So, today's picture is of me holding my electric guitar. I have not learned how to shred yet. Again, no time. There are so many things I want to do, but so little time. I am already eighteen, that's almost twenty. It's crazy. I loved being a kid. I feel so unaccomplished for my age. People say I am so young still and have a lot of time to do the things I want. I feel like life is slipping away. I do not feel like I have time to do everything I want. Think about it. I am going to be in school for a long time. After that I will hopefully have a job as a psychiatrist. I will be, what? Thirty something by them. Oh my goodness. My prime years will have passed. I am starting my 'prime' years now. Once I pass twenty five, I have to start settling down. I feel like I was meant for the arts. I have so much determination and drive in my artistic works that I take seriously. I take pride in them. I am not good enough to live off it though, of course not, not with that attitude. Actually, I think I pretty good. If I put my mind to it. A lot of people will read this and think, what in the world is she doing this for, I really do notk now, Now i am off topic and rambling. Oh well, this entry is almsot over and then I can move on. Just breathe.

Today's picture is of me sitting in the car, waiting for my brother to pay for gas. Again, another picture where it does not correspond with something important that happened that day. though it does remind me of something that happened a couple of days ago. i went to the gas station with my brother and sister and there was this guy that was claiming me was deaf and that he needed money for his children. i have seen thing being done time and time again. i know the person may actually be deaf, but with the way things are in these times, you never know what people will do to get money. there is a lady who does a similar thing in the eaton centre's food court. i never give them money. it is not that i do not feel sorry for them, but i never know if they are telling the truth. they should be ashamed if they are actually being fraudulent; using pity to manipulate people. oh, that brings in another thing about pity. salvation army. they always have people with disabilities who man the donation bins. they make you feel bad on purpose. it is really horrible. people should give because they want to and i do, but not because the salvation army is using types of people as a pity trip. it really bugs me. plus, salvation army does not support gay people, so i have some sort of grudge against the actual company. some charities are so corrupt, it's really sad.

Okay, so today's picture is of me on my bed. Hah. See, that's the bad thing about me. I get lazy and take pictures that have no significance of the particular day. The day before showcased a highlight of my day and it brings back distinct memories, but me lying on my bell does not connect to a specific memory, really. Next year I do not think I will make my three hundred sixty five project a self portrait one. I think I should just take a picture a day. My appearance and myself do not necessarily relate to my day as a whole. sometimes it is a simple object. plus, i am actually pretty tired of posing for the camera. sure, it has taught me which angles I look best at, but it really is a nuisance sometimes. plus, i think by taking pictures everyday of something other than myself will help me find beauty in the simple thing. it's not that i do not do that already, but it will give me more time to do so, especially if i am taking a picture of it. i got experience with portraits from this year and last year, so next year will be practice for photography in general. yeah, sounds pretty good. plus, i really do not like seeing my face everyday. it gets annoying and i feel like i am so vain sometimes. i mean, come on, taking a picture of yourself for every day of the year? that is pretty darn vain, right?

Geeze, what was happening on September twelfth. I really do not know. I know that I was in school, but that is it really. Let me check my shuttercal -- oh, okay. My picture is of me and my four polaroids I got when we went out to celebrate mom and mike's birthday. That was a really fun day. All the polaroids I got were in wonderful condition. I got one that uses sx-70 film, but that film is super expensive. Oh, while on the subject of film. A few days ago I realized my polaroid film mich got me was expired. I put it in the fridge, so I hope it is not too bad. we'll see how the polaroids come out for christmas. I still have nine shots to go through in my original polaroid camera. I got the four cameras at value village. man, I love thrift shops. They cost me about 20 dollars. it was totally awesome. I was freaking out. They had just came in the day before, so I was lucky to have come across them. it's funny. i have all these cameras, but never use them. i need to be in a sort of mood to shoot pictures and i have not felt that feeling in a while. maybe it is because i am busy all the time. plus, i have not been truly inspired in a while. i have these bursts of creative energy, but they never last long enough. i need to get in the groove again.

Hm. What a day to start my catchup on. So, today I have set the whole day aside so I could catchup on all these missing entries. I will definitely have to write more than five thousand words. I can just ramble on about nothingness really. I think that's what I am going to do. also, no contractions either. I really do not know what to say right now. It is ten days into my break and all I have done is rest. That is not bad, but I feel as if I have not accomplished much, which is true. Bleep. Bloop. Blap. Yup, I am just going to write nonsensical things. It is not like anybody will be reading this. The only reason why I am catching up on this, is because it was something I wanted to do for the new year, like my three hundred sixty five project. That worked out well because it has become habit. I could not keep up with this because it was not. It is also a lot of work. Some days you do no even feel like writing. I just got bored of it, but I am determined to be on track. I will be on track by the end of the day. I really do hope so. It will make me feel somewhat accomplished. So, what have I done in the past couple months? Well, over these next entries you will find out. It will not correspond with the day though. A jumbled mess.

Wow. I have not written one of these in a while. Over the Christmas break I should be able to catch up. I do not think I will be doing this next year. It is extremely hard for me to keep up with writing projects because I find I can't force myself to write. That is usually the predicament I find myself in whenever I sit down and try to write an entry for this. I decided to write today's entry because I feel that need to write.

Sometimes I can't help but think that life is just a test to see how long you can go without offing yourself. Really. I know that's a horribly pessimistic view of life, but I've been pretty down in the dumps lately. The weather's not helping. It's rainy, dark and just overall gloomy. I know there is so much beauty in this world, but some days it seems the ugly outweighs the beautiful.

Maybe I'm not looking hard enough or I choose not to see the beauty over the ugliness.

I'm just over the halfway point for this entry. I wanted this to be a project to get my creative juices flowing. It did at some point, but a lot of the time it was just frustrating. I do not get my thoughts down on paper in ways that I want a lot of the time.

A lot has changed since I last wrote a post. I think I'm more comfortable with who I am. I found out things about people. Said things made me re-think my friendships. I admitted things that made a friendship stronger; or at least I think it did.

I think I'm realizing a lot of people don't really belong in my life. Then there are the people that still continue to bug you even if they're out of your life. You see their picture and you just scoff. She can do whatever. She's just always bothered me.

You look at me as if you want me to never forget your eyes. You want me to memorize. The worlds you never let anyone else see. The unshed tears. The hidden glares. Every single little thing.

I don't understand why you'd give me such a daunting task...

You are a shell with no soul and I feel sorry for you.

"It has absolutely nothing to do with you." "But I want it to have something to do with me."

You have no business here, nor have you ever.

You go back to where you don't belong. Get out. Get out. You're eating away at the locks that keep my secrets. You're hoping you'll get in. To tell you the truth, you were pretty damn close.

I never ask you to give. You just do. So, why do you want to force stuff out of me? I'm uncomfortable and have trust issues. Combined, those two things result in you not getting anything out of me, and me getting annoyed. I gladly share when it's something that I'm comfortable with. I may be close with you, but I have a lot of stuff I keep inside. If you can't deal, then leave.

I'm in pain and everyone's singing along. I love how awful this is.

I'm so sick of this pressure you're putting me under. I feel like the only way you'll stick around is if I put-out. Why can't people ever be satisfied with what I give them. They should know how hard it is for me to actually trust people. They don't know the whole story. That's why. They have these preconceived notions.

Just stop.

You know how they always tell you that you shouldn't be afraid of being who you are? Well, I can't help, but be afraid of being who I am. It's not like it's a crime, but it may as well be in my religion. I refuse to believe that God hates anyone; a testament to all those who hold up such hateful signs. I don't get what's logically wrong with it either.

And if this God truly believes this than he is not a God I want to believe in.

I know I'm always vague about posts like this, but I'm not exactly comfortable in being who I am yet, as stated above, thanks to the environment I've been brought up in. My parents are wonderful, but they're a bit close-minded and conservative.

I know I have to talk about it at some time or another and it has to be soon. It hurts to hold everything in. I personally think i shouldn't even be ashamed of it. I know I shouldn't. I think I've missed out on so much by being insecure about who I am and that's a shame.

It's why I choose to put myself in environments where creativity is encouraged because the people are generally more accepting. I wanted to go to an arts-centred school, but didn't even try out. It's something that I really regret. I ended up in the same Catholic high school my siblings went to. A teen's creative outlet is not really focused on there.

University definitely changes things. As much as I love to change things up, there are those aspects of your life that you wish would stay the way they are forever. Life does not permit this to happen all the time. I envy the stories that tell of friends who have known each other for so long, saying that their relationship never changed, that they we always close. It's hard for me to have friendships like this. I don't have best friends. I've talked about this before. I have major trust issues. I can't just let out information to others like a lot of people seem to be able to do.

I'm eighteen and I feel like I haven't had a lot of close friends; one that know me inside out. I can count them on one hand and I'm even iffy about some of those ones.

I guess I am to blame for the lack of interaction with others. I have a very interpersonal personality. On all these personality tests I've scored INFP, which is one of the lower percentages of personality types. I'm super seclusive. Awkward in social settings. Enjoy my independence. Like my alone time profusely. The tortured poets, artists and indie kids usually fall in this category. Heh.

I was never a social butterfly. I was the kids that cried when they said goodbye to their mom before school began. It's funny how I like being alone, yet long for that someone who I can relate to on a certain level. Companionship is just part of human nature, so I shouldn't be surprised. I hope I find this someone soon. Real soon.

I really do hate being sick. I had to write up two papers for uni while I felt utterly atrocious. It was hard enough to sit through two, two hour lectures while constantly having to blow your nose or sniffling. I took the packed bus home and opened the door. I basically burst through the door, threw my bag on the floor, went into the kitchen and cried. Yeah, it was that bad. My head was throbbing and I was starting to freak out because I couldn't breathe properly due to my nasal blockage. I guess it was the stress and sickness combined.

I hate being on meds. I hate not being to breathe properly. A tissue is always somewhere near my nose. My nose is getting all irritated and red from the amount of time I've held a tissue up against it. I believe it is a head cold though. The rest of my body feel fine; it's jsut my nose and throat that are bothering me.

Today was suppose to be YoutTube cover day. Scott was supposed to come over and work on some songs. Today would have been perfect too, but noooo, I just had to be sick. So, I'm pretty bummed about how everything turned out. I'm just glad this isn't the swine flu or anything like that.

So, here I am. Stuck in front of the computer because I do not feel up to anything else. Tomorrow I have to finish off notes and continue studies for the psych test on Monday. Next week has to be dedicated to leisure. Too much work will make you an angry person.

It beat in a proper rhythm, but sometimes it's off a beat and that's when it really sink in. This is how my heart behaves. It's not constant. I'd say anything else would be more reliable, but that's a lie. Maybe it's jsut because of how I feel today. I'm not in the greatest of moods, my throat is sore and it's a very dreary and cold day. So, back to this heart business.

This is al really mind vomit. I'm trying to write without really thinking about what it is I'm trying to write. A television show I want to watch is almost on and I need to rush this, so it will be more incoherent of a post.

I try to hard to get my feelings out on paper and onyl end up making myself more confused. It never comes out right. I need to have that one entry on paper, or anywhere and feel satisfied with it. I need to know that I have said something profound. I see other psots on various blogs and listen to lyrics of songs and wonder how somebody could have thought to write those exact words. They're genius and everything I wanted to say, but couldn't. I guess I'm just thinking too hard. They say it just comes, that you shouldn't force it, so I'm not. It will come to me when it wants to. Nwo I sounds crazy right? Talking about the coming of words? Oh well, I was never the one to be considered normal anyways. I have no qualms about being my awkward self. This will probably make no sense. Crap.

"You look like you've lost weight," she says as I pull the sweater over my head.

Yeah, I'm skinny. It's not like it's new news to anyone that has known me for a while I've never been overweight and I never plan to be. I have been slim since I was little, so who those who think I have eating problems or whatever, go look at my childhood pictures. I'm conscious of what I eat, but not to the extent where I actually care that much. I don't see the point in being overweight if I can help it. Why would I want to cause myself more discomfort than I already have.

People come in different shapes and sizes. Everyone knows that nobody is exactly the same. Tell, short, skinny, fat, whatever. You don't have to be a genius to know that people are judged by the way they looked and are given priority because of it. We see it everyday. We have all gotten jealous over your latest crush ogling over eye candy. I really don't know why I'm talking about this. I looked in the mirror and remembered something that my sister said to me when she came back from vacation.

People say that I'm lucky and yeah, in some sort of ways I am, but I'm just me. I really wish people would stop commenting on it some days. Maybe I'm ungrateful and I probably am. I'm not having a great day.

So, to all those people who are complaining about their weight. You are you. People can take you for what you are or judge you. Who cares.

When the people you know act like dominoes, just let them fall and hit each other. News and opinions are passed on and it creates this whole chain of misunderstanding. Yeah, we all go along with the reaction, but I like being the stubborn one that doesn't fall. Does this make sense? I guess not. It was just an image I got in my head. We have a bit too many people who are those that just keep on falling; they go along with everything just because.

Dare to be different people.

So, today I was on the bus and I was wearing DocMartens and a flannel shirt. There was this filipina that kept on staring at me; she was one of those typical socialites that I truly despise. I'm so happy my family isn't the typical filipino family. We don't use ate or kuya or whatever terms there are used for respect. So, anyways, they girl kept staring and I gave her this 'what in the world are you looking at' look. Yeah, I get it, I look different, but I'm not some animal at the zoo. Sure, look a couple of times, but don't stare at me for a good minute or two. It's uncomfortable. I know I give off a strong front and combined with my DMs I probably looked like I was ready to kick someone's ass. Maybe it's because she thought I was a dude? I do have short hair. Whatever, I just don't like being started at for long periods of time by random people. It's because of my whole problem with attention. It's awkward.

I can be sitting on a chair and an epiphany will drop down. 'Why am I here?' is my main question. That girl that just walked in, wants a hug and I think she's crazy, but whatever. This inner monologue going through my head is making me go crazy, but it's my true thoughts. Throughout the night the dialogue gets louder and louder and again I find myself asking why the hell I am here. I don't like drinking, this is not my scene. I am a home-body who likes their personal space and is basically anti-social. Yeah, it's pretty much crazy how much I like my alone time. It's weird because I want to be a psychologist or social worker. How funny is that? Though the thing is, I really like talking people through problems, or having people talk to me and me giving them advice. It's highly amusing and I can definitely see myself doing it. I deal with people's problems because I'm not into drama. I can figure it out, but I stay away from it myself. I really enjoy my books and analyzing.

It is funny seeing people drunk though.

Experiment, you only get one chance. Keep that in mind though. You only get one chance.

Let people do whatever they want. Let them go crazy. One time or another they'll look back and smile or look back and frown. It's life. Let it happen.

I can only my thing and let them do theirs. If they ask for an opinion I'm there, but I'm not going to tell them what to do unless vital.

So, I'm definitely getting comfortable. It's not good at all. Maybe it's because it's all working out too well. Well, as of a couple of moments ago, I get it. It's not who I am. I have said this time and time again, but I'm not the stereotypical teenager. I am not one for partying. I can sit down at a coffee shop, sketch and observe people and be totally content. Yeah, I guess you could say I'm pretty anti-social and boring, but it's who I am. I don't mind meeting people, but I like my alone time more. I have yet to meet anyone that makes me feel otherwise. Sure, life has it's moments when it's better with other people and there are times when having someone else there with you makes it better because you know it's really when both of you experience it, but whatever. I find people just make things complicated, but what IS life without other people? Nothing. That's why it's so confusing for me. I love to be alone, but I have got to find myself a core group of people I know I'll never get sick of, or at least that core person. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and acquaintances, but I always feel that something is missing. Maybe this is not the place or time for it to happen yet. I get that. I know it will happen when it is supposed to. I wish I had a lot money, so I could move after I get my degree. I'd be gone as soon as possible, and love it.

I was going to do another entry after this in attempts to catch up, but I lost my will. It will probably come back tomorrow, but I have a bunch of work to do tomorrow. I still think that I am slacking a bit. I really need to get myself in order. I think that's what I need to do. Once I have everything set in place. I should be okay.

I like getting ready for school. I like going school supply shopping. It's therapeutic. I have certain tastes though. I think everyone does. Everyone has that one pen or pencil that they cannot live without. I went to check if a store had these pens that I loved, but they seemed to have run out of the bulk pack. Once I use the ones I've bought, I'll check again. If anything I might even check before I run out, just because I like them that much. I love writing in new notebooks too, it's refreshing? I do not know if that is the right word, but whatever. I am sleepy. Tomorrow I have to transfer notes, make notes, read a lot, print out stuff and organize myself. Also, a little clean-up for my room is probably called for. it's getting messy again. When it is clean I cna find things easier and not have a panic attack.

Yes, I am blabbing, but I am almost at the end of this entry and I want to hit the sack. Eyes. Getting. Heavy.

So, today was the first day of university. It was how I expected. Yes, I am upset that I did not go away for uni, but whatever. I still get to see my family, I spend less money and I still go to a pretty good school. I like having my independence. That's one of the things I love most. I like knowing what and when I have to do things throughout the year. Teachers don't hound on you because they do not care. People are always on the grass, under trees reading their books and eating their lunch. It's really chill -- apart from the work load of course. I have never read so much in my life. I love it. I like reading. It builds up my vocabulary and it's interesting. I have always liked English. Psychology seems very interesting as well. I have two English courses, psychology, Latin and philosophy. The ony course I'm iffy about is philosophy, but I think it will help me go through thought processes better and build my communication skills. Latin is very cool. I have always had an interest in Latin. It helps that I took French. Overall it seems bearable. I am still hoping to transfer to the downtown campus for next year though. I need to get out of here. It may be a longer commute, but it's worth it. I could probably find a cheap apartment to share with other students though. That would be amazing. I love being downtown.

I really want a film SLR, a DSLR and a film TLR. There are other things too. Let's list the material things I want. This will be fun. So, I already listed three. Let's go! I want:

An old typewriter, a portable and old record player, a large amount of books, a bigger house, actually -- my own loft, ikea furnishing....

Okay screw it. I'm going to talk about one of my many dream houses.

It would be a loft in Bristol, England. Ikea furnished. Brick walls and high ceiling and large windows. My coffee machine would have a set time when it would brew coffee. I would have an iMac and my Macbook Pro. I would have a music room with countless instruments and sound-proof walls. I would turn a room into a dark room and another room would be dedicated to my camera collection. I would have an office with shelves filled with books, CDs, vinyl and such. An old record player would be in the corner. The kitchen and living room would be one big open space. Kitchen in the corner. I want my loft to be spacious. My bedroom would be in the top right corner. I would have a walk-in closet, a locker-ish shelf in the corner, a safe in the closet and a queen low-rise bed. My bathroom would have a tub and a shower. The water in the shower would come from a ceiling spout, not a knob thingy.

I love dreaming up possibilities.

Right now I am extremely sleepy, but I must catch up a bit with my journal. This journal. I was so excited to do this at the beginning of the year. I still am, but life moves along.

Being in university and trying to embrace the last days of summer takes up the majority of your time. You are trying to prepare yourself for a new environment and at the same time you are saying goodbye to people you do not want to say goodbye to.

That is basically why I did not keep up with this during the end of August and all of September. It is a real pain in the butt to have to catch up, but I feel obliged to do it. I hate not finishing things I have started. It leaves me with a sinking feeling. I do not like when that happens.

So here I am trying to fill the lines so I can move on to the next date that I missed regretfully. I am trying to say things that are relevant, but I really want to get to the end, so I can start writing about stuff when it actually happens.

I think today was the bonfire I had before everyone left. It was so much fun. It was a good way to end the summer. Summer came slowly, dragged on and then flew by. That's what always happens when you do not want something to end. It just comes faster.

Why do I care so much about the arts? I have gotten that question a couple of times.

Yes, the maths and sciences are a tremendously important part of our lives. That is definitely something I cannot deny -- but I think the arts are VITAL.

It scares me to think about what the world would be like without it. I think the world would be a terrible place. I actually cannot picture the world without it. How would we express ourselves fully? By chanting out numbers and such? Binary code? How much fun...

I definitely think of myself as more of an artsy person than math and science. I love what are is capable of doing. It goes beyond language barriers and such.

I see fashion as art too. I'm sure most people would. I care about how I look like, but not to the point where I'm freaking out about buying a new outfit for such-and-such occasion. I like clothes. I like buying them and wearing them. There's a challenge in putting an outfit together. I slip things on most of the time. I'm certainly a jeans and t-shirt kind of gal.

I find the fashion industry exciting. I follow the runways, fashion blogs and magazines -- not religiously. It's really interesting. Though I don't want to be trendy or fashionable. I feel like 'stylish' is more of a word that I aim for. There's that flare and originality I must have, or I feel out of place.

I just saw a picture of Sydney, Australia and I wanted to badly to delve into that picture. I really want to get out of here. I know I have written about them a countless amount of times. It just shows the extremity of the situation and desire. Out. Out. Out.

Maybe this desire to get away has to do with that ache I have in me. I can't explain it on here, but it's there. I want to get away in order to compensate for something else. That makes no sense to anyone, but me does it not?

Anyways. That picture. It was a whole new area for me to discover. I need something new. I am so bored where I am. The first I will do if I win a large sum of money is travel. No electronics or clothes. I want to see new sights -- okay and maybe shop there too. What can I do, I love shopping. Money equal new items. So bad. I really am trying to be better. I am not a shop-a-holic though -- I swear.

I feel like I am running out of time. No joke. People always tell me I have all the time in the world to do things, but I can't help but think that the clock's ticking seems to have sped up. It is probably because I am thinking about it more often.

I just want to escape everything. Just pack up and go. Far away.

I dislike when people contradict themselves. They say one thing so confidently, yet they themselves are culprits as well. They talk all 'high and mighty' yet they do not really understand what is coming out of their mouths to the fullest extent. Sure, we've all done this, but I like pointing this out when people are trying to feud with me.

It gets me all riled up and by then I do not want to speak to whomever I am arguing with. It's just tiring trying to explain something to someone who is so stubborn. It does not matter what you say to them, they stick to whatever they think even if they are blatantly wrong. There is no point, so I just walk away. Yes, this may seem a tad cowardice, but if it helps me get away, let people think what they like. It gives me a headache by just listening to them.

I put in my earphones and walk. Just walk. To a park or to wherever really, I just feel the need to get away from everything, not just them. They make my day that much worse by being in existence.

If you are of acquaintance of them and they know little peeves of your, they use that to their advantage as well. They do it continuously until it drives you mad. They think they've won, but they have just displayed how annoying they truly are.

Sorry, something just set me off.

At this moment in time:

I'm calm. School starts in a couple of days and I'm excited. I know it will take me a while to get used to, but I’ll get there; to that place where I'm comfortable. I’m amazed at how calm I am about this whole situation, really. I would normally be freaking out. Maybe I know that university's going to be just a big high school? Maybe I am starting to care less and less about what others think of me, which is really good. I’m actually really glad that summer is ending. I’m growing super tired of summer and everything it has to over, or really, the lack of. It was a very lazy summer. I needed the rest though. The last year of high school really tired me out. Mentally and physically. I know I didn’t do my best, but I can’t do anything with that now. The cards have been dealt and now I have to live with what has been given to me. I know this is all my problem. I said I wanted to go somewhere far, but I slacked and now I’m stuck at home. Living somewhere for seventeen years is not healthy at all. Once I’m done school I want to work my ass off. When I get enough money I’ll move out of the country. I want to do this by the time I’m twenty-five, but life throw curve balls, things will change.

...I just need to force it. Tell myself to screw everything and just do it. Close friends are moving away or going to different schools. I feel like we’re all growing up so fast. In another eighteen years we’ll be thirty-six. That’s almost forty. That’s crazy. Eighteen years went by incredibly fast. Life goes by to fast. I get why they tell you to savour it. I just need to live. Do what is best for myself, do what I want and just live. I want to travel. I want to see everything I want to see and not regret.

I don’t know why this happens to me -- guys that do not like seem to end up liking me. I’m way more comfortable with guys than I am with girls. Sure, it’s nice to have girl friends, but I only have a few. With guys there’s not much drama, but that is until they start liking you. It just gets weird then. You have this guy that you are comfortable with and then all of that is gone when he says he likes you. That’s how it goes most of the time when people admit their feelings. It is always like that that isn’t it? Unless the feelings are returned of course.

I'll end this rant on a whole right now and just continue with normal posts. I'm still behind, but I'll catch up. I just need to focus and things will work out.

...I think all of this bad luck lately is from karma getting back at the bad things I’ve done. Yes, this is for the mall-rating incident. I gave it, I deserve it. I really need to watch it.

I can’t hang out with girls. They all end up making me crazy in one way or another. I get sick of guys too because, well, they’re guys.

You know why I can’t trust? People really do screw you over and mess up the opportunity for everyone else. When you let people in, they fuck you up. Such a pessimistic view, right? Well, it will stay this way until someone proves me wrong and makes me comfortable enough for me to be myself around them. It has yet to happen fully. I always sense an ulterior motive because we all know we have different lives. Public, private and secret ones. It’s just how it is. Nobody is so open that everyone knows him or her fully. You can’t have an open book that ruins the ending. It ruins it. I guess that’s why. That is a really weird analogy, but so be it. People are complicated anyways.

I have calmed down a lot. This whole university deal is really sinking in fast. I guess that happens once it’s right around the corner. I start school in three days. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m going to try and be more out there...

...I think you’re really insecure. I think I’m emotionally unstable. In order to pursue the occupation I want I need to figure myself out first.

You know when people are really bad at hiding things? It makes it worse. If you’re a shitty liar don’t lie to me. Just get me upset instead of making a worse impression. A pause in your voice says so much. You can tell you’re trying to make something up, you have someone near you trying to give you that ‘don’t say anything’ look or you have something mouthing words to you.

Feeling change so quickly, that’s why it’s so fucked up. You could be so close with someone and one little choice they make screws everything up. One fucking gesture or word can end something that has lasted so much longer. Why the hell do people do it? Lie to your face. You’re afraid of hurting other people? Just tell them. Goodness me. Right now I bet you’re trying to figure out more things about people. You love to be in the loop, don’t you?

How much do you want to bet that this is all because of miscommunication?

I am just tired – so incredibly sick and tired of people around me. As soon as I am financially stable. I’m out. I’ll finish school and move. I swear the only thing stopping me from going is money. I would have been gone a long time ago...

...I can deal with that.

This sets me back in the relationship department. I say I want to be in a relationship. I need to find that someone that I need to open myself up too. Haven’t found that yet, which is understandable with my social condition. I need someone who I will not get tired of telling stuff too.

Enough talk about that. I will say more about that in a couple hundred of words.

Back to this feeling I feel right now. Is it safe to say that I feel hurt? Yeah, that’s it. I feel hurt. After all this time, my mind still thinks one thing. You got close, you are somehow are not living up to what you should entail.

When someone you know takes that leap to jump ahead even if it means stepping over someone else, it makes me angry. You are finally where you want to be. Was it worth it?

I feel like you’re doing this on purpose. You say you don’t like the spotlight, but everything you’ve done has only led you exactly there. Maybe it’s because you know w have a past? I really think you’re trying to rub something in. of course if I say anything, I’m pronounced paranoid because nothing’s between us anymore.

You’re smart. You are in a win-win situation. Smart. Whatever. If those are your intentions, karma will deal with it eventually. You get what you give...

...care what you think. I am never what you say I am. I hate how fast I get sick of people. I just have a general dislike of people. People bother me. Including myself. I like being detached from people. Don’t force me to hang out with you often. Don’t ask me if I’m okay when I am clearly not. It makes me feel worse. Don’t chase me. For goodness sakes please don’t do that. If I walk away from you, it’s probably within good reason, so let me walk. I walk because I’m fed up and angry. If you follow me, you are sure to get a scowl. I should stop writing about these things because it is making me angry.

It does not help when I talk about good things, so I won’t even bother to.

Why am I so angry today? I have asked my parents countless times for a psychologist. I think it would be really helpful because I always feel like I’m being judged, so I’d prefer a total stranger to listen to my ‘problems’. I can’t open up to people I know. I can tell a stranger more about me in an hour than I can to someone I know. Odd right? It’s just how I work. I’m complex. This goes with me trust issues. I don’t let people get close, as I mentioned before. So it keeps me from getting close from people...

...goodness. Makes me angry. I actually told my cousin I would crash his civies day to tell the dude off. Ugh. Horrible. He thinks MGMT is the most indie band out there and -- omg, I really can’t say anymore about him. I want to meet him one day so I can put him straight. Jeebus. I swear guys wouldn’t touch skinny jeans before because there was a girly connotation that came along with wearing them. Bring in Kanye West and Chris Brown, celebrities. Who wear them, and all of them are wear Levis skinny jeans. Lovely. I love how the style and lifestyle of those excluded is now being seen throughout mainstream culture. I love how people act as if it was not weird before. If it’s in style that doesn’t really matter, right? WRONG!

I’m only halfway through this rant and I’m really tired. This is why I should not let things build up. It is so hard to catch up on everything. It’s nice to rant on everything, but again, too much to catch up on.

I’m angry while writing this. I honestly get worked up over the stupidest things. Who cares if the people I have gotten close to piss me off? People usually piss me off. I really don’t even know why I am mad.

Let’s list things that piss me off. I don’t like it when people try to label me. I don’t care...

...and what not all the time. I like reading up on fashion. I can pop up randomly and tell your things about so-and-so’s collection or trends for the next season. I just find that information really interesting. Talking like this while bashing trendy people gives others a horrible perspective of you. I say I don’t like trends and hate posers, but here I am telling you what I saw on McQueen’s runway. How horrible. It just worked out that way. Truth be told, I like wearing things that are in a lot of the time. I just don’t go overboard. Yeah, I’ll put it that way. I wear trendy clothes, but don’t max out on the trendiness of things. I like being my own person way more than being a walking billboard for today’s latest fads. They are those people who make me really uncomfortable and sick; those who jump in and divulge in the trends. There’s this one kid who my cousin knows that reminds me of this. I saw picture of him before. What a 360 he did. Actually a lot of guys did this, this year; all of them almost, especially those in the upper level of high school hierarchy. He started wearing all this HandM and Urban Outfitters and called out my cousin for wearing a messenger bag saying that he was proud that my cousin learned something from him. What an ass. Oh...