positive or neutral or otherwise.

I had a nap this afternoon. I'm one of those people for whom naps work really well. I feel rested and energized and ready to deal with just about anything. Like writing. Right now, in fact.

July 1, 2009

So today is a big writing day, I have to sit here and do nothing but type, type, type. I'm going to make a game out of it, though, and see if that helps... also I might check out if the internet has any tips on how to buckle down and do it.

Ah yes, I just went and checked... and the big tip about not buckling down is to "stop procrastinating." Yeah, thanks, internet. That's great advice, I think I'll do it!

Okay, whatever. Clearly I'm on my own with this, and that's fine. I have a lot of things that need to be done today, and nearly all of them are writing-related. So I'd better get started soon. What am I doing here, then? Well, I'll admit that today I'm using this as a springboard, a way to get the writing going once and for all. That's it, that's my grand plan, the big thing I'm going to use to get me started. Crazy, right? Maybe I can meditate for concentration, that's got to help somewhat... still putting things off.

June 30, 2009

Sometimes I ask myself why I even bother with little seemingly pointless exercises like this one here, but then I remind myself that without them, there is no point to the exercises that I don't like to do. I have the best time in the world with things like this, and if it were taken away I'm not sure exactly what the point would be. I think I'd have to come up with some other random activities just to make up for the ones I've lost. Or I could go back to reading full time, and enjoy all the perks that come along with that. One think is for sure, anything is better than listening to this drill for the second day in a row, as it is driving me completely up the wall. They appear to be using a jackhammer, as well, to install a kitchen. Is that really necessary? I'm thinking it's not, but what on earth could I possibly say about it now? I think I just have to wait until it's over and done with, the end.

June 29, 2009

Okay okay, yet another chance to turn it all around! Can she do it? Of course she can!

This is how Mondays go around here, always the same relentlessly positive attitude, always the same amazing forgetfulness about what life actually is and how things actually go. It's good, though, this denial - it's what keeps us from offing ourselves at the first chance we get, it's what keeps us looking forward to tomorrow like there's anything that can be done about it.

So now, what of today? I need to get some cash and pick up my pants from the tailor, but this is a hassle because the cash machine is not in a particularly convenient place. In fact, I have to walk quite a way to get to it... and of course, any chance to exercise is a chance for me to complain about something.

Speaking of complaining, it really annoys me when those kids downstairs yell incessantly for their mothers - if you need to talk to her so badly, go inside and do it! There are few rules here.

June 28, 2009

There's only one thing to do today: write. That's it, that's all I have to do, but I have to do a whole damned lot of it - twice as much as I normally do, in fact. So that means I'd better get started, and what am I doing here writing this?

Well, I'm here writing this because obligations are obligations, and I feel a strong sense of responsibility when it comes to my to-do lists. I can't help it; it's just how I'm wired. But that's good, it means I don't shirk my responsibilities, and I'm the kind of person who can indeed follow through... despite what some may think about me. And by some I mean pathetic little housewives with nothing better to do with their time than fabricate stuff. I mean, once your children are of a certain age, they don't require constant supervision anymore, so if that's your entire job, then what do you do with your time after that? There's not much else to do than manufacture drama, and housewives are very good at that.

June 27, 2009

And when the sun is shining, I'm not sure that's the brightest time. When it's cloudy and raining, ironically that's when my vision is at its absolute clearest. These are the facts, and these are the words that make them facts. Benjamin Franklin once said that the appearance of something is no different than it being a reality, and for the most part I'll go along with that. Thank you Mr. Phillip Babel for making these things available to me at such an important stage in my development.

So now, practicalities, logistics, and all those sorts of things... today we want to go out to buy a few things, specifically summer wine to keep us busy and pseudo-happy (remember, the appearance of happiness is, for all intents and purposes, the same as happiness). This will be good in more ways than one, because it will give us the opportunity to bond over something that isn't a film or a television program. Not that alcohol is such a fine thing to bond over, but we do what we can.

June 26, 2009

I'm good, I'm good. Even as my generation, generation X, has lost not one but three icons this week, and two in the same day yesterday. Farrah Fawcett's death was sadly quickly overshadowed by that of Michael Jackson, but at least she got a few hours to have the limelight to herself, not that she cares about such things anymore.

I'm probably guilty of a romantic memory, but I think the stars from the '70s and my generation were less about whoring themselves out for attention, and more about sharing their beauty with the world. Farrah in particular was a goddess among women - she influenced everything from women's attitudes to their hair styles, and a lot of things in between. Even my sister had a Farrah Fawcett haircut.

I had no idea until yesterday that Farrah Fawcett was her real name. I would have put money on it being a stage name, but no. And she was a Texas girl, like me. She was from Corpus Christi, but she soon headed out to take over the world.

June 25, 2009

Today is the quietest and saddest Thursday on record. Those are the facts, and that is what I have to accept. I suppose that Friday I'll be able to head up the road and try again in a different neighbourhood, but my point is that I shouldn't have to, my beautiful bazaar should be right here where it has always been. This is like losing a loved one. I feel lonely, like I'm in mourning.

So today I'll do my best to keep myself busy. The weather is nice, so perhaps I'll head out and take some photos, or maybe clean the house up a little bit. These are all distraction techniques at best, but what else is there for me to do? Of course I have my writing, tons and tons and tons of writing, so that will help, also.

Today I'm going to order food... well, tonight, at least. We're going to have dinner from someplace lovely, and I'm going to enjoy every moment of it. And that's how I feel about that, ner.

June 24, 2009

I am surprisingly okay, today, happy and cheery and all the other things one would not remotely expect from me. This is all good, I suppose, or maybe it's me being in denial. Either way, I'm cool with it, and I'm going to ride it out for as long as it continues.

Today's plan is to pay some bills, do some shopping, and get my writing out of the way early. Yesterday was ridiculous, I was up writing until almost dawn. It was a very valuable lesson, though, and I'm glad I set the precedent for forcing myself to finish what I started. So often in the past I would have given up and gone to bed, but not last night - I did what I said I was going to do, and although I'm tired today, I have no regrets. It's all good... aside from this strange pain in my right hand that I really hope is not the beginning of a repetitive stress injury. My hands are my income, after all, so that's scary.

June 23, 2009

This is probably the worst time of the month, these two days when I can't really seem to pull myself together no matter what I do. This is one of the very few things I hate about being a woman... don't get me wrong, I do like the cycle, in fact I like it more than most, which people think is crazy, but it's just this couple of days when my anxiety and depression spiral out of control that I don't really feel the love so much.

So today... plugging on. I have some fantastic music, and I'm aware of how lucky I am that not only can I hear it, but I can see what I'm writing right now, and I have the mental capacity to come up with these words. This is luck, it's lucky genetics and lucky misadventure and lucky everything else. And here I'm dancing on the ground... am I right-side up, or upside-down? And is this real, or am I dreaming? Ah, Dave, I could borrow from you forever.

June 22, 2009

I don't understand at all why people have a thing against Mondays... I mean, after all, this is the best chance in the entire week for a new start, the most ample opportunity to turn it all around and be awesome again. And awesome is a specialty for me right now, I cannot think of anything that's not good to go at this very moment.

And yet... there's always a "yet." And this is the problem with me, I can never leave well enough alone when it comes to positivity. Apparently it's just not enough to acknowledge that things are fine, and then let them be fine and proceed on their own. No, I always have to interfere, this is my thing, I have to get in the way of progress and try to improve it. And like most things that are "new and improved," the new and improved version is usually nowhere near as good as the "old and unimproved" version. I must, must, must learn to leave well enough alone, really.

June 21, 2009

This is, without a single doubt, the strangest and heaviest reset day ever. I have no idea how to handle things right now, and I have no desire to learn how to handle them. I just want it to all settle down like dust on an antique table, and then maybe the maid will come and clean it away after a while. That would not only be ideal, it would make me happy, as well.

And denial, denial is a happy thing. In fact, I think that is probably the entire point of it. Naysayers would claim that the happiness is not real, hence the word "denial," but Benjamin Franklin once said that the appearance of reality is pretty much the same as things being real. In other words, fake it until you make it. That sounds like a personal philosophy I can handle.

Now, as for the practicalities of the day... I have a lot of organising to do, but not a lot of it seems very important anymore. Not sure.

June 20, 2009

It would almost be a relief at this point if it became discovered that I was a robot, and if someone came and and took over the business of living my life for me and controlling what I do. That would just make the whole thing so much bearable right now, all the decisions I have to make and all the mountains I have to climb. It's kind of not easy, you know?

But the thing is, as much as I wish for a man behind the curtain, this is not Oz, and there is no help or even any hint of guidance. What was once crystal is now cloudy, what was once full of hope is now gloomy. And to make matters even worse, my body reflects exactly what is going on. I know that these changes are hormonal, but what affects the hormones? Situations, medications, even food? Perhaps it's the moon, the one and only thing I can rely on in my quest for a pattern. It's always there.

June 19, 2009

I realise that I have gotten to a point with this where I am doing it for the sake of doing it, and that there is no real joy in it anymore. In any of it, not in any small corner of my being.

At this point I may as well go out and snatch the proverbial baby from a stroller at the bazaar, just pick one that I think looks like mine and run away with it. But my baby is not the kind I'd be able to carry around, for my baby is actually an adult who can't cope, who doesn't know how to grow up, not even for five minutes. And it's my fault for being the parent, for being the one to try to nurture, when in reality all I have done is spoiled and ruined everything. I don't think there's any situation in which this might get better. It's just too distorted, to deformed now to be shaped back into anything resembling a healthy state.

June 18, 2009

I guess I'm in a place where everything is just going to be sad for a while, and there's not really a whole lot I can do about it. This is where I just branch off from the main road and find my own little back alley, a place where I can get away and not have to deal with traffic or hustle or even bustle, for that matter.

What on earth is going on with me? I suppose there's no way of knowing for sure. I am too subjective to have a valid opinion, and others are so objective as to not know what they're talking about. So I float around aimlessly, wondering and wandering, not knowing from one minute to the next if you or anyone else can be relied on. What a sorry state of affairs, perhaps I'll just make it all complete and go out and do something highly uncharacteristic, just to see what the big deal is about with being so radically spontaneous. Hmm.

June 17, 2009

So this is it, this is another day and another dollar... or hopefully four hundred dollars. This has to be my focus, not to worry about other things like social concerns or what other people are thinking. And I want to get some coffee drinks and some milkshakes, so that is something to focus on, for sure. All I need is a good shake-up to start the day and I'll be on my way.

This is one of the things that really gets me going, having a well-rehearsed schedule to fall back on when all else fails. When the rug gets yanked out from under me, I don't spin freely, I levitate like a pro, hovering there with complete calm and wicked concentration. I'm a veritable Zen master in that respect, fear me.

Oh, just get off your chair and go shopping. Get out of the house. Do something other than sitting here. Make the day your own, do the thing you were meant to do the best.

June 16, 2009

Believe it or not, it's okay to do things out of order, and it's okay to be accepting of that. In fact, it's okay to accept just about anything if one has the frame of mind to do so. The problem with the way things are now is that the majority of people don't realise that they can think for themselves, that they don't need the nanny to think for them.

If it were possible to go to an island and live there forever, I'd do it tomorrow. Just leave everything, everyone, and go. Really, I can't think of anything more exciting or liberating than to leave the closed-minded people in their rut and just go, go, go! And we already know that on my own I'm at my strongest, so why do I always insist on not being on my own so much? I don't want any of the things other people want, and I don't want to follow in their dirty, ugly footsteps at all.

June 15, 2009

Whether or not this is an appropriate thing to say is hardly the point. In fact, whether or not anything is an appropriate thing to say is hardly the point. I just say and say and say, and hope that something gets through, but nothing ever does. This is not a situation that is going to go away on its own, and in fact I think that I'm the one who needs to go away.

I can't believe sometimes how stupid I am, and how much it takes for me to get smart and do the smart thing, the right thing. Or rather, I mean the right thing for me, because I don't believe in an absolute right for everyone, a blanket way to act and behave that works in any situation.

Maybe I don't even believe in an absolute right for myself - perhaps it's just something I tell myself to try to stay on a track I find appropriate for me at this very moment.

June 14, 2009

This will be the last time I ever put on your makeup for you. From now on, this is something you will have to do on your own. Let me take you over to the shop on 44th street, because it's one of my favourite places in the whole world. If we go there, we can not only get our shopping done, we can also have some ice cream or some other tasty snacks.

There is a dentist showing trinkets to his patients as a tactic to distract them from what's about to happen. It doesn't work; they ignore him for the most part, put on a polite smile and whatnot, and then retreat back into their hell of frantic anticipation, inventing the worst before it invents itself

So who will kick you down with social media? No one, that's who. It's a myth, a legend created by my peers in order to make themselves relevant in a place where they otherwise would not be.

June 13, 2009

So today I started out the morning early, with a race for excitement. I have come to the immediate conclusion that more mornings should be spent like this, because a heart-racing morning sets the pace for an energetic and electric attitude during the day. I love this feeling, and I love how it's sort of impossible to shake. Fantastic!

Today is quickly turning into a day of motivation and a good amount of forward movement. I just need to keep the momentum going, because I have a lot of things to get done today, and I don't want any excuses. I just want to be as awesome as I can be, and win the race of one.

Step one is to get this place cleaned up. Living in a pig sty is no fun, and it stops today. Those are just the rules. So it's time to get cracking - days are short and I don't have a single moment to lose in this life.

June 12, 2009

We're bringing sexy back... apparently it's Stripper Friday again, which gives me no end of happiness. Stripper Friday was one of the great institutions in the early days of twitter, and now it has been brought back with a vengeance... none of this ridiculous "Follow Friday" nonsense.

In other news... eye drops to the rescue! I love that you can get pretty much anything at Turkish pharmacies without a prescription, and I completely take advantage of that situation. If I need something, I just walk in the door and ask the pharmacist to hook me up. How great is that? Super great, that's how great.

Wow, some days I'm really into this and some days I'm just... not. However, I'm fully aware that this is more about ritual, about habit, and not so much about great literature. So I keep going and don't worry too much about the consequences. After all, there are plenty of legitimate worries to have out there... not this.

June 11, 2009

Oh, the itching and the sneezing. I suppose it's going to be like this for the next three months, or who knows, maybe even longer than that. I really need to see if I can get some steroidal eye drops or something to cut down the blood vessel damage in my eyes, because aside from being ugly, it's worrying.

I'm just avoiding going out right now, avoiding heading out into the world full of flowers and trees and freshly cut grass and god knows whatever else that has pollen that's out to get me. But go out I shall, because it's Thursday and that means the bazaar is here, and that means I have to go down and take photos. Well, it's not that it's really necessary, but if I don't then I'll have a host of angry blog readers wondering where their daily fix is. And we can't have that, can we? So out I go, into the wild blue yonder.

June 10, 2009

Today may very well be the longest day of my life. At the very least, it's going to be the longest day of the year, that's for damned sure. I have no idea how I'm going to stay awake through this, but my inclination at this very moment is to have a nap and then see how far I get with that.

Jesus, anything to keep from working, anything at all.

I was thinking today about how databases get repaired, or rather, how one can repair a database. It's not something you have to do manually, you just push a button and it gets done. All this stuff gets changed and rearranged behind the scenes, and yet we're the ones who take credit for it. It doesn't seem fair, somehow.

I am so tired right now, I'm barely able to make sentences anymore. I have no idea how I'm going to write... wait for it... 9,000 words today. It's impossible.

June 9, 2009

If she could take away one necessity, she thought, it would most certainly be the need for sleep. Sleep was such a time waster, so much lying around doing nothing, and at the end there would be nothing to show for it. After all, even with all that sleeping, guess what happens the very next day? Once again, the need for more sleep. It was all just a crazy cycle, she thought, ruthless and useless.

So she made the conscious decision never to sleep again. And that was it, that's how easy it was. She simply switched off the sleep toggle, and there was no more talk about it, not a single mention of the S-word that she so abhorred. Everyday after that, and every night as well, her time was devoted to nothing but what she wanted to do, her work and her enjoyment. The days were filled with excitement, and the nights with productivity. It was completely great.

June 8, 2009

The cycle begins again. I always think of Sunday as a buffer day of sorts, a time where any turn can be made and any end can be sealed off. Then a new path can be opened and what do you know? A whole new world of opportunity.

That's a pretty sycophantic and atypical way to describe the journey into Monday, but I'm trying my best to overcompensate for the fact that I'm still itchy and sneezy... and a little bit of bashful and grumpy, too. Wait, is there a hungry? If so, I'm definitely that, as well.

I'm kind of in the mood for cold cereal this morning, so I'm thinking about heading down to the market and hooking myself up with some quality grains. I can't remember the last time I left the house, actually - it's literally been that long. Maybe more than a week in total. Ridiculous how the time escapes me in that way. Hmm.

June 7, 2009

I'll tell you one thing: I'm just about done with being allergic to things. I'm itching constantly, and I'm sneezing constantly, and I'm pretty much always uncomfortable, and I can't breathe. I'd really love to take some NyQuil and just get a god forsaken nap, but I'm not sure how possible that's going to be.

The good news is, I'm in a great financial position to be turning on the air conditioner sooner rather than later. It's not quite hot enough yet to be bothering, but soon, soon. Maybe within the next couple of weeks or so it'll be the right time.

Obsessions, oh yes, I have them. There's nothing like sexy graphic design to get me going. And now of course I want to make my own things, get my mojo jojo on. This is going to be a great summer if I can ever manage to get some oxygen in through my nose. Wah wah wah.

June 6, 2009

Today is this day I make everything beautiful, or start to at least. This is the aim: to get everything tedious and mind-numbing out of the way first, to clear things up, and then just indulge myself in the finest of luxuries, namely quality graphic design. These are the best times to be a part of the visual revolution; I intend to be on the front lines, fighting the good fight with my pathetic weapons and a complete lack of self-consciousness.

First, one has to nurture the body, to take care of basic needs, and that of course means breakfast. There is hardly any time of the day I love more than the early morning, as it is the time of most promise and open opportunities. I haven't had a chance to ruin anything yet or let my incompetencies get in the way, so it's a fantastic time to dream the good dream and imagine my world.

June 5, 2009

All I want is some stability of mind, the possibility of holding onto the same thought or the same feeling for more than thirty seconds. This isn't the wheel of fortune, you know, not some random card drawn from a deck that I can neither comprehend nor explain.

These are the days of summer, and that means wine, mostly, which is probably a significant part of the problem that infiltrates my brain. Does anyone really enjoy what happens inside their minds when they consume alcohol? A few brief moments of delusion in exchange for hours and hours of cringing and regret is certainly not my idea of something that might even remotely be worth the trouble.

Just relax. Breathe. Enjoy the clouds and the wind and the lovely weather. There is nothing going on here that isn't going on everywhere. The indoctrination is universal, it's beyond the scope of what I can control by any measure.

June 4, 2009

It all starts with one tiny sliver of deceit, and the next thing you know, it has developed into a roller coaster, and you find yourself strapped into your seat, both safe and in danger at the same time. It's ridiculous how quickly this process happens, and it's also frightening how quickly it can take over everything, how it can become the first part of the morning and the last part of the evening... and everything in between.

So this is the source of the anxiety right now, which manifests in the incessant worry, literally picking apart everything within arm's reach, which of course means a return to all that is ugly and dysfunctional. and what is the way out, where is the road that leads to another, more satisfactory place? If I had the answer to that question, I would have the biggest bank account on the planet, and I would be very popular.

June 3, 2009

Amazing how the brain never really settles down. Even in sleep, there is all this activity going on, what with dreams and worrying and all the thoughts that continue even through unconsciousness.

This is crazy, the thought that I can never really slow down. I suppose that is the goal of things like meditation and brain wave entrainment, but since when have I ever been able to slow down enough even then? Or when it does slow me down, I come out of it feeling so groggy and useless that it gives me a negative impression, and that sets off a whole chain of other thought reactions.

So the solution, I think, is just to go with it. Embrace the madness, embrace the never-ending stream of information which, let's face it, is only going to get more intense over time. Learn to adapt, not to avoid. Get with the program, make it your own.

June 2, 2009

Just when you think it's not possible to be any more tired, a new wave of exhaustion comes pouring over you, and voilà, there you are, a whole other level of tiredness.

I just have to get through it - the way out is on the other side, and over there beyond the finish line is a wonderfully soft and warm bed, with a feather down mattress, feather down pillows, and a feather down duvet. The bed floats in the clouds like it does in cartoons, and it is wonderfully cool and warm at the same time. Heaven.

If there were a way to construct such a bed, I would have made one already. Alas, as things stand, there's not much I can do but work and catch naps where I can. It's not fair, but since when is anything in life about fairness? If it were, I'd probably be in a worse situation.

June 1, 2009

Oh, the indecision. Where to go, what to do, how to break the news? It's all heart-wrenching, the amount of decisions that need to be made and the amount of pain such decisions will inevitably cause, to all parties involved. It pains me even to think about it in general, nebulous terms.

But this is the real world, and something does in fact need to be done. There's no way around it, the best way to overcome inertia is with action, even if that action is basically unwanted, and even if it has to be implemented with brute force. I have my hammer, I have my tools, and the next thing is for me to get cracking. Literally.

The worst part of all this is that I can't even make myself go to bed, for fear of what waits there for me. The anxiety, the complex issues of group dynamics. The uncertainty.

May 31, 2009

As the weather gets warmer, as this half of the earth heats itself up toward the boiling point, there is a feeling of impending doom, of the sky closing in as it prepares to bake everything in its allegedly protective cover.

But here I am in my little panic room of sorts, able to shut myself away from the oppression and make a little haven of peace and cool and solitude. It is amazing to thing that autumn is only a few short months away, and I live to see those months pass by.

That's not to say that I don't have plans for these months. I'm not just sitting around waiting to die, as it were. There's a bigger picture here, one that I need to grasp and hold on tightly to, as it can get away from me if I'm not careful. But luckily, I am very careful indeed.

May 30, 2009

She started to wake up. She started to open her eyes to what was going on around her, to the ways in which she was being controlled and manipulated by the very people who claimed to be protecting and serving her. She slowly came to the realisation that less is actually more where the most fundamental things are concerned. She started to wake up.

And upon gaining this consciousness, she started to wonder how long she had been asleep, and how much longer her bunkmates (or indeed cellmates) would continue to snooze through the most important time of their existence.

It isn't that sleeping is bad - on the contrary, sleeping is not only beneficial, it's downright essential to well-being. It's just that there comes a point where the sleep is not natural; it is induced from the outside, deliberately, with malice. And it is that comatose state that is dangerous.

May 29, 2009

How many different things is it possible to be allergic to? This is ridiculous, I've gone through an entire roll of toilet paper trying to stem the flow from my nose, and now my nasal passages are so swollen that blowing my nose doesn't even work anymore.

And don't even get me started on my blocked eustachian tube. Not being able to hear high frequencies out of one ear is frustrating enough, but the blocked tube also means I feel like someone has put the right half of my head in a dark plastic bag and tied it up and hidden it in a closet somewhere.

I think I don't need to remind the jury that summer is the work of Satan himself. There is no other explanation, this is the only possibility. It's evil, it smells bad, it's hot... this is what hell must be like. Forget it.

May 28, 2009

There's not much in this world that's more distracting than a ringing ear. I can't imagine what it would be like to have to live with this every single day, and at the same time I'm very, very thankful that this only happens to me every once in a while. I think anyone that has this condition permanently has the right to be complaining every second of every day, no doubt.

So today will be a day of misunderstandings, of mishearing, and of searching the internet looking for a solution to this problem. I will probably end up turning to guided meditation for help, as this seems to be the best way to solve any problem of this sort, where the body is rebelling against what the mind would prefer. It's time to move away from the astrology and get motivated about the more distinct waves of stars.

May 27, 2009

There seems to be a theme of breathing going on here, but that's a roller-coaster I'm quite happy to ride out both now and for some time to come. It's not that I can't be more complex than that - it's that things already are too complex, and I have no idea how to tease them out from each other without just bludgeoning things into simplicity by taking everything down to it's most basic building blocks. Existence, breath, existence, breath.

Role models are always a smart idea, although it has to be said there's a danger there, as well. There's a fine line between admiring someone and becoming a poorly-rendered photocopy of them, which is pretty ridiculous. If the admiration is taken in moderation and only when appropriate, things go a lot more smoothly. That's the position I find myself in now, taking one piece at a time.

May 26, 2009

Sitting and trying to think only of my breathing. In, out, in, out, the tiny hairs on the insides of my nostrils being whooshed in one direction and then as violently in the other. And they ask you to relax and just observe your breath, as if it were a tranquil affair, but indeed it is quite violent in many senses of the word.

On the other hand, the parts of the breathing process that are subject to the violence seem to have adapted well. As a good friend of mine once said, "it's astonishing what you can force yourself to get used to." And this is true, I know it as someone who has lived in an apartment with no floor and no electricity. In the third world, all of life is a series of things to get used to, used to strengthen one's resolve.

May 25, 2009

My button has been firmly pushed, and now I am on the business end of a reset. This is always a happy time for me, a good time, a time of renewals, both literally and figuratively.

I'm about to start my cycle, as well, so that adds to the feeling of starting over. And it's the new moon today. Everything is starting over, even the tides and nature.

One thing I need to get under control is my anxiety level, my stress. It is ridiculous how tense I am, and I know if I don't rein it in, it will drive me to an unnecessarily early grave. So the thing now is yoga, meditation, and more yoga. Cleaning out my body, cleaning out my mind, and bringing things into balance. There is no need for me to be so wound up, no need at all.

May 24, 2009

Oh boy, I'm late, but it feels okay to me. I can nap for a few hours now, and then again on the bus out of here. It feels good to be going again, and it feels good not to be stagnant. But those two things are the same thing, aren't they? I'm nothing if not redundant.

The more I think about my current situation, the more I'm liking it. So to hell with anxiety, psychological issues, and stress; the problems of today are the jokes of tomorrow, and I really, really don't care if it all works out or not. If it's okay, then it'll be okay, and if it's not okay, then it won't be okay, but worrying about it never influenced the outcome either way.

So that's my long-winded way of saying that I'm feeling good right now, and looking forward.

May 23, 2009

A sand rose. No, it's not an anagram, it's an actual rose made from sand. Apparently they "grow" all over the beaches in Tunisia, and people sell them to tourists, much like sand dollars are sold to tourists near the beaches of Texas.

It never occurred to me that I might come into contact with something, anything originating in Tunisia - the fact that I'm sitting here staring at a hard, solidified lump of African sand is a little be strange. And it brings up the bigger issue that someone like me never knows, from moment to moment, who might cross which path, and what sort of people and things I may come into contact with.

It's crazy, the idea that tomorrow I may sit down on the bus next to some random Taiwanese girl, and she may end up being my child's godmother.

May 22, 2009

Early morning, that's the time for me. I love it, can't get enough of it. If you want me to get anything done correctly, schedule it for the early morning. That way we can get all the work out of the way, and move on to the fun part of the day later. Get it?

No, no one but me gets it. I feel privileged that I do, though. People who wake up early see a side of the world that most people never get to see. Frankly, it's wonderful to be in such a select group.

Actually, now that I think about it, most of my enjoyment of life is derived from being in select groups. I don't know if it's about feeling special, or what, but I suppose it's just part of my personality. Nothing wrong with that, my dear.

May 21, 2009

One night we had a special dinner... the table was covered in forks, knives, plates, glasses... I barely knew where to sit, much less where to start.

Dancing over the gloss of porcelain, sliding along on the cold of steel... like I was lost in a sea of cutlery and glassware. Tiny like Alice, trying to find a way to shimmy up the stem of a wine glass so that I could have a taste of a potion to make me a right size again.

As it turns out, there is no right size, or rather every size is the right size. I can be tiny and huge at the same time, and it's okay. I can get lost in the seas of the galaxy, or tower over armies of microscopic organisms. It just doesn't matter, because I'm in the middle.

May 20, 2009

I really wish I knew how to avoid this unsettled feeling, this general anxiety that plagues me even when nothing in particular is wrong with my life.

I know that almost all my problems are related to money and the lack of it. When I had cash, I never worried about a thing except losing the cash. Then the cash left, because it was never really mine to begin with. That was a relief, in a way.

So the money needs to be mine and mine alone for this plan to work. I have a plan, but implementing the plan takes courage, strength, skill. Do I possess all those qualities in adequate amounts? Actually, it's not enough to be adequate, I need to be a superhero.

I think it's time to get outside and run this feeling out of me.

May 19, 2009

And she sat near the window and felt the breeze drifting in... the last vestiges of a winter that was lingering as long as it could. She drank her coffee and thought about the bliss and subsequent boredom of slowing down a little, of letting the current of life carry her along for a while instead of having to tread water all the time. It seemed wonderful and distasteful at the same time.

She waited a while before getting out of her chair, as walking around only ever seemed to lead to an endless string of activities followed by other activities, and that of course was exactly what she was trying to avoid. She paused and gathered her thoughts, knowing that regardless of intention, soon she'd be compelled to get up and do something, probably sooner rather than later.

May 18, 2009

Humidity is okay up to a point, and this right here is that point. If only it would take its foot off the gas now and relax, I'd be in love with the summer. But of course the only language it knows is acceleration, so I just have to enjoy this brief loveliness until it morphs into the pea soup of June, July, and August.

I have a hard time imagining what seasons are like in Australia - the thought of winter in August is nice, but having Christmas in the summer just seems wrong somehow. I can't imagine opening presents on the beach - I'm sure they don't do that anyway, but you take my point. It's weird to think about, because everything about Christmas in popular culture is associated with cold weather. Here we go again, tra-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.

May 17, 2009

Ah, redecorating and remodeling... it's like having an entirely new studio, a wonderfully fresh space where I can not only think and create, but also relax and enjoy some beauty. It has truly been a long time since I have been surrounded by beautiful things, and honestly I'm not quite there yet, but at least what I've done yesterday and today is a start, a very good start.

So now I have to spend the rest of the day catching up on all the things I didn't do while I was redecorating. Basically that translates as writing, writing, writing. I have two different people expecting stuff from me today, and I don't want to let either one of them down. A new MacBook Pro calls, and I am listening intently with my ear down at the ground.

May 16, 2009

Saturday again. Today starts the two-week slip road into summer. Already I can feel it coming, but on the other hand I'm also shocked at how reasonable the weather still is. Cool and breezy, very nice.

Today and tomorrow will be exercises in patience, helping fight boredom in places outside myself. I find it's an uphill struggle, to say the least, and I am very curious to know what the right way forward is. If anyone knows the answer, I would be very grateful if they'd send it in on a postcard.

At long last the work front is looking up, and although the work is not glamourous, it gets the job done, as it were. That's all I want right now - a way to reach some financial goals. I need to get past some hurdles.

May 15, 2009

Borders between things. Keeping things in, keeping things out. Separating the wanted from the unwanted, the good from the bad, the pretty from the ugly.

It's time to start thinking about keeping out the sun and the heat. I am making a little cocoon for myself in which I can hibernate for three months and enjoy a bit of winter in the summer. I love the thought of holing up in my little room and having my kind of summer party - dark, cool, and relaxing. Full of music and wonderful comfort.

In an ideal world, it would be like something out of Cabaret, a twilight zone of vintage gorgeousness and rich indulgence. I'm going to get as close as I can with the resources I have available, and it should be a fantastic thing, indeed.

May 14, 2009

And when I moved the candles around to accommodate the rest of the things I bought, I felt like pieces were falling into place in a giant puzzle that only I understood the meaning of. This was both a comforting and a confusing sensation, a feeling of exciting uncertainty in my chest and in my head.

If ever there were a problem to solve, this is most certainly it, but for some reason it doesn't even remotely feel that way to me. At the risk of sounding dramatic, this feels like I'm putting my life together, but not in the sense that it was broken before. No, this is more like things got shuffled up for the sake of adventure, and now the adventure is settling down to its natural dénouement. That's good, right?

May 13, 2009

He tells me repeatedly not to freak out, to calm down... but I think he's more likely talking to himself, as I never even showed any hint of freaking out, and I have no idea what he might be talking about since I'm as calm as calm can be.

I never have any problems with people touching my eyes, I don't close my eyelid or blink a lot when I see a hand approaching. This comes from years of wearing contact lenses, I suppose. But the idea of someone cutting into my eye, pulling back the lens and actually getting in there and manipulating things... I can't stomach the thought, can't entertain it even for a brief second. A knife near my eyeball is just about the last thing I could tolerate, sorry.

May 12, 2009

Wow, it's amazing how things can stick in your subconscious without you really knowing anything about it. Like a pea under a mattress, it sticks there and it burrows, digging its way into every single thought you have and every single thing you do.

I take action, and action is tainted by everything in the past that has tainted it. However, it is also sweetened by everything in the past that has sweetened it.

One tries to let the sweet overpower the bitter, but this is the most difficult thing in the world to accomplish if you have more than two brain cells and use them frequently.

So now, it's time to put the morning behind me, have something to eat, and continue with my day... as if nothing happened at all.

May 11, 2009

The man tries to live his life in such a way that he cannot be held accountable for anything he does. He only wants to trick people into thinking that he is wholesome and good and has no darker side. But he is more transparent than he realises, and it is only through this transparency that we see who he really is, the man beneath the alleged hero.

He is normal, average. Perhaps even slightly less than average, it's difficult to say. Mediocrity is so hard to measure, everything becomes muddy and the wheat becomes indistinguishable from the chaff. That is, if there even is any wheat to be discovered in there. I think the chances are that there is nothing but mush and greyness, only the most plain of plain.

May 10, 2009

Sometimes being me is exhausting. Okay, almost all the time being me is exhausting. But someone has to do it and frankly, I'm really the best person for the job, no doubt whatsoever about that.

Today I have to organise Mother's Day festivities, as well as getting some work done. And it's a certain special person's birthday, so he's going get for dinner whatever he would like, which will probably entail some of my horrific yet somehow mesmerising cooking. Chicken lungs, anyone? I'll probably also make a zucchini casserole with corn and cream cheese, and of course rice on the side, boo-ya.

Now, though, is me time - I want to eat my breakfast and relax for a while, maybe watch a little television and wait for the inspiration to arrive.

May 9, 2009

Today I'm on it, today I'm with it, today I'm under it, today I'm above it, today I'm into it, today I'm out of it, today I'm over it, today I'm all about it.

Pianos play and Colin Hay sings me a sad, sad tale of days gone by that can never be recovered. How long am I planning on living? Not that long, as it turns out.

Lunch, what's for lunch? Let's order out, use our money instead of it using us. That's the motto, that's the goal, that's the way to work this world. I'm working it, I'm being it, I'm acting it, I'm walking it, I'm talking it, I'm having it, I'm grabbing it, I'm breaking it, I'm taking it, I'm dreaming it, I'm living it.

May 8, 2009

Time for us to reinvent, time to get on the horse and ride off in a completely different direction. There's a little bit of love for the way things are going, but a whole lot of contempt for the way things aren't going. So what in the world is the best way forward? The one that's the only way forward, of course. Or up, or around, or under, or over.

This is the way of the warrior, ha. And apparently that warrior is me, and that way is the path of the warriors who came before me. I have to keep the tracks fresh for those who come after, and dig the grooves deeper than ever to leave my proverbial mark and get this party started for real.

May 7, 2009

Oh the morons, they do infiltrate, don't they? In daily life, milling about on the streets and in the shops... they're pretty much everywhere.

Unfortunately they're not as innocuous as they once were - they now want the same rights as intelligent people, and they even want to spawn, can you believe that? There should be a law, or a parental entrance exam at the very least. I think we're at a point now with world population that we can safely filter out those who shouldn't be allowed to procreate.

I think I must retreat into my safe room, the place where the imbeciles are not allowed. It's the only sanctuary, and the beauty and tranquility are unparalleled. This, a solo of sapience; this, a chantey of sophistry.

May 6, 2009

Well, she's here, and she's great. Best house guest ever, offers to help and offers to pay and all those fantastic things that our normal house guests don't do.

Today's plan is not so different from usual - I just have to try to get it all done as soon as possible, because yesterday that worked exceedingly well, and I was really pleased with the results.

And now what? I need to make money, to find a source that doesn't crap out on me after a few weeks, that makes life easier all around, for everyone involved.

And then... peace, joy, and happiness. All that crap. Is it so much to ask, to have a comfortable life? I think most people don't expect comfort, or happiness either.

May 5, 2009

So today's the big day, a day earlier than expected. We have a very esteemed guest tonight, and for some reason I feel like the queen is coming to visit. She's going to be here for about three days, so I need to be on my absolute best behaviour, and figure out what the hell it is people are supposed to do with a house guest.

The first thing is to make sure the house is clean, and make sure the guest has everything she will need in terms of towels and bedding and things like that. Other than that, I don't really know what else to do. I'm just hoping she's here to see the city and us, and not the house, fingers crossed.

May 4, 2009

Down came the rain and washed away all the bad everything. Is there anything rain can't fix? Don't answer that - the answer is no, because I said so.

If I could do anything I wanted to do today... oh wait, I can! So I'm going to enjoy the rain, have a cup of hot salep (is there any other kind?) and take some photos of this beautiful weather, and maybe of myself. That should keep me busy, and happy, and busily happy.

I have a semi-famous visitor coming in a couple of days, and I'm a little bit nervous and a little bit excited. I think it's going to be great, if I can keep the troops under control for long enough to matter.

May 3, 2009

Oh, I hate this jittery, unsettled feeling. I'm actually in a good mood, but I'm restless, and I can't settle down to the things I need to do because I'm so... well, unsettled. I feel like my body is the culprit - my skin needs exfoliating, my nails need cutting, my hair needs washing, I need to take an antihistamine, and I'm itching everywhere. I should take half a doxylamine and try to calm down a little bit, but I need to pull myself together enough even to do that.

In other news, the weather here is amazing... gorgeous cloudy skies, cool breezes, and the threat of rain. I not only like it, I adore it. Long live winter and gloomy weather! I'm happy.

May 2, 2009

And.... release. So nice to exhale, to enjoy the air and not be gasping and grasping for straws. Very strange saying, that - grasping for straws, what does that even mean? So many things we say on a daily basis that we don't really fully understand, or perhaps not even partially.

Today is so relaxing and wonderful, I'm just going to enjoy it to the fullest and try not to think about any pots that are angrily rumbling on back burners... or in the case of two particular pots, front burners. It can all wait a couple of days until Monday comes around and steals this moment from me.

Exercise is amazing, I wish I could remember that when I don't do it.

May 1, 2009

I'm late, I'm late, for a semi-important date! No, but seriously, I am always getting behind on the days when staying ahead is most essential. How exactly is it that I just wasted two hours? Where did it go? I don't even know.

And now I'm just getting more and more behind, but some things are important, and I have to take my time with things like lunch and getting ready. If I'm rushed, it all goes south very quickly. In fact, I think rushing is probably the fastest way to an early grave. People can wait a few minutes, take some extra time to do things thoroughly and not kill themselves over it. Being late sucks, but is not lethal.

April 30, 2009

I am hardly ever reminded of womanhood, but today is most certainly a raging exception. I have cancelled just about everything that was on the schedule for today, and declared a day of rest. I need to relax and let my body do whatever it is going to do... as it seems I don't have a choice, anyway.

So today is for indulgent intellectual pursuits at best, and lazy brain-eating loafing at worst. I refuse to cook or maintain the house or any of the other things I would normally do on a day like today, and I cannot be bothered with going out to take photos, even though today is bazaar day and I should be out there clicking.

April 29, 2009

Go go go! My own inertia is the biggest obstacle. If I can keep going and ride on a wave of momentum, I should be fine for a while, but once the momentum settles down a bit, I need to find some other way to stay motivated. You would think that it would be easy enough to use results as a key impetus, but if that worked reliably, there would be no fat people in the world and no smokers. There would also be no poor or unsuccessful people. It's amazing how everything we want is right at our feet, and yet nine times out of ten we simply leave it there, or step on it and kill it.

April 28, 2009

I'm the inspector, the mastermind, the judgemental one sitting here and thinking these things about you. It's not my job or what I do, it's simply who I am. Many things change, but the axis around which they rotate never falters; there is a core of me that stays as static as stone and yet as mobile as magma.

Core stability is important. There is of course that old saying that you can't build a strong house on a weak foundation, but I think I have the opposite problem. My foundation is so strong, and I'm so good at strengthening it, that I haven't considered trying to build anything on it, and I'm not sure I want to.

April 27, 2009

My head hurts but my brain is just floating around on a sea of clouds of meaning that I don't understand but can try to decipher. If I were to see green triangles or blue circles or even lucky charms it would be a welcome diversion from all the diverting things that divert us from our other diversions. This has been the strangest year on record so far, but in many ways it has also been the most banal. I think things can be changed only inasmuch as they can be identified and labeled, which is the best part of being human - the tendency to classify and categorise unnecessarily and to box things up accordingly. It's satisfying.

April 26, 2009

Content, relaxed, and totally spaced out - that's how I feel now, and I'm loving every minute of it. I am calm, cool and collected; today is Sunday and the plan is to chill out and just enjoy the day. I do have some things that I have to do, but nothing so earth-shattering that it's going to ruin the mood of the day. I think later it might be a good idea to head down to the wine store and pick up a bottle of some local goodness. We have such wonderful wines here, and so few people really explore the possibilities. I am more than happy to be the valiant pioneer of good Turkish wine.

April 25, 2009

You will not silence me, no matter how hard you try. You cannot justify your censorship, and you will not get away with it. Consider yourself on my list, and you will change your policies and make things fair and respect the free speech that your precious little gramps fought so hard for. Get some sleep, because you don't want to be tripping up again for this one, and you definitely won't want to resort to your old friend, the delete key. This is not North Korea, it's okay for people to have opinions and express them. Someone forgot to forward you the memo, I guess, but rest assured you'll receive it now, very soon.

April 24, 2009

I have seen so many different colours, the beauty of the forest is such that I have very little interest in the individual trees at all. It doesn't take a genius to figure out the difference between the bigger picture and the day-to-day ramblings, but intelligence is not the only factor - emotions must be dealt with, as well. I think this is where we fail science, or perhaps it is science's greatest victory, in a way. Our chemicals control us, and in turn we use our knowledge to try to control them, with varying degrees of success, and more to the point, varying degrees of failure. This is us - human, flawed, beautiful, hopelessly optimistic.

April 23, 2009

As I sit here contemplating breakfast, my right foot is cold, my left foot is sweaty. My right eye is cloudy, my left eye is clear. My hair is pulled back, and I was slouching a second ago but now I'm sitting up straight. In fact, brining attention to my body has caused me to change in all kinds of ways - I'm trying to relax my shoulders, making sure my hips are in alignment with the rest of my body, and taking deep breaths.

Also, I just noticed that my throat hurts a little bit, but only on the right side. It's strange how the left side can be fine, though, isn't it?

April 22, 2009

Exhausted. Drained. Tired. Shattered. Pooped. Weary. Tuckered. Zonked. Bushed. Zombified. Whipped. Fatigued. Tapped out.

But not beat.

I really want to have a situation where these sorts of things don't really affect me. One night out on the town and my world has become a shell of anxiety and hate, me wanting to retreat into the safety and sanctuary of my little world, the world I understand and that doesn't have any barbs.

So many doubts - about ability, strength, standing up for what I believe in. I am a professional, and even when those around me can't behave accordingly, I am the one to hold it all together, the chaotic coherence incarnate.

April 21, 2009

I am so sleepy, I have things to do but all I want is to go back to bed and forget all about everything. Tonight is important, tonight is all about being a professional and getting a job done on target. I must bring my A game to the restaurant and show them that I can do the task I was hired to do and be the photographer I am capable of being.

Then I'm going to come home and sleep for a week, and only wake up when breakfast is ready in seven days' time. That's my plan, I'm sticking to it, and you'd be hard-pressed to change my mind.

April 20, 2009

Today I'm in a bit of a strange mood. I'm thinking of something other than food. I want to go for a run pretty soon. Perhaps my mood's determined by the moon. If I can keep this up for a while, I think it's likely to come back in style. For style is fickle, as we all know, but really it's just all for show. So who really cares? I know I don't. The sheep want conformity, but I just won't. I walk my path, all alone - I don't meet friends, don't talk on the phone. Follow me, follow me, all you people who think you can handle this journey.

April 19, 2009

These are the good days, the days when I can feel like myself and take things as they come. My body is twitching with energy, read to take on whatever the task is at hand. And today, of course, the task is to get the new week washed off and ready to go. I'll spend the next seven days polishing it and trimming it down to a reasonable size, but in the end I'll end up right back here again... which is exactly how the whole system works.

So first, breakfast - bread and jam, and perhaps a coffee shake. Warmer days are coming, so it's time to cool down.

April 18, 2009

And just like that, the entire world turns around and everything is just fine again. How on earth does this happen? Up and down, down and up again, like clockwork the gears turn and bring me back where I started, via the most convoluted path imaginable. I weather it, the waves and the cycles, and at times like this I feel triumphant, downright victorious.

Give it time, though - there will be a shift in the winds and things will get crazy again soon enough... crazy in a stressful way. But for now, I cannot complain, and I think this road has some interesting twists and turns for me.

April 17, 2009

I'm going out to play today, in the wretched sunshine. It's time to do some work for someone else, which I'm understandably nervous about, but not nervous in a shaky-shaky way. I guess I just worry that whatever I do, they won't like it and it'll have to be done again and again until they do like it.

Which is not my style.

Ah, this life of being a free spirit. Does anything trump it? I certainly haven't found anything, nothing at all makes me happier than a whole day of possibilities ahead of me. This is the day I head down another different road, once again.

April 16, 2009

Perhaps I'm the only person who finds spring depressing. Lukewarm and blah, monotone green and nothing but boredom. And it only gets worse in the summer, brown straight across the board and stinky, sweaty disgust. Give me autumn, give me brightness in the darkness and something to get out of bed for. Crisp breezes and warm clothing. Already I am counting the days until I can be there again.

Meanwhile, I have no choice but to photograph what is here, what I am presented with. I have been thinking a lot about direction the past few days... where am I going with all this? Who cares?

April 15, 2009

Some days are for introspection, and other days are simply devoted to getting things done in a very real and physical way. Today is one of those days - I'm currently a project-based person with a project to be getting on with, so everything is going well. I have the soundtrack, and the requisite level of caffeine in the bloodstream; now all I need is the trigger to signify the moment for movement. The flurry is likely to come quickly, but finding the edge of the tape and digging it up with my fingernail is always the most challenging aspect. When the end comes up, bang!

April 14, 2009

The feeling of getting in the car and driving, of sitting down behind the wheel and controlling a vehicle, has left me. I can't remember the last time I drove somewhere, and that's just fine with me. Sometimes walking is the superior choice, especially if one wants to see anything and pay attention to the surroundings. There is an illusion of control when driving that is quickly shattered as soon as planning, parking, or other drivers become involved. A driver who thinks he is in control is a driver under a very flimsy illusion. The real control is in getting out of the car.

April 13, 2009

Slow and steady wins something? Really? That's interesting, because in my experience, the slow are merely slow, and the fast are merely fast. There is no race and there is no awards ceremony. So stop trying to win all the time, the prize is always death, and it doesn't matter how quickly or slowly you try to get there, you will get there when you get there. Self-defining prophecies are the best kind, aren't they? Now, to get down to the business of business, I have a life to run, and specifically a body to tune up. Let me hear my body talk.

April 12, 2009

So this is the day when the magical, mythical son of man came to life for a second time. Personally, the undead freak me out a little bit, I think I'd run the other way and try to find a shotgun, but hey, you worship whatever it is you want to worship, and I'll take advantage of the plentiful chocolate and chicken eggs. Or bunny eggs. Or whatever the hell it is we're supposed to be eating today. On the other hand, sugar has not been my friend recently, so perhaps I'll avoid the chocolate and just stick to the eggs, eh?

April 11, 2009

A new century of days, and I feel rejuvenated. Although it is not my birthday, yesterday was the birthday of a person whose days are numbered, who is fading even as I am blossoming. I feel a sort of birth in that sense, that I am taking over where others have left off, that I am carrying a torch that cannot be carried any longer by those who came before. It is my stage now, it is my turn to shine and outshine the rest. This is my day, my hour, my very minute burning like a sparkler in the night.

April 10, 2009

Large. It's such a big word, for such a small word. It can describe a person, a body, a personality, a lifestyle. It can compliment or insult, it has the power to build up or tear down. The best part is, it embodies all these things at the same time, and that by definition makes it large in itself. A large word, heavy with multiple meanings, massive in its impact.

Today I need to live as large as I can, embodying all that is past, present, and future. The cocoon is building, and soon it will need to break open.

April 9, 2009

What a tiny, lofty platform this is. Standing up in the sky, surrounded by clouds and mist, the blue mixing with the white in swirls and eddies of an atmospheric ice cream. Sometimes I think it's time to come down, but then sometimes I wonder how I even would, if I really decided I wanted to. The sky is a place of solitude, but it's a metaphor for everything else, as well. There are no groups of things, only single things that exist in proximity to each other. We're the ones who group them, the items don't group themselves.

April 8, 2009

Progress is rarely linear. It is important sometimes to look at the trees in front of you and not get caught up in the forest. At other times, the trees are quite discouraging, but the forest shows a much more promising picture. It's hard to know which is which at any given moment, but the best thing is that none of it even matters. Now it's time to eat, drink, and be crazy, which is the thing I appear to do best. Who needs the real world when I have my own brain? I can never go back.

April 7, 2009

Today it's all go, a downward slide is a good thing. The energy is there, not on the surface but right beneath it, and it's bubbling and sizzling like it's just itching to get out. So today I will get out, I'll expend and expand and fit in this skin as if it were mine forever, as if I owned it and it belonged to me for real. I will see what there is to see, and do what there is to do. And I will dance like there is no tomorrow, because there's most certainly not.

April 6, 2009

Today is delicate, but I suppose it seems that way only because I work under the constant illusion that there are other days that are not delicate. But the truth is, at any moment everything can come crashing down, and it often does. There's nothing but a thin film of hope separating any one of us from complete disaster... or raging success. The trick is recognising which film to break for the success and which one to leave alone. Either way, the results have nothing to do with fate or luck... it's all down to me.

April 5, 2009

Proxy, proxy, always by proxy - having to find ways to work around the road blocks and walls that are allegedly put there for my safety, to protect me from the world. Even this paragraph, right here, is being written by proxy. Proxy in government, proxy for information flow control, proxy for shopping, proxy for everything. It's almost as if dealing directly is a quaint relic of the past, a behaviour for which we have clearly lost the talent. What would happen if we had to start dealing directly? Would things become less complicated, or more?

April 4, 2009

A day all to myself, what should I do? Have a party of one, or work harder than usual? It will probably be a combination of both, working hard in the day and relaxing in the evening. I may have a cocktail or a glass of wine to wash away the effects of the day. Music and entertainment are definitely on the cards, as I have some quality television to catch up on. It may sound mundane, but simple pleasures like relaxing and enjoying myself at home are the new black in my world.

April 3, 2009

It is the third day of April in this 2009th year, and I am officially, without a doubt, declaring a state of utter Rock Bottom. Physically, emotionally, and mentally, I am at a point where the only way to travel is up. I cannot afford to spend even a single whole day wallowing down here; I must be diligent and get the phoenixing snowball rolling. I have no idea how to set myself on fire, but one would think something has to give here sooner or later. My money's on sooner, of course.

April 2, 2009

With each breath I'm taking on a new layer of meaning, with each whoosh of blood through my arteries I'm one notch closer to something I can't quite define. This is how it is all the time, but today I'm tired. Exhausted, even. Yesterday was about cleaning in a real, physical sense - the house got spotless while I got completely filthy. Then I got myself clean, as well, and now it's time for the aftermath of soreness and payback for the job my body was forced to complete yesterday. Such is pain.

April 1, 2009

I am dying. My body is a mass of decay and rot, of cells that cannot and will not stop killing themselves and each other. The entropy accelerates, as entropy is wont to do; the destruction of the physical snowballs as organs and tissues and being are absorbed into its momentum. As I get sucked into black hole of mixed metaphors, I think about the irony of being young, healthy.

No, I'm just kidding. I'm not dying. None of are! We're all going to live forever, didn't you get the memo?

March 31, 2009

Every morning a brand new beginning: the mass delusion of... well, the masses. As if the sun coming up in the morning were even a factual observation - any thinking person recognises that it's the other way around. We set, we descend, we rotate on our axis ad nauseam, convincing ourselves the whole time that we're actually going somewhere and that our journeys have meaning. But the truth is, we journey for the sake of it. It is its own means and end, and it has no significance other than itself.

March 30, 2009

It's time to get down to nothing. It's time to get down to something. It's time to get moving somewhere. It's time to come back from nowhere. It's time to propel upwards. It's time to dive into the deep. It's for the good of the community. It's for the good of the self. It's an exercise in self-utility. It's an exercise in utter futility. It's a step in the right direction. It's a stepping stone of detection. It's a game of introspection and reflection. It's a little like life.

March 29, 2009

Oh, halfway there, oh oh, living on a prayer. Ho-hum. There's been a lot of introspection here lately, getting inside and having a dig around. I have to have some sea to swim in, in order to keep afloat of this normal, sheep-like world. When I get to the surface of the sheep, of course I will learn to walk on them like a prophet of animal rights, one who walks on sheep's heads without feeling the need to explain or apologise. This is my role, accept it.

March 28, 2009

Two days of trials. Because of my personality issues, a weekend suddenly becomes a test of will. Introversion is a nice word for a funny little condition that looks more and more like insanity everyday. Serial killers are usually introverts. But this is not about crime - it's about not conforming to an accepted norm. People like me wander through life oblivious to the maelstrom of dissent surrounding them. It's true that eccentrics often seem oblivious to their own situations. Crazy people don't know they're crazy, you see.

March 27, 2009

A turning point into metamorphosis, the bottom of the barrel becomes a launching pad, and will soon itself transform into a stage of sorts. For once, the star is me, the spotlights are on and it's time to start the show. So what is my opening number? Something that begins quietly and builds to a fantastic, energetic conclusion. Not starting with a bang, but rather teasing the audience and making them want more. They won't want the cow if they can get the milk for free.

March 26, 2009

When I find that balance, when I make my world so that equal parts of it are all around me, what then? What will there be to strive for, what measure of ambition will fill my thoughts? I suppose the Buddhists would say that happiness is the release of such ambitions, that to cling to goals is to cling to nothing of substance. But certainly the attainment of goals has a happiness associated with it. Whether that happiness is empty, however, is the real question.

March 25, 2009

At the risk of coming across as drug-addled, how is it possible that time passes so slowly as well as so quickly? As we get older we lament the acceleration, but I think it's a blessing in disguise, really. The few of us who are actually capable of something more than laughable mediocrity usually work better under pressure, and that ticking clock is actually a welcome reminder of just how final that pressure is. So it's time to run, time to win the race.

March 24, 2009

Ah, the power of cinéma. It can move us, change us, actually transform our lives. It probably isn't the most intelligent course of action to let a movie tell you what to do, but on the other hand, perhaps rash and ill-advised decisions are just what the doctor ordered, at least from time to time. There's nothing wrong with stirring things up a little, nothing bad about taking a routine and wagging the dog, as they say. So, will things be different today?

March 23, 2009

Blah, blah, blah. Where does it stop? Where does the chatter and noise end, and the real content begin? I'm starting to feel like there is no content, like nothing out there has a significance beyond its own narcissistic survival instinct. Things go on for the sheer point of going on, and there appears to be no further purpose beyond that. Some would find that frightening, but I actually find it a relief not to have to search for meaning in everything.

March 22, 2009

Today absolutely must be the day when I turn it all around. Not in another life where I am a cat, but right now, here, in this realm. It's time to take charge and start being the cause of my situation rather than the product of it. I do not want to be pushed around, and I will not allow that sort of victim mentality into my head anymore. This sounds so self-help new-age, but it's my attitude right now, period.

March 21, 2009

Sushi might very well be the most lovely surprise ever. Delicate little parcels of rice and fish - pop them in your mouth and enjoy. It had been five years since I had enjoyed these delicacies of Japan, but thanks to the miracle of city growth, apparently Antalya is big and important enough now that we deserve to have such a fine eating establishment as a sushi bar. I intend to eat there as often as I possibly can, of course.

March 20, 2009

Today is the first day of spring by the official rules, but my gorgeous winter is hanging on tightly as she delivers a freezing cold morning with lots of wind and plenty of snow visible on the mountains. I have nothing against spring per se, other than the fact that it always insists on allowing summer to slip through the door quietly. If we could curb that little behavioural anomaly, spring and I would be good friends for sure.

March 19, 2009

Here's nostalgia for you: I'm up before dawn. The reason is stupid, and I'm not a fan of being a light sleeper, but that is how it is and I don't anticipate it ever changing. So now I have to find a way to make this work in my favour, to use these extra hours to my advantage. This will probably manifest in photo editing, getting some of my old film prints in order and online. Riveting stuff.

March 18, 2009

I know it's time to get out of the house when I read the weather report on the internet, and then have to look out the window to verify it. That's ridiculous, I should be out in the world being and doing and experiencing. And yet, the things I do in here, in my sanctuary, are just as important. So now we're back to the problems of balance, of keeping those plates spinning without going completely crazy.

March 17, 2009

Breathe. Inhale, exhale; inhale, exhale. It sounds so simple, and yet when I finally become aware of it, I realise how unnecessarily difficult I make it. In fact, self-sabotage is rife in all facets of my behaviour, not just breathing. From the simplest acts to the most complex ones, I manage to stand in my own way without fail. How easy is it to step aside? It's quite comfortably the most difficult thing I've ever done.

March 16, 2009

I think what I expect from this week is a complete turnaround of my lack of motivation. I'm starting to lose sight of the golden ring, and that can't happen if I want to have any measure of success this year. So I have to focus, and work, and keep the intensity high. It will be undoubtedly tiring, but with any luck it will also be immensely rewarding, both in a personal sense, and financially.

March 15, 2009

And the reset button of a week is pushed. Sundays are for planning and plotting, for scheming and dreaming. There's nothing that can't be imagined or sketched out on a Sunday. The real work, of course, begins tomorrow - how will all these carefully laid plans pan out? The best thing I can do is not to think about the past, and instead concentrate on what's happening now, the tasks immediately in front of me.

March 14, 2009

The weather is warming up, and I think within a couple of weeks the snow will have disappeared from the mountains. This means the time for swimming is coming, the time for strappy tops and flip-flops and ice cream cones. For me, though, it'll mostly mean staying inside and trying to stay in front of the air-conditioner and fan as much as possible. Heat and I are not friends, to say the least.

March 13, 2009

Historically, Friday is the busiest day of my week, but today is busier than usual. Rain acted as nature's alarm clock and woke me at six this morning, which is fantastic because it gives me more time to do things, and in any case I love the early part of the day more than any other time. So now I feel like everything is under control, which of course is an illusion.

March 12, 2009

Thailand is the next target, but it appears to have been pushed back for a while due to logistic concerns. It's amazing how things become logarithmically complicated as each additional person is added to the planning equation. When it was just me traveling by myself, things were easy, but now that it's both me and Emirhan, things have gotten extremely twisted up and difficult to organise. Schudules clash, plans don't mesh.

March 11, 2009

And while we're on the subject of pleasures, let's talk a bit about travel. In my life it is a necessity, as I can't even live in this country without leaving every three months to renew my visa. So international journeys have become a habit. They have not, however, become a chore, as I typically go to Meis, a tiny jewel of a Greek island which almost feels like home.

March 10, 2009

Green tea, refreshing and calming at the same time. Is there any more perfect drink? Of course, I have to ruin it with tons of sugar, but that's just how I roll. I think it's part of my Southern legacy - everything has to be sweet, or deep-fried, or both if possible. Luckily I've adopted a slightly more healthy lifestyle since defecting, but I still have a few not-so-guilty pleasures.

March 9, 2009

Unplug the cable, let the motor spin down to zero. Leave it to cool for twenty-four hours. At that point, it should start working fine again, so feel free to give it a test run by powering it up again and seeing how things go. If all goes well, great. If not, rinse and repeat with the rest day. There is no linear path to being normal again.

March 8, 2009

Sunday. A day of rest. This is one of the few side effects of religion I can really get with. Unfortunately, for those of us whose work is their own, days of rest are few and far between. Sometimes things like illness force the issue, though it has to be said that I don't get sick very often, and it's difficult to convince myself to rest otherwise.

March 7, 2009

Some simple down time turns the corner into full-blown infection. Swollen tonsils - how can such tiny little glands take down a huge creature all on their own? I'm waiting for antibiotics to arrive, and possibly ice cream as well. Anything to relieve the pain and reduce the inflammation. Meanwhile, I distract myself with Donna Summer, and memories of 1977. I wish only for a space-time machine.

March 6, 2009

And of course, while we're on the subject of the failures of medication, I get sick. I'm lucky that this doesn't happen very often to me; nonetheless it's still a pain in the ass. Swollen glands, stuffy nose, fever, pain and difficulty swallowing. I don't want to eat, I don't want to work, all I want to do is watch movies and play video games.

March 5, 2009

If only pharmaceutical companies could get the balance right and develop a pill that keeps people young, thin, rich, powerful, and happy - then everything would be just fine, and I'd probably never feel the need to take another medication ever again. So why am I left to mix my own cocktail, both literally and figuratively, inevitably getting it wrong more than half the time?

March 4, 2009

Caffeine: my closest friend and my biggest enemy. Energy, bounce, and positive thoughts, closely chased by headaches, jitters, and feelings of doom. This is what chemical recreation is all about though - managing ups and downs, or sometimes trying to manufacture them. Fabricating joy and motivation when there isn't any, or calm and tranquility when motivation gets out of control and crosses into mania.

March 3, 2009

As if by magic, the dark clouds lift, and everything looks clear again. It's amazing how quickly these changes can come on, chemicals flowing to places they didn't flow to yesterday. It's strange that with all the money that is poured into the pharmaceutical industry, they can't seem to get the whole brain chemistry thing worked out. It's still a guessing game.

March 2, 2009

Speaking of cycles, it's time once again for the general floating anxiety that comes around like clockwork and turns my brain into a tempestuous sea of doubt and fear. Thankfully I have developed a way to get through this, namely a steady diet of exercise and Bailey's Irish Cream. It may seem illogical, but it has worked for me without fail.

March 1, 2009

A new month, and soon to be a new season. The weather is colder than ever, though - this is winter hanging on for me, showing its loyalty to my cause. I don't mind spring so much, except that it seems to insist on letting summer slip through the door every single year. I'd prefer an eternal three-season cycle - sorry, summer.

February 28, 2009

Every single day of my life I stop the clock on purpose, with the photos I take and the images I freeze forever. I think about what this means, to immortalise something by magnetising its likeness in the form of ones and zeros on a metal disk - my never-ending theory that numbers and art are one and the same.

February 27, 2009

It's amazing how some days drag on forever, and sometimes a week can pass in the blink of an eye. Despite popular opinion, I don't find it's directly related to the level of boredom or fun one is experiencing. Some of my worst weeks have been short, and some of my best days have nearly stopped the clock.

February 26, 2009

Even though the rain can be intimidating, it's not dangerous, despite how people behave in it. As silly as it sounds, you just have to accept that you're going to get wet, and get on with whatever you need to do. The other option is to retreat, but sometimes the consequences of that would be much worse.

February 25, 2009

I must keep moving, both literally and figuratively. Inertia is stagnation and stagnation is death, as far as I'm concerned. So I pack my bags and locate my passport, because it's nearly time to go again. This world is too interesting a place for me just to sit here and wonder what it might be like.

February 24, 2009

Greatness is easy - it's consistency that's difficult. Being great means being great every single day, whether I feel it or not. It means getting out of bed and walking the walk regardless of mood, circumstance, or physical energy. This is the difference between the human and the superhuman, between the idols and the stubbornly mediocre.

February 23, 2009

Sometimes one little change of plan is all it takes to light a fire and get myself motivated again. All of a sudden, I'm very interested in not sucking so much anymore, in being a person who is taken seriously instead of a person who resembles a really old child. Now is the time.

February 22, 2009

Sundays, on the other hand, are days for reloading, packing the coming week in tightly so that it can be fired off first thing Monday. I have Sundays down to a science, a pattern of checklists and routines that works every single time. Except when it doesn't, which is about half the time.

February 21, 2009

Saturdays save lives. They bring a much-needed dose of nothing, a recharge day that doesn't carry the feeling of purgatory that invariably plagues a Sunday. Saturday is about freedom, lack of responsibility, and all-out hedonism. Like Vegas, whatever happens Saturday stays there, and it's nobody's business to ask what transpired or why.

February 20, 2009

That's pretty much the whole of the story - ups and downs, excitement and routine. Keeping enjoyment high in the mix is the tricky part, as the downs and routine are all too frequent, and the ups and excitement are often of the less pleasant variety. Finding amusement can be a chore.

February 19, 2009

There are also days where a single bottleneck brings everything to a screeching halt. Sometimes a task that should take twenty minutes ends up eating an entire day, and it's difficult not to get frustrated or want to give up. Luckily there's Turkish red wine to help salvage the evening.

February 18, 2009

I'm starting to get more aggressive with my plans and goals. I'm getting myself out there more often, taking chances, risking things. It's not as scary as I thought it would be, but it is tiring. These days, I crash into bed at night instead of lying there awake.

February 17, 2009

Instead I dance like there is no tomorrow, because perhaps there isn't. I don't believe in an afterlife, so everything I want to do needs to get done now, or not at all. I don't want to waste a single minute, and I don't want to coast through.

February 16, 2009

In fact, in terms of remaining time, each of us has a countdown clock ticking away relentlessly. Today I begin my thirty-seventh trip around the sun. With each escaping second I'm one step closer to being completely out of time, but it's hardly something I worry about.

February 15, 2009

Time is constant - I'm just playing around with labels and semantics. The psychological aspects of self-management are strange to say the least, as there are never greater or fewer than 24 hours in a day, and yet moving things around appears to "make" more time available.

February 14, 2009

I have now magically created space in my day for things like exercise and relaxing. I'm gradually feeling less stressed in the evenings, and less rushed in the afternoon. It's amazing what a schedule shift can do. After all, I didn't actually fabricate more time.

February 13, 2009

So I'm slowly trying to get myself back into a pattern that suits me and my unusual way of functioning. Every consecutive day I wake up earlier and earlier, and already I feel the benefits of returning to a more sane and reasonable lifestyle.

February 12, 2009

Historically I'm more of a morning person, preferring to get my day started at dawn rather than at lunchtime. This recent shift into the land of night owls has almost certainly caused me problems, both with my physical health and my emotional well-being.

February 11, 2009

Meanwhile, back in the land of trial and anxiety, I'm wondering if there's a foolproof way to salvage an ailing sleep schedule. Nights spent working until dawn and days spent resting until noon cannot be ideal, although many people keep those hours.

February 10, 2009

Doors have started to open, invitations are rolling in for things I never would have dreamed about in years past. All that is lacking is the security to back it all up, but that will come, assuredly that will come soon.

February 9, 2009

So I find adventure where I can, seeking joy wherever I am. I attempt to develop my eye for the unusual, spotting things that others don't see in the immediate world around me. This has lead to many interesting developments.

February 8, 2009

And most things do fall right about in the middle - days filled with a repeating routine, chores and tasks to be done, items to be bought. The line between the sane and the mundane is often blurred beyond recovery.

February 7, 2009

Deep down, however, I know that's not what I really want. I do want the serenity and inner quiet, but I also want to balance it with a life full of adventure and experience. Walking the middle road.

February 6, 2009

Sometimes I think the solution is to throw everything out and start over. The life of a Buddhist monk often sounds appealing - no materialist clinging, no stress, no running myself ragged. Just meditation and daily personal maintenance.

February 5, 2009

But there's another machine that needs tuning up: me. Entropy is king. Everything about me, from the physical to the organisational, needs a complete overhaul. My hours need restructuring within days, and my days within weeks.

February 4, 2009

My daydreams of escaping into a land of fantasy are brought crashing down by a mechanical malfunction. Back in the land of the living, computers control information, and I'm trying to control computers, somewhat successfully.

February 3, 2009

However, my mind is focused on traditions from hot places - catrinas and calaveras, a gorgeous meaning of death with art at the centre. I do miss living in the richness of an Hispanic atmosphere.

February 2, 2009

Ironically, it's this deadest time of year that makes me feel the most motivated and alive. There is nothing like crisp morning air and frost on the ground to get my energy flowing.

February 1, 2009

----------I hear a lot of people complain about February, but it's probably my favourite month. I'm a winter person - I love cold weather, and being able to move around without getting sleepy.

January 31, 2009

The goal now, therefore, is to be creative with ways to get moving upward. It would be silly to start so strong and then abandon the search for a finish line.

January 30, 2009

I tend to have the opposite problem - my foundation is solid, but I've used all my building materials on it, and now I find myself standing on an empty slab.

January 29, 2009

I believe that as corny as it sounds, building a strong future requires a stable foundation, and it's safe to say that most people build their lives on sand.

January 28, 2009

So forward I go, carried on a wave of symbolic and psychosomatic momentum. Ironically, the things I desire to find most have to do with reclaiming the past.

January 27, 2009

I don't believe that astrology holds any supernatural powers, but I'm aware of the psychological influence of symbols, and I enjoy using that influence to my advantage.

January 26, 2009

This year, you see, is the year of the ox, and as I was born under that sign, this is the year of me, as well.

January 25, 2009

Nonetheless, I have to fight the urge to retreat into the comfort of relaxation, and prepare myself to earn the good fortune ahead of me.

January 24, 2009

Weather is also an issue. Cold, rainy, dark months cry out for hot chocolate and film marathons, reading books and napping on the sofa.

January 23, 2009

I'm certainly not shy of work, but I do find myself getting tired more easily these days, perhaps a factor of my lifestyle.

January 22, 2009

All things can be good in moderation, and this year in particular is destined to be one of work combined with reward.

January 21, 2009

At that point, all I can do is surrender and succumb for awhile, and let the gentle current carry me along.

January 20, 2009

The ingredients will come together at exactly the right time, finding a gap between my thoughts, swiftly piercing my soul.

January 19, 2009

But sometimes, only occasionally, I get caught off guard. It can be something as simple as food or weather.

January 18, 2009

With a steady supply of activity I continue moving forward, and I avoid being dragged backward, as well.

January 17, 2009

Constant movement prevents stagnation, and nostalgia can only thrive where the mind is still and awaiting input.

January 16, 2009

Perhaps this is subconscious design on my part, but the end result is the same regardless.

January 15, 2009

I'm lucky that my daily life is busy enough to prevent too much self-indulgent wallowing.

January 14, 2009

Once these connections are made, they last a lifetime, and the implications are bittersweet.

January 13, 2009

Memories can be triggered by anything - a scent, a sight, or a song.

January 12, 2009

Our brains tie one thing to another, and a third thing manifests.

January 11, 2009

It was only when I got older that objects became symbols.

January 10, 2009

Nothing is new. Nothing is old. Everything simply exists equally.

January 9, 2009

Childhood is a planet where life is blissfully static.

January 8, 2009

In the solace of youth I was safe.

January 7, 2009

Just as it always does, every time.

January 6, 2009

But it found me, oh yes.

January 5, 2009

I did try to hide.

January 4, 2009

It cannot be stopped.

January 3, 2009

It seeks warmth.

January 2, 2009

It yearns.

January 1, 2009

Nostalgia.