Passenger Seat

November 25, 2009

Wow. I have not written one of these in a while. Over the Christmas break I should be able to catch up. I do not think I will be doing this next year. It is extremely hard for me to keep up with writing projects because I find I can't force myself to write. That is usually the predicament I find myself in whenever I sit down and try to write an entry for this. I decided to write today's entry because I feel that need to write.

Sometimes I can't help but think that life is just a test to see how long you can go without offing yourself. Really. I know that's a horribly pessimistic view of life, but I've been pretty down in the dumps lately. The weather's not helping. It's rainy, dark and just overall gloomy. I know there is so much beauty in this world, but some days it seems the ugly outweighs the beautiful.

Maybe I'm not looking hard enough or I choose not to see the beauty over the ugliness.

I'm just over the halfway point for this entry. I wanted this to be a project to get my creative juices flowing. It did at some point, but a lot of the time it was just frustrating. I do not get my thoughts down on paper in ways that I want a lot of the time.

A lot has changed since I last wrote a post. I think I'm more comfortable with who I am. I found out things about people. Said things made me re-think my friendships. I admitted things that made a friendship stronger; or at least I think it did.

I think I'm realizing a lot of people don't really belong in my life. Then there are the people that still continue to bug you even if they're out of your life. You see their picture and you just scoff. She can do whatever. She's just always bothered me.

October 3, 2009

You look at me as if you want me to never forget your eyes. You want me to memorize. The worlds you never let anyone else see. The unshed tears. The hidden glares. Every single little thing.

I don't understand why you'd give me such a daunting task...

You are a shell with no soul and I feel sorry for you.

"It has absolutely nothing to do with you." "But I want it to have something to do with me."

You have no business here, nor have you ever.

You go back to where you don't belong. Get out. Get out. You're eating away at the locks that keep my secrets. You're hoping you'll get in. To tell you the truth, you were pretty damn close.

I never ask you to give. You just do. So, why do you want to force stuff out of me? I'm uncomfortable and have trust issues. Combined, those two things result in you not getting anything out of me, and me getting annoyed. I gladly share when it's something that I'm comfortable with. I may be close with you, but I have a lot of stuff I keep inside. If you can't deal, then leave.

I'm in pain and everyone's singing along. I love how awful this is.

I'm so sick of this pressure you're putting me under. I feel like the only way you'll stick around is if I put-out. Why can't people ever be satisfied with what I give them. They should know how hard it is for me to actually trust people. They don't know the whole story. That's why. They have these preconceived notions.

Just stop.

October 2, 2009

University definitely changes things. As much as I love to change things up, there are those aspects of your life that you wish would stay the way they are forever. Life does not permit this to happen all the time. I envy the stories that tell of friends who have known each other for so long, saying that their relationship never changed, that they we always close. It's hard for me to have friendships like this. I don't have best friends. I've talked about this before. I have major trust issues. I can't just let out information to others like a lot of people seem to be able to do.

I'm eighteen and I feel like I haven't had a lot of close friends; one that know me inside out. I can count them on one hand and I'm even iffy about some of those ones.

I guess I am to blame for the lack of interaction with others. I have a very interpersonal personality. On all these personality tests I've scored INFP, which is one of the lower percentages of personality types. I'm super seclusive. Awkward in social settings. Enjoy my independence. Like my alone time profusely. The tortured poets, artists and indie kids usually fall in this category. Heh.

I was never a social butterfly. I was the kids that cried when they said goodbye to their mom before school began. It's funny how I like being alone, yet long for that someone who I can relate to on a certain level. Companionship is just part of human nature, so I shouldn't be surprised. I hope I find this someone soon. Real soon.

October 1, 2009

I really do hate being sick. I had to write up two papers for uni while I felt utterly atrocious. It was hard enough to sit through two, two hour lectures while constantly having to blow your nose or sniffling. I took the packed bus home and opened the door. I basically burst through the door, threw my bag on the floor, went into the kitchen and cried. Yeah, it was that bad. My head was throbbing and I was starting to freak out because I couldn't breathe properly due to my nasal blockage. I guess it was the stress and sickness combined.

I hate being on meds. I hate not being to breathe properly. A tissue is always somewhere near my nose. My nose is getting all irritated and red from the amount of time I've held a tissue up against it. I believe it is a head cold though. The rest of my body feel fine; it's jsut my nose and throat that are bothering me.

Today was suppose to be YoutTube cover day. Scott was supposed to come over and work on some songs. Today would have been perfect too, but noooo, I just had to be sick. So, I'm pretty bummed about how everything turned out. I'm just glad this isn't the swine flu or anything like that.

So, here I am. Stuck in front of the computer because I do not feel up to anything else. Tomorrow I have to finish off notes and continue studies for the psych test on Monday. Next week has to be dedicated to leisure. Too much work will make you an angry person.

September 30, 2009

It beat in a proper rhythm, but sometimes it's off a beat and that's when it really sink in. This is how my heart behaves. It's not constant. I'd say anything else would be more reliable, but that's a lie. Maybe it's jsut because of how I feel today. I'm not in the greatest of moods, my throat is sore and it's a very dreary and cold day. So, back to this heart business.

This is al really mind vomit. I'm trying to write without really thinking about what it is I'm trying to write. A television show I want to watch is almost on and I need to rush this, so it will be more incoherent of a post.

I try to hard to get my feelings out on paper and onyl end up making myself more confused. It never comes out right. I need to have that one entry on paper, or anywhere and feel satisfied with it. I need to know that I have said something profound. I see other psots on various blogs and listen to lyrics of songs and wonder how somebody could have thought to write those exact words. They're genius and everything I wanted to say, but couldn't. I guess I'm just thinking too hard. They say it just comes, that you shouldn't force it, so I'm not. It will come to me when it wants to. Nwo I sounds crazy right? Talking about the coming of words? Oh well, I was never the one to be considered normal anyways. I have no qualms about being my awkward self. This will probably make no sense. Crap.

September 29, 2009

"You look like you've lost weight," she says as I pull the sweater over my head.

Yeah, I'm skinny. It's not like it's new news to anyone that has known me for a while I've never been overweight and I never plan to be. I have been slim since I was little, so who those who think I have eating problems or whatever, go look at my childhood pictures. I'm conscious of what I eat, but not to the extent where I actually care that much. I don't see the point in being overweight if I can help it. Why would I want to cause myself more discomfort than I already have.

People come in different shapes and sizes. Everyone knows that nobody is exactly the same. Tell, short, skinny, fat, whatever. You don't have to be a genius to know that people are judged by the way they looked and are given priority because of it. We see it everyday. We have all gotten jealous over your latest crush ogling over eye candy. I really don't know why I'm talking about this. I looked in the mirror and remembered something that my sister said to me when she came back from vacation.

People say that I'm lucky and yeah, in some sort of ways I am, but I'm just me. I really wish people would stop commenting on it some days. Maybe I'm ungrateful and I probably am. I'm not having a great day.

So, to all those people who are complaining about their weight. You are you. People can take you for what you are or judge you. Who cares.

September 28, 2009

When the people you know act like dominoes, just let them fall and hit each other. News and opinions are passed on and it creates this whole chain of misunderstanding. Yeah, we all go along with the reaction, but I like being the stubborn one that doesn't fall. Does this make sense? I guess not. It was just an image I got in my head. We have a bit too many people who are those that just keep on falling; they go along with everything just because.

Dare to be different people.

So, today I was on the bus and I was wearing DocMartens and a flannel shirt. There was this filipina that kept on staring at me; she was one of those typical socialites that I truly despise. I'm so happy my family isn't the typical filipino family. We don't use ate or kuya or whatever terms there are used for respect. So, anyways, they girl kept staring and I gave her this 'what in the world are you looking at' look. Yeah, I get it, I look different, but I'm not some animal at the zoo. Sure, look a couple of times, but don't stare at me for a good minute or two. It's uncomfortable. I know I give off a strong front and combined with my DMs I probably looked like I was ready to kick someone's ass. Maybe it's because she thought I was a dude? I do have short hair. Whatever, I just don't like being started at for long periods of time by random people. It's because of my whole problem with attention. It's awkward.

September 27, 2009

So, I'm definitely getting comfortable. It's not good at all. Maybe it's because it's all working out too well. Well, as of a couple of moments ago, I get it. It's not who I am. I have said this time and time again, but I'm not the stereotypical teenager. I am not one for partying. I can sit down at a coffee shop, sketch and observe people and be totally content. Yeah, I guess you could say I'm pretty anti-social and boring, but it's who I am. I don't mind meeting people, but I like my alone time more. I have yet to meet anyone that makes me feel otherwise. Sure, life has it's moments when it's better with other people and there are times when having someone else there with you makes it better because you know it's really when both of you experience it, but whatever. I find people just make things complicated, but what IS life without other people? Nothing. That's why it's so confusing for me. I love to be alone, but I have got to find myself a core group of people I know I'll never get sick of, or at least that core person. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and acquaintances, but I always feel that something is missing. Maybe this is not the place or time for it to happen yet. I get that. I know it will happen when it is supposed to. I wish I had a lot money, so I could move after I get my degree. I'd be gone as soon as possible, and love it.

September 26, 2009

I can be sitting on a chair and an epiphany will drop down. 'Why am I here?' is my main question. That girl that just walked in, wants a hug and I think she's crazy, but whatever. This inner monologue going through my head is making me go crazy, but it's my true thoughts. Throughout the night the dialogue gets louder and louder and again I find myself asking why the hell I am here. I don't like drinking, this is not my scene. I am a home-body who likes their personal space and is basically anti-social. Yeah, it's pretty much crazy how much I like my alone time. It's weird because I want to be a psychologist or social worker. How funny is that? Though the thing is, I really like talking people through problems, or having people talk to me and me giving them advice. It's highly amusing and I can definitely see myself doing it. I deal with people's problems because I'm not into drama. I can figure it out, but I stay away from it myself. I really enjoy my books and analyzing.

It is funny seeing people drunk though.

Experiment, you only get one chance. Keep that in mind though. You only get one chance.

Let people do whatever they want. Let them go crazy. One time or another they'll look back and smile or look back and frown. It's life. Let it happen.

I can only my thing and let them do theirs. If they ask for an opinion I'm there, but I'm not going to tell them what to do unless vital.

September 15, 2009

So, today's picture is of me holding my electric guitar. I have not learned how to shred yet. Again, no time. There are so many things I want to do, but so little time. I am already eighteen, that's almost twenty. It's crazy. I loved being a kid. I feel so unaccomplished for my age. People say I am so young still and have a lot of time to do the things I want. I feel like life is slipping away. I do not feel like I have time to do everything I want. Think about it. I am going to be in school for a long time. After that I will hopefully have a job as a psychiatrist. I will be, what? Thirty something by them. Oh my goodness. My prime years will have passed. I am starting my 'prime' years now. Once I pass twenty five, I have to start settling down. I feel like I was meant for the arts. I have so much determination and drive in my artistic works that I take seriously. I take pride in them. I am not good enough to live off it though, of course not, not with that attitude. Actually, I think I pretty good. If I put my mind to it. A lot of people will read this and think, what in the world is she doing this for, I really do notk now, Now i am off topic and rambling. Oh well, this entry is almsot over and then I can move on. Just breathe.

September 14, 2009

Today's picture is of me sitting in the car, waiting for my brother to pay for gas. Again, another picture where it does not correspond with something important that happened that day. though it does remind me of something that happened a couple of days ago. i went to the gas station with my brother and sister and there was this guy that was claiming me was deaf and that he needed money for his children. i have seen thing being done time and time again. i know the person may actually be deaf, but with the way things are in these times, you never know what people will do to get money. there is a lady who does a similar thing in the eaton centre's food court. i never give them money. it is not that i do not feel sorry for them, but i never know if they are telling the truth. they should be ashamed if they are actually being fraudulent; using pity to manipulate people. oh, that brings in another thing about pity. salvation army. they always have people with disabilities who man the donation bins. they make you feel bad on purpose. it is really horrible. people should give because they want to and i do, but not because the salvation army is using types of people as a pity trip. it really bugs me. plus, salvation army does not support gay people, so i have some sort of grudge against the actual company. some charities are so corrupt, it's really sad.

September 13, 2009

Okay, so today's picture is of me on my bed. Hah. See, that's the bad thing about me. I get lazy and take pictures that have no significance of the particular day. The day before showcased a highlight of my day and it brings back distinct memories, but me lying on my bell does not connect to a specific memory, really. Next year I do not think I will make my three hundred sixty five project a self portrait one. I think I should just take a picture a day. My appearance and myself do not necessarily relate to my day as a whole. sometimes it is a simple object. plus, i am actually pretty tired of posing for the camera. sure, it has taught me which angles I look best at, but it really is a nuisance sometimes. plus, i think by taking pictures everyday of something other than myself will help me find beauty in the simple thing. it's not that i do not do that already, but it will give me more time to do so, especially if i am taking a picture of it. i got experience with portraits from this year and last year, so next year will be practice for photography in general. yeah, sounds pretty good. plus, i really do not like seeing my face everyday. it gets annoying and i feel like i am so vain sometimes. i mean, come on, taking a picture of yourself for every day of the year? that is pretty darn vain, right?

September 12, 2009

Geeze, what was happening on September twelfth. I really do not know. I know that I was in school, but that is it really. Let me check my shuttercal -- oh, okay. My picture is of me and my four polaroids I got when we went out to celebrate mom and mike's birthday. That was a really fun day. All the polaroids I got were in wonderful condition. I got one that uses sx-70 film, but that film is super expensive. Oh, while on the subject of film. A few days ago I realized my polaroid film mich got me was expired. I put it in the fridge, so I hope it is not too bad. we'll see how the polaroids come out for christmas. I still have nine shots to go through in my original polaroid camera. I got the four cameras at value village. man, I love thrift shops. They cost me about 20 dollars. it was totally awesome. I was freaking out. They had just came in the day before, so I was lucky to have come across them. it's funny. i have all these cameras, but never use them. i need to be in a sort of mood to shoot pictures and i have not felt that feeling in a while. maybe it is because i am busy all the time. plus, i have not been truly inspired in a while. i have these bursts of creative energy, but they never last long enough. i need to get in the groove again.

September 11, 2009

Hm. What a day to start my catchup on. So, today I have set the whole day aside so I could catchup on all these missing entries. I will definitely have to write more than five thousand words. I can just ramble on about nothingness really. I think that's what I am going to do. also, no contractions either. I really do not know what to say right now. It is ten days into my break and all I have done is rest. That is not bad, but I feel as if I have not accomplished much, which is true. Bleep. Bloop. Blap. Yup, I am just going to write nonsensical things. It is not like anybody will be reading this. The only reason why I am catching up on this, is because it was something I wanted to do for the new year, like my three hundred sixty five project. That worked out well because it has become habit. I could not keep up with this because it was not. It is also a lot of work. Some days you do no even feel like writing. I just got bored of it, but I am determined to be on track. I will be on track by the end of the day. I really do hope so. It will make me feel somewhat accomplished. So, what have I done in the past couple months? Well, over these next entries you will find out. It will not correspond with the day though. A jumbled mess.

September 10, 2009

You know how they always tell you that you shouldn't be afraid of being who you are? Well, I can't help, but be afraid of being who I am. It's not like it's a crime, but it may as well be in my religion. I refuse to believe that God hates anyone; a testament to all those who hold up such hateful signs. I don't get what's logically wrong with it either.

And if this God truly believes this than he is not a God I want to believe in.

I know I'm always vague about posts like this, but I'm not exactly comfortable in being who I am yet, as stated above, thanks to the environment I've been brought up in. My parents are wonderful, but they're a bit close-minded and conservative.

I know I have to talk about it at some time or another and it has to be soon. It hurts to hold everything in. I personally think i shouldn't even be ashamed of it. I know I shouldn't. I think I've missed out on so much by being insecure about who I am and that's a shame.

It's why I choose to put myself in environments where creativity is encouraged because the people are generally more accepting. I wanted to go to an arts-centred school, but didn't even try out. It's something that I really regret. I ended up in the same Catholic high school my siblings went to. A teen's creative outlet is not really focused on there.

September 9, 2009

I was going to do another entry after this in attempts to catch up, but I lost my will. It will probably come back tomorrow, but I have a bunch of work to do tomorrow. I still think that I am slacking a bit. I really need to get myself in order. I think that's what I need to do. Once I have everything set in place. I should be okay.

I like getting ready for school. I like going school supply shopping. It's therapeutic. I have certain tastes though. I think everyone does. Everyone has that one pen or pencil that they cannot live without. I went to check if a store had these pens that I loved, but they seemed to have run out of the bulk pack. Once I use the ones I've bought, I'll check again. If anything I might even check before I run out, just because I like them that much. I love writing in new notebooks too, it's refreshing? I do not know if that is the right word, but whatever. I am sleepy. Tomorrow I have to transfer notes, make notes, read a lot, print out stuff and organize myself. Also, a little clean-up for my room is probably called for. it's getting messy again. When it is clean I cna find things easier and not have a panic attack.

Yes, I am blabbing, but I am almost at the end of this entry and I want to hit the sack. Eyes. Getting. Heavy.

September 8, 2009

So, today was the first day of university. It was how I expected. Yes, I am upset that I did not go away for uni, but whatever. I still get to see my family, I spend less money and I still go to a pretty good school. I like having my independence. That's one of the things I love most. I like knowing what and when I have to do things throughout the year. Teachers don't hound on you because they do not care. People are always on the grass, under trees reading their books and eating their lunch. It's really chill -- apart from the work load of course. I have never read so much in my life. I love it. I like reading. It builds up my vocabulary and it's interesting. I have always liked English. Psychology seems very interesting as well. I have two English courses, psychology, Latin and philosophy. The ony course I'm iffy about is philosophy, but I think it will help me go through thought processes better and build my communication skills. Latin is very cool. I have always had an interest in Latin. It helps that I took French. Overall it seems bearable. I am still hoping to transfer to the downtown campus for next year though. I need to get out of here. It may be a longer commute, but it's worth it. I could probably find a cheap apartment to share with other students though. That would be amazing. I love being downtown.

September 7, 2009

I really want a film SLR, a DSLR and a film TLR. There are other things too. Let's list the material things I want. This will be fun. So, I already listed three. Let's go! I want:

An old typewriter, a portable and old record player, a large amount of books, a bigger house, actually -- my own loft, ikea furnishing....

Okay screw it. I'm going to talk about one of my many dream houses.

It would be a loft in Bristol, England. Ikea furnished. Brick walls and high ceiling and large windows. My coffee machine would have a set time when it would brew coffee. I would have an iMac and my Macbook Pro. I would have a music room with countless instruments and sound-proof walls. I would turn a room into a dark room and another room would be dedicated to my camera collection. I would have an office with shelves filled with books, CDs, vinyl and such. An old record player would be in the corner. The kitchen and living room would be one big open space. Kitchen in the corner. I want my loft to be spacious. My bedroom would be in the top right corner. I would have a walk-in closet, a locker-ish shelf in the corner, a safe in the closet and a queen low-rise bed. My bathroom would have a tub and a shower. The water in the shower would come from a ceiling spout, not a knob thingy.

I love dreaming up possibilities.

September 6, 2009

Right now I am extremely sleepy, but I must catch up a bit with my journal. This journal. I was so excited to do this at the beginning of the year. I still am, but life moves along.

Being in university and trying to embrace the last days of summer takes up the majority of your time. You are trying to prepare yourself for a new environment and at the same time you are saying goodbye to people you do not want to say goodbye to.

That is basically why I did not keep up with this during the end of August and all of September. It is a real pain in the butt to have to catch up, but I feel obliged to do it. I hate not finishing things I have started. It leaves me with a sinking feeling. I do not like when that happens.

So here I am trying to fill the lines so I can move on to the next date that I missed regretfully. I am trying to say things that are relevant, but I really want to get to the end, so I can start writing about stuff when it actually happens.

I think today was the bonfire I had before everyone left. It was so much fun. It was a good way to end the summer. Summer came slowly, dragged on and then flew by. That's what always happens when you do not want something to end. It just comes faster.

September 5, 2009

Why do I care so much about the arts? I have gotten that question a couple of times.

Yes, the maths and sciences are a tremendously important part of our lives. That is definitely something I cannot deny -- but I think the arts are VITAL.

It scares me to think about what the world would be like without it. I think the world would be a terrible place. I actually cannot picture the world without it. How would we express ourselves fully? By chanting out numbers and such? Binary code? How much fun...

I definitely think of myself as more of an artsy person than math and science. I love what are is capable of doing. It goes beyond language barriers and such.

I see fashion as art too. I'm sure most people would. I care about how I look like, but not to the point where I'm freaking out about buying a new outfit for such-and-such occasion. I like clothes. I like buying them and wearing them. There's a challenge in putting an outfit together. I slip things on most of the time. I'm certainly a jeans and t-shirt kind of gal.

I find the fashion industry exciting. I follow the runways, fashion blogs and magazines -- not religiously. It's really interesting. Though I don't want to be trendy or fashionable. I feel like 'stylish' is more of a word that I aim for. There's that flare and originality I must have, or I feel out of place.

September 4, 2009

I just saw a picture of Sydney, Australia and I wanted to badly to delve into that picture. I really want to get out of here. I know I have written about them a countless amount of times. It just shows the extremity of the situation and desire. Out. Out. Out.

Maybe this desire to get away has to do with that ache I have in me. I can't explain it on here, but it's there. I want to get away in order to compensate for something else. That makes no sense to anyone, but me does it not?

Anyways. That picture. It was a whole new area for me to discover. I need something new. I am so bored where I am. The first I will do if I win a large sum of money is travel. No electronics or clothes. I want to see new sights -- okay and maybe shop there too. What can I do, I love shopping. Money equal new items. So bad. I really am trying to be better. I am not a shop-a-holic though -- I swear.

I feel like I am running out of time. No joke. People always tell me I have all the time in the world to do things, but I can't help but think that the clock's ticking seems to have sped up. It is probably because I am thinking about it more often.

I just want to escape everything. Just pack up and go. Far away.

September 3, 2009

I dislike when people contradict themselves. They say one thing so confidently, yet they themselves are culprits as well. They talk all 'high and mighty' yet they do not really understand what is coming out of their mouths to the fullest extent. Sure, we've all done this, but I like pointing this out when people are trying to feud with me.

It gets me all riled up and by then I do not want to speak to whomever I am arguing with. It's just tiring trying to explain something to someone who is so stubborn. It does not matter what you say to them, they stick to whatever they think even if they are blatantly wrong. There is no point, so I just walk away. Yes, this may seem a tad cowardice, but if it helps me get away, let people think what they like. It gives me a headache by just listening to them.

I put in my earphones and walk. Just walk. To a park or to wherever really, I just feel the need to get away from everything, not just them. They make my day that much worse by being in existence.

If you are of acquaintance of them and they know little peeves of your, they use that to their advantage as well. They do it continuously until it drives you mad. They think they've won, but they have just displayed how annoying they truly are.

Sorry, something just set me off.

September 2, 2009

At this moment in time:

I'm calm. School starts in a couple of days and I'm excited. I know it will take me a while to get used to, but I’ll get there; to that place where I'm comfortable. I’m amazed at how calm I am about this whole situation, really. I would normally be freaking out. Maybe I know that university's going to be just a big high school? Maybe I am starting to care less and less about what others think of me, which is really good. I’m actually really glad that summer is ending. I’m growing super tired of summer and everything it has to over, or really, the lack of. It was a very lazy summer. I needed the rest though. The last year of high school really tired me out. Mentally and physically. I know I didn’t do my best, but I can’t do anything with that now. The cards have been dealt and now I have to live with what has been given to me. I know this is all my problem. I said I wanted to go somewhere far, but I slacked and now I’m stuck at home. Living somewhere for seventeen years is not healthy at all. Once I’m done school I want to work my ass off. When I get enough money I’ll move out of the country. I want to do this by the time I’m twenty-five, but life throw curve balls, things will change.

September 1, 2009

...I just need to force it. Tell myself to screw everything and just do it. Close friends are moving away or going to different schools. I feel like we’re all growing up so fast. In another eighteen years we’ll be thirty-six. That’s almost forty. That’s crazy. Eighteen years went by incredibly fast. Life goes by to fast. I get why they tell you to savour it. I just need to live. Do what is best for myself, do what I want and just live. I want to travel. I want to see everything I want to see and not regret.

I don’t know why this happens to me -- guys that do not like seem to end up liking me. I’m way more comfortable with guys than I am with girls. Sure, it’s nice to have girl friends, but I only have a few. With guys there’s not much drama, but that is until they start liking you. It just gets weird then. You have this guy that you are comfortable with and then all of that is gone when he says he likes you. That’s how it goes most of the time when people admit their feelings. It is always like that that isn’t it? Unless the feelings are returned of course.

I'll end this rant on a whole right now and just continue with normal posts. I'm still behind, but I'll catch up. I just need to focus and things will work out.

August 31, 2009

...I think all of this bad luck lately is from karma getting back at the bad things I’ve done. Yes, this is for the mall-rating incident. I gave it, I deserve it. I really need to watch it.

I can’t hang out with girls. They all end up making me crazy in one way or another. I get sick of guys too because, well, they’re guys.

You know why I can’t trust? People really do screw you over and mess up the opportunity for everyone else. When you let people in, they fuck you up. Such a pessimistic view, right? Well, it will stay this way until someone proves me wrong and makes me comfortable enough for me to be myself around them. It has yet to happen fully. I always sense an ulterior motive because we all know we have different lives. Public, private and secret ones. It’s just how it is. Nobody is so open that everyone knows him or her fully. You can’t have an open book that ruins the ending. It ruins it. I guess that’s why. That is a really weird analogy, but so be it. People are complicated anyways.

I have calmed down a lot. This whole university deal is really sinking in fast. I guess that happens once it’s right around the corner. I start school in three days. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m going to try and be more out there...

August 30, 2009

...I think you’re really insecure. I think I’m emotionally unstable. In order to pursue the occupation I want I need to figure myself out first.

You know when people are really bad at hiding things? It makes it worse. If you’re a shitty liar don’t lie to me. Just get me upset instead of making a worse impression. A pause in your voice says so much. You can tell you’re trying to make something up, you have someone near you trying to give you that ‘don’t say anything’ look or you have something mouthing words to you.

Feeling change so quickly, that’s why it’s so fucked up. You could be so close with someone and one little choice they make screws everything up. One fucking gesture or word can end something that has lasted so much longer. Why the hell do people do it? Lie to your face. You’re afraid of hurting other people? Just tell them. Goodness me. Right now I bet you’re trying to figure out more things about people. You love to be in the loop, don’t you?

How much do you want to bet that this is all because of miscommunication?

I am just tired – so incredibly sick and tired of people around me. As soon as I am financially stable. I’m out. I’ll finish school and move. I swear the only thing stopping me from going is money. I would have been gone a long time ago...

August 29, 2009

...I can deal with that.

This sets me back in the relationship department. I say I want to be in a relationship. I need to find that someone that I need to open myself up too. Haven’t found that yet, which is understandable with my social condition. I need someone who I will not get tired of telling stuff too.

Enough talk about that. I will say more about that in a couple hundred of words.

Back to this feeling I feel right now. Is it safe to say that I feel hurt? Yeah, that’s it. I feel hurt. After all this time, my mind still thinks one thing. You got close, you are somehow are not living up to what you should entail.

When someone you know takes that leap to jump ahead even if it means stepping over someone else, it makes me angry. You are finally where you want to be. Was it worth it?

I feel like you’re doing this on purpose. You say you don’t like the spotlight, but everything you’ve done has only led you exactly there. Maybe it’s because you know w have a past? I really think you’re trying to rub something in. of course if I say anything, I’m pronounced paranoid because nothing’s between us anymore.

You’re smart. You are in a win-win situation. Smart. Whatever. If those are your intentions, karma will deal with it eventually. You get what you give...

August 28, 2009

...care what you think. I am never what you say I am. I hate how fast I get sick of people. I just have a general dislike of people. People bother me. Including myself. I like being detached from people. Don’t force me to hang out with you often. Don’t ask me if I’m okay when I am clearly not. It makes me feel worse. Don’t chase me. For goodness sakes please don’t do that. If I walk away from you, it’s probably within good reason, so let me walk. I walk because I’m fed up and angry. If you follow me, you are sure to get a scowl. I should stop writing about these things because it is making me angry.

It does not help when I talk about good things, so I won’t even bother to.

Why am I so angry today? I have asked my parents countless times for a psychologist. I think it would be really helpful because I always feel like I’m being judged, so I’d prefer a total stranger to listen to my ‘problems’. I can’t open up to people I know. I can tell a stranger more about me in an hour than I can to someone I know. Odd right? It’s just how I work. I’m complex. This goes with me trust issues. I don’t let people get close, as I mentioned before. So it keeps me from getting close from people...

August 27, 2009

...goodness. Makes me angry. I actually told my cousin I would crash his civies day to tell the dude off. Ugh. Horrible. He thinks MGMT is the most indie band out there and -- omg, I really can’t say anymore about him. I want to meet him one day so I can put him straight. Jeebus. I swear guys wouldn’t touch skinny jeans before because there was a girly connotation that came along with wearing them. Bring in Kanye West and Chris Brown, celebrities. Who wear them, and all of them are wear Levis skinny jeans. Lovely. I love how the style and lifestyle of those excluded is now being seen throughout mainstream culture. I love how people act as if it was not weird before. If it’s in style that doesn’t really matter, right? WRONG!

I’m only halfway through this rant and I’m really tired. This is why I should not let things build up. It is so hard to catch up on everything. It’s nice to rant on everything, but again, too much to catch up on.

I’m angry while writing this. I honestly get worked up over the stupidest things. Who cares if the people I have gotten close to piss me off? People usually piss me off. I really don’t even know why I am mad.

Let’s list things that piss me off. I don’t like it when people try to label me. I don’t care...

August 26, 2009

...and what not all the time. I like reading up on fashion. I can pop up randomly and tell your things about so-and-so’s collection or trends for the next season. I just find that information really interesting. Talking like this while bashing trendy people gives others a horrible perspective of you. I say I don’t like trends and hate posers, but here I am telling you what I saw on McQueen’s runway. How horrible. It just worked out that way. Truth be told, I like wearing things that are in a lot of the time. I just don’t go overboard. Yeah, I’ll put it that way. I wear trendy clothes, but don’t max out on the trendiness of things. I like being my own person way more than being a walking billboard for today’s latest fads. They are those people who make me really uncomfortable and sick; those who jump in and divulge in the trends. There’s this one kid who my cousin knows that reminds me of this. I saw picture of him before. What a 360 he did. Actually a lot of guys did this, this year; all of them almost, especially those in the upper level of high school hierarchy. He started wearing all this HandM and Urban Outfitters and called out my cousin for wearing a messenger bag saying that he was proud that my cousin learned something from him. What an ass. Oh...

August 25, 2009

...age, I’m hurt. Now, this totally sounds like a ‘I was here first – don’t mess’ kind of post.

I am sad that I bought Mac in a year where it is gaining so many buyers. I would have bought a Mac years ago, had I had the money to do so. Money was always and is the issue. I never had enough. Have you noticed the influx of wannabe photographers as well? I should be happy, but I’m slightly disappointed? I feel bad for saying this. With the introduction of Urban Outfitters and the popularity of skinny jeans (believe me, it has done a lot) the indie culture is now cool. This bugs me. I know I sound horrible and whiny for saying this, but I don’t care. The basket-case scene, that was so uncool a while ago, is now all the rage. It makes me enraged.

I got onto flickr with and am bombarded by local teens that have high-end camera, but don’t know w how to use them. You know how much this kills me? They have such a nice camera, but their idea of good photography deal with oversaturated pictures with tons of noise. Yup, I definitely sound whiny. I don’t care. I’m angry. All you followers will soon get bored and move onto the next thing. Gah.

I must sound so contradictory to those who know me. I talk about what is in...

August 24, 2009

...shocked and laugh. I could have said changed my fashion sense, but everything grows from something. I grew. I wish someone introduced photography earlier to me. I want so concentrated on school. I was obsessed with work. I honestly didn’t go out; still don’t really. I’m such a homebody and I don’t mind. I see these young photographers and beat myself over not starting that early. I wish I had started so many things earlier in my life. C’est la vie. I can only move forward though I can’t move back. It’s not possible. I know I need to just go for things, but I can’t seem to break out. I don’t know what I need to do it, but I need to find that something that will make it happen.

Relying on people. I hate relying on other people. I hate being dependant on someone. I guess part of this view comes from my childhood. I was extremely independent as a child – I still am – I’ve said it before. I taught myself many things.

This part will make me sound like a brat if the rest of the post hasn’t already. Has anyone notice the influx of Mac users and photographers and generic hipsters there’s been this season? Holy shit! It is driving me nuts! I know I am nothing special, but as someone who decided to find underground and indie stuff at a young...

August 23, 2009

...is saying hello to the rest of my life.

Now. There seems to be a part of the truth that you are excluding. Technically that would make the truth a lie. You are to tell me the whole thing. Tell me the bad, the good and the ugly. I don’t care if I start to cry. Let me get hurt. I need it to learn. I need to take a step forward. Don’t be greedy and keep everything to yourself. Give somebody the benefit of the doubt. Fuck your doubts and stop being so greedy.

Let’s remember some stuff from when I was little. About six years ago, my brother bought The All-American Reject’s first self-titled album. It was the first album that I could listen to straight through. I knew the lyrics to all of the song and I am pretty sure I know most of them now. It was such a relevant album. I used to wake up really early before school started to take showers. – I still do – and I would listen to that album. I would sing it at the top of my lungs. It was awesome.

What would I have done if I went back to when I was in elementary? I would have liked to go to guitar, vocal, piano and dance lessons. Everything was pretty good in elementary. Actually, if you saw me in elementary, you would be...

August 22, 2009

...I am eighteen. It’s been what -- four plus years since my last relationship? It was mediocre really. It was my first and only ‘relationship’. It’s not that I don’t want to be in another on – I do. I haven’t found anybody that I want to spend that much time with. I like my alone time and my personal space, but I wouldn’t mind if someone changed that routine. My thoughts of relationships vary. Maybe my brother’s right, I don’t open up enough. I think you don’t look for love, it finds you. It’s cheesy, but wanting it so bad will probably scare it away.

I’m starting to get too comfortable again. I feel like things are starting to set and my mind’s telling me to find something new. Though now I think it’s my body’s defense mechanisms telling me to get away before someone can get in.

Update: Yeah, I definitely think I need to move on a bit. I get tired of things really easily. Truly.

It will be better to cut you out of my life now. I feel like I am as close as I can get without feeling like I cannot go back. As we speak my inbox is being emptied and I am taking a big deep breath in. I am so happy that I am beginning something that should have started so long ago. Saying goodbye to you...

August 21, 2009

...not really downtown, but I didn’t want to tell them anything about the store) without giving the name away. A guy then puts his arm around my shoulder in that buddy-buddy sort of way when we’re away from everyone and says, “We’re totally going to go downtown and shop there right?” Ass. What makes you think you’re special? Douche. I seriously don’t know why I deal with guys sometimes. Gosh.

Love. When I say I love you I mean it in different ways; different forms. I can say ‘I love you’ to a friend. I can say ‘I love you’ to family. I can say ‘I love you’ in a relationship. They all have some sort of affinity attached to them, but each ‘I love you’ is distinct. In the friend sense, it’s purely that -- friendly sort of love. A love that means trust, honesty, patience and everything else that a good friend should offer. Love, in the family sense, is embedded in your blood.

I have yet to say ‘I love you’ in the relationship context and mean it. I’ve said it. I didn’t mean it. It’s a horrible thing, to say ‘I love you’ to someone and not mean it. I hate that I did it. I was so naïve back then. I feel really bad whenever I think about it. I cared about them, but I did not love them...

August 20, 2009

...what it is. I don’t care what you think. When I hear about drama that other people have I like to roll my eyes and say to myself, “Do you really find this problematic? You’re sad.”

Another thing -- my drive to be different from other people. I find conventionality horrible. I know I’m not necessarily one of a kind, but I like to think I’m different from the crowd, at least I hope so. When you don’t know me well enough and hear me complain about how so-and-so is a biter or such, you’ll wonder why I am so whiny. People just don’t get it until it happens to them full force. When someone starts to imitate me, it’s the most annoying shit ever. Whoever said imitation is the fondest form of flattery must have been on drugs. Imitation is an invite to being ploughed with my stank face and whines. Please go find yourself and stop trying to see yourself in someone else’s life. Fuck. Thank you.

Guys who are totally obvious, yet think they are being sly -- actually people who do this in general. For fucks sake stop being so obvious. AHHHHHHH. Stop beating around the bush and tell me what the fuck you want!

People who think they are special. So I’m telling this group of people about how I get my t-shirts at some underground store ‘downtown’’ (it’s...

August 19, 2009

So this is my catch-up post. This post was not really written on this day, but whatever.

Today I was telling my brother about how I think my friendships would be like in the future with my current friends. I won’t go into detail about that though. My brother says the way I ‘plan’ things is wrong. I’m not saying I’m right, but it’s what I do. I burn bridges before they’re made without other knowing.

“You don’t let people get close to you because you don’t want to get hurt. That’s wrong. You need to let people in.”

I have major trust issues. Major. There’s only one person who knows next to everything about me and I can’t even rely on him all the time because he’s not 100% reliable. Sad to say, but he isn’t. Sometimes I feel he only talks to me when he needs advice from me. I love giving people advice, but don’t keep me close only because of that. He’s just too immature for me. I feel like I grew up fast, but not in the sense of what adults do, but in the way they think.

I may have my teenage outburst over the silly thing once in a while, but not as often as your everyday teen. I know it sounds like I’m trying to boats about myself, but I’m not. It is...

August 18, 2009

I've been getting really into songwriting now, which is good. I guess the problem with me before was getting too complex. I didn't let the thoughts come out because I wanted to add too much too them. Raw thought. That's what I need. Once I stopped thinking, the words started flowing.

It's like that a lot isn't it? When you force things out they don't come.

Like right now. I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to put in all these entries that I've missed. I am trying, so nothing's coming -- naturally, for me at least.

I really just want to start writing my other entries, but I can't without doing this. Right now I am thinking about what I will write three thousand five hundred and seventy words about. Well, I have missed enough day to be able to write that many word. Crap. I really should stop procrastinating on things like this because it is such a pain to catch up. It's not like a photo project where I would only have to take a bunch of picture, I have to write a ton of words and it's not even for school. I should really stop complaining though. I said I wanted to do this. I'll just feel bad if I don't finish this.

I just have to suck it up and think of things to say.

August 17, 2009

I've been asked a lot about my views on sexuality. I guess I've only told two people my views in person. If you ask me, I'll tell you, but usually people just assume things. So, I believe in sexual fluidity. I am a firm believer in 'never say never' and have said this before. When it comes to the matters of heart, you can't choose. You can push thoughts away and not indulge in your true wants, but that's living a lie. I'll state it simply. If I fall in love with a boy, okay, if I fall in love with a girl, so be it or if something else happens, alright. I don't see why others make it their business to wreak havoc and chastise people for loving who they love. Love is love people. It doesn't have eyes like we do. It is what it is.

I'm saying I like what I like. I'm not really into labels.

I'm open to whatever my heart tells me. It is always right anyways. It's my mind that always screws me over; things get complicated when it is really simple.

My heart always pulls a different way from my mind. I think I'm stupid for not going with the heart all the time. Opinions and such still bother me. It really shouldn't. I'm here for me and those I love.

August 16, 2009

Following up my 226 word post, let’s talk about change. The rest of the year is going to be filled with a lot of changes. I’m entering university. I’m saying goodbye to current friends and hello to new ones. I’m ready to leave people behind. Of course there’s a handful who I would like to keep in contact with. My brother says to prepare to lose contact with those who are close to me now. “It all changes.” I know that, but can’t I try? I can pick out three to five faces that I definitely want to keep in touch with. That doesn’t mean seeing them every chance I get, but it means keeping in contact, whether through e-mail or snail mail (definitely preferred – I like handwritten letters a lot) and meeting up once in a while for dinner, coffee or whatever. I am anticipating a new start excitedly. I need to surround myself with new people. Even if my school’s a bus ride away, it’s still something new and I like bus rides. There’s a summer exchange program. It’s expensive, but I really want to go. I’m keeping my fingers crossed. It’s in a country where I want to be and the course fits perfectly. There’s OSAP and a scholarship for students in the program. It would be different scenery. It would be what I need.

August 15, 2009

Weddings. I honestly was never the one to picture how mine would go. You knows those stories of little girls planning out everything they want? Yeah, not me. Sure, I can PICTURE it. I'm not exactly excited because I'm not one for huge celebrations. I have a feeling the excitement will come with the right person. I'll be excited when I finally want to spend forever with someone and as of now, that definitely has not happened yet. I went to a wedding tonight and I must say, I was generally full of smiles. It wasn't too big or too small. It was good. I don't want a big wedding. Yes, it is nice when all of your family is there, but I think it is even better when close family members and friends are just there. I want to look at the guest list and know exactly why that person is on there and not be like, "Oh, yeah. They're the daughter of that aunt who I am not close with." Maybe this mentality will change. As in the last post, a lot of things in this journal are hypothetical. I am a very fickle person. Things change a lot from day to day. One instance can change my outlook on anything. I guess that's how it is with a lot of things and people though.

August 14, 2009

My, my, my, how things do change. I am a very indecisive person. I have written about this before. Sometimes I don’t know whether I want to be sad or happy. Both are inspiring. Tears turn into pictures and words. Smiles say things that would never leave my mouth. Sometimes I don’t know whether I want to be single or in a relationship. You can be lonely with both. You can be happy with both. You can be distraught with both. My views change drastically as well. I can think one thing and then something will happen and my whole view will change. I guess that’s the beauty of things though. Everything is changing all the time. I am changing all the time. Change opens up new possibilities. Change gives way to new thought. What a mundane world this would be if there were no original thoughts. No new phrases to explain all the things you can’t; all those great lines that you keep in your head. You think, “If this is exactly how I felt why couldn’t I put it in such words?” I do not know how this has to deal with change. I went on a kind of tangent there. I do not expect you to get my ramblings. This is what was in my head and now I have spit it out.

August 13, 2009

Labels. You and I use them. Everybody uses them. I’m trying to stop when it is not necessary. Why label? It makes things easier, but who says easier is always better? People do things the easier way and we end up with listeria outbreaks and we end up with unwanted pregnancies. You get the point. Labels. Freak. Geek. Nerd. I am a self-proclaimed nerd. All the other labels are wrong, but they’ve still been slapped on me. People slap on labels when they know nothing about the other person. I know I’ve posted about this before, but that just shows how much it bothers me. Can you at least label me after you’ve had a conversation with me? Is it that hard to understand before you judge? I may be weird, but I am not a freak. I may care about school a little too much at times, but I am not a geek. People I know well call me these things once in a while, but there is usually a story behind it. I do not have a major issue with labels themselves, but more of when people give others labels when it’s not necessarily true and when they’re used in derogatory ways to make others feel bad. Sure, labels, they’re there, but let them be there with proper knowledge of what you’re labeling.

August 12, 2009

Back to dancing – I have been told I have a body made for dancing by a dance teacher. I’m tall, slim and flexible. “You could be a really good dancer, but it really depends on one thing. Work. Determination, practice, patience and such are all embodied in that word. That’s what it takes.” I will probably drag myself to a class sooner or later. It will happen one day. It has to. It may be in the next week, month or thirty years. Who knows? There are so many things I regret. I know I should live life to its limits, but you take things for grated a lot you know? You always think you’ll have time, but it time you’ll be like me, sitting on the couch late at night realizing that in another 18 years I will be 38. That is old. Life has gone by so fast. I swear I was five years old not long ago, playing around the house and just starting school. Now I am almost eighteen, finished high school and moving on to university. Soon I’ll be starting a career, falling in love and starting a family. I’m excited, but also sad that I’m losing my youth. I am going to try and keep my childish enthusiasm forever. I don’t want to get caught up in adulthood.

August 11, 2009

Continuing on from yesterday – I know I said I was too old to get started, but you’re never really too old to do anything. You may not do it to the ability you were capable of in younger years, but you can still do it. Sabra started when she was eighteen and she ended up winning the competition. She was amazing. When I was little my parents offered to let me take classes for something I was interested in. They wanted to enroll me into piano like my brother and sister, but I refused. I still regret not learning. It would have helped me musically. Anyways, I am the only child in the family who did not take any classes outside of school. My self-diagnosed social anxiety got to me. There are so many things I wish I experienced or had as a child. I was pretty sheltered. That definitely contributed to my interpersonal attitude. I was in tune with my feelings. I grew up to be me. I am the analytical observer who broods in dimly-lit rooms while re-reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower and listening to Death Cab for Cutie. I give off a ‘who gives a fuck’ attitude when I walk down the street though. By growing up as an observer, I grew up to be a semi-cynic. Continues –

August 10, 2009

Five years ago the first season of So You Think You Can Dance aired. I was undoubtedly hooked. I believe only my immediate family has been around when I have admitted to having an urge to learn how to dance. I was the kid who looked at themselves in the mirror as they danced around to some random tune in the washroom. It’s not quite a burning passion yet, but it definitely could get there. As each season went on, the more inspired I was and wanted to get my butt into the studio to take some classes. I see the contestants dance and it brings an instant smile to my face. I’m almost eighteen. Some of these people started when they were two or three. Travis, Kayla, and Katie are definitely in my top five favourite dances of all seasons and have been dancing since they were tiny. I hear things like that and then realize my body can’t adapt as quickly as it did when I was young. That should motivate me more right? I know I don’t look the type. Trust me, I know that. I like surprising people though. I just love the way dancers express themselves through their movements. It relies on music as well, something else I enjoy tremendously. I’ll continue this in the next post…

August 9, 2009

I can picture it. I can picture the whole thing. I will sit them down, an awkward silence with ensue and then all hell breaks loose. There will be screaming and condemnation. Tears, runny noses and harsh words. I may even be disowned. I’ve played the scenario in my head countless time. Each time it gets more intense; scarier.

I wonder if they mean it when they say they love me. When I admit to something they do not see eye to eye with, will it all just disappear? Will all these proclamations of compassion and never-ending love crumble with a simple confession? If that’s the case, was the love ever real? It’s supposed to be unconditional, right? They’re supposed to love me no matter what, right? Why am I speaking with such uncertainty about something that’s supposed to be unconditional? If I have such doubts, then it’s not possible, right? I should just be able to say this at the dinner table. There should be support and comfort, but why am I picturing all this – hate. I hate seeing disappointment in my parents’ eyes and having to fight about something I have no choice in. It’s just another part of who I am.

I wouldn’t want to rewire myself to fit everyone’s expectations anyway. That’s a horrible and scary thought.

August 8, 2009

It’s not about what you want. I want to be selfish and think about myself. This entry is all about what I want.

I want to tell my family about something I’ve been meaning to tell them for years. Only my closest cousin knows. It just came out during a sleepover. I needed to hear it out loud. I needed it to sound in someone else’s ears. I want to be in a relationship. A person who does not want to be alone can only be lonely for so long before they don’t want it anymore. I want to see the positive aspects in people. I can’t help but think the motives in other people are always bad. I scrutinize everything. I want to stop being so melodramatic about everything. It’s just a part of me though. I think I’ll miss it if it’s ever gone. I want to be confident in whoever it is I see when I look in the mirror. I want to know who the hell I am. I know this identity crisis is normal, but gosh, it’s been horrendous. I want to stop upping something in order to compensate for something else. I want – need – to meet someone who makes me want to LIVE life. I need someone, who is not family, to trust wholeheartedly.

August 7, 2009

Am I making you depressed? If I was hanging around myself I would. I slip in and out of my pessimism. It could be all my melodramatic music that I listen to. It could be all the emotive literature I have read. It could be past relationships. It could be current ones. It could be life. I think it’s the last one. Recently life has pushed me into my annual emotional period. There is always a time of the year when I have a prolonged sadness streak.

This was my chance to get out of this damn city. I totally screwed myself over. I really don’t deserve it after the way I’ve acted for the past four months. I did not want it bad enough.

By the time I’m twenty five I want out of my parent’s house and I want out of this city. Actually, I want out of this country. I’ve said this many a time before, but I really do need new scenery. I want to drop everything and just go. Go, go, go.

I’ve got to work my but off to get where I want to be. I need to admit things. I need to want to learn. I need to be motivated.

I need to try and find out who the hell I am.

August 6, 2009

Under the cover of teenage adrenaline and clumsy touches you professed your love of and for me. I was foolish enough to say ‘I love you’ back. Once the rush faded it was like the words never left your lips. Your eyes looked everywhere but at me. Do you know what that feels like? To not have the honor of having your gaze on me while everything else does? You have always had this power over me and you choose to put me on this ‘come here, go away’ trip. It’s not fair. With all the things you could do, why couldn’t you love me? I know it’s a selfish question. You can’t force someone to love you, but with us there was nothing to force. I could swear on my life that you knew what was happening. We were falling fast and you could have put on the brakes and let me go. We just got each other. Or maybe I just got you? If you did know me inside out, you could have sensed I was dying every time I had to stay next to you. So, I’m going to stand here and say, “No, let me in.” Because there’s something here and I’m not going to just stand here and let life wash it away.

August 5, 2009

I flipped the ball over to determine my fate. I fell in love with you because the magic 8-ball said ‘Yes’. Trust me when I say that it had nothing to do with magic.

I came to school around 7:50am. It was the first day of grade eleven and all the grade nines were running around to find their rooms. I already knew where my classes were, there were no jitters in my system – or so I thought. It was good to see new faces and old ones. I caught up with friends asking how summer was and so and so. Along with the new faces came you. You were an acquaintance of a friend and you caught my eye. You just stood there with this cool exterior, but an ounce of nervousness was displayed through your body language. That’s how it started. I pined for you for the whole year. We had some awkward instances. I loved that you were so into art. I loved that you listened to Death Cab for Cutie. I hated it when you left. It’s like whoever’s up there sent me some kind of hope only to take it away.

So, now I’m alone with ‘psychic’ ball, asking if it was worth it. It said ‘Yes’. I’ll listen to it again.

August 4, 2009

Ever blur the lines between friendship and partnership? I do. Once I get close to someone who I find attractive or interesting I start to get confused. I will mistake a friendly gesture for something more and over analyze everything. I know this is common, but it is so damn frustrating. Actually, you know what? In all the serious cases, I was never friends with them. Wait; there was an exception, but just one. In all the rest, the person who I was totally pining for barely knew about me. Honestly, I’m not one to talk about the relationship area first-hand. I have only been in one serious relationship in my life and even that wasn’t serious. I have heard a ton about people’s relationships. I have had to talk people through break-ups, make-ups and a lot more. I like advising people even if I have no experience. I live vicariously through the advice I give to other people for their relationships. Now I’m just waiting for my turn. I am waiting very impatiently actually. I really do think I need to be in my first real relationship. You think ‘wow’, she’s eighteen and has basically no experience. I say, “Who gives.” People find love on their own time. My time just hasn’t come yet. Patience.

August 3, 2009

Get your mind out of the gutter. Okay, so I am perceived as the innocent one at first glance. I’m timid and shy. When you have known me for long enough, you know that I’m not the innocent one. If someone says something and it relates to something dirty, my mind automatically goes to that R rated area first. Always. Someone will say something they think is, and probably is to most people; completely normal and then I’ll laugh to myself. People around me act as if I’m crazy, wondering why I laughed at such a common phrase or such. Oh my, if only the world knew what went on in my head. I’m sure I’m not the oddest person out there; intimacy is a part of our daily lives as humans. I find it very funny to hear about others’ thoughts about relationships. What they find ‘hot’ and such. Some things I don’t find appealing, but to each his own right? I was naturally curious kid. I found out how things worked on my own. I know a lot more than a lot people my age in my town know about sex, which is funny because I’m a virgin. It’s not something to boast about, but I just do. Like I said – curious kid.

August 2, 2009

Spending a couple moments with you is like spending a lifetime with someone else. Every word that falls from your mouth bring the same warm as all the childhood stories that I loved. Your eyes are composed of all the photographs I have kept only for my eyes. Your voice is all the songs I want hear for the rest of my life. Your scent puts the sweetest smells to shame. Your touch leaves everything it has fallen upon aching for more. The way you taste, well, yeah. I will scrutinize every detail of you because I want to see why I am so damn attracted to you. Why when I look at you’re my mind wanders to future that includes you in it. Why I compare everyone to you. Why I make all these sentimental posts that are inspired, or rather, caused by thoughts of you. I hardly ever see you and when I do I act as if I didn’t. It is the way I work. When something I want is laid out in front of me I do not jump at the opportunity. I guess I’m in sort of a different situation though, or I like to tell myself that. I’m sure a lot of people would think the same thing.

August 1, 2009

I’m almost eighteen and that’s two years away from twenty. Two years. I remember when my sister was twenty and I was ten. I called her old. I do love my youth. I like the elasticity in my skin. How vain of me. Life sure has gone by fast. Another twenty years and I’m forty. That just sounds wrong. There’s so much that I thought I would have done by eighteen, well, just one particular thing. I’m at the beginning of what people call your prime years, but every year the prime times get further and further into the higher numbers. They say you get better with age. I’m afraid of who I will be when I am older. I want to leave this childhood shyness behind me, but then again I don’t. It’s going to be something that will always be a part of me. I can grow up to be really confident and have those moments where the shy person in me comes out. I can recall thinking what it would be like to be eighteen; to be ‘grown up’. I’m here now and all I can do is shrug my shoulders. I’m watching the youth around me age and the elder around me fade into memories. I’ll just ponder more.

July 31, 2009

A good morning stretch. A well made iced four pump with whip caramel macchiato. When my knees pop. Coleslaw with the vinaigrette, not creamy, dressing. A really good laugh. Strawberry and banana smoothies. Worn-in sneakers. Worn-in jeans. How my voice gets semi-raspy after singing a lot at night. New Zealand, South African, British and Australian accents. Pretty eyes. A song with amazing lyrics. A generally amazing song. Death Cab for Cutie. The first few minutes in bed when I just wake up. Cold pillows. A book that makes you smile after reading the last line. Being the only one awake at home in the morning. Watching a good movie. Well-marinated meat. Fall-off-the-bone ribs. Barbecue sauce. Mom’s shark fin soup. Mom’s food in general. Accomplishing yearly projects. Getting random emails. Getting snail mail. Sending snail mail. A good notebook. A good sketchbook. A good pen. Sitting on the porch at night. A firm and cold nectarine. Cyclone popsicles. Waffle cones. Walking down a busy street alone with my headphones on. Happy couples. Concerts with chill crowds. Good Thai food. Finding new and not well known shops. Eating at restaurants I’ve never been to. Really crispy fries. Sweet and sour sauce. Tatar sauce. Knowing smirks.

These are some of the many things I love.

July 30, 2009

All I see are sympathetic eyes when I enter the bus. What the hell is wrong with all of you people? I can tell what is going through your heads. Anybody with an ounce of understanding about how the human mind works should notice. You pity me. My eyes are red and the blue near the tip of my sleeve is a shade darker than the rest of my sweater. Yeah, I’ve been crying. Shove it. I sit down on one of the back seats and stare out the window. I saw how all of your eyes followed me. You probably didn’t know your heads were moving along with your eyes.

Then I heard it.

“Are you okay?” I turned around and died.

They had those eyes. I mumbled a quick ‘Yes, thank you’ and got off at the next stop.

It’s all too much. All of this. You know – without you. I don’t even know why it ended. What did you mean when you said you weren’t happy? You must be the world’s greatest fake. I can distinctly remember that laugh, how it rang in my ears and how I thought it was the one thing I would want to hear for – forever.

You left without a full explanation. Why?

July 29, 2009

I like to think of the future. Who will I be with? Where will I be? What will I be doing?

So here’s one of my latest scenarios. I’ll be twenty-nine with a doctorate in psychology. I will have lived two years in a loft in Chicago and packing my bags for the two years I will spend in Bristol in the United Kingdom. I’ll be with whomever I’m with. Honestly, I have a vague picture of types of people I may be with, but I usually don’t write about them – nobody needs to know. I will say that I really want to be with someone who loves art. It’s vital. -- On our first Saturday there we’ll go to the local market and pick out things for our Sunday brunch. I want a really simple and homey lifestyle.

Though this is what I want. I do not get everything I want. Nobody should. Life would be boring. It is the combination of the quirks and personalities of two people that make a relationship what it is.

This is not realistic though. Life is too unpredictable for this. Life isn’t a fairytale and if it is, it turns itself into a warped version of one when you are happiest. Life happens.

July 28, 2009

Our life is made up of an incredulous amount of pictures. I can go really trigger happy with my camera. That’s like life. You’re in a trigger happy mode every second. Taking pictures of everything that you take in. Out of all those picture there are ones that stand out. These are the ones that you save onto your hard drive so they’re saved forever. There are some moments where I can remember a lot of my surroundings. There was this one Christmas. I was around five or six and sitting in front of the Christmas tree downstairs. My dad put on a record with a bunch of common Christmas songs. I believe ‘Silent Night’ was playing. I was on my favourite small red plastic chair. My dad was tapping his foot to the beat of the song and I just kept staring at the tree. I could hear nothing but the song and my dad’s tapping. I sat there for a good hour or so. It’s one of my favourite Christmas memories to date. I got up after that hour or so and that’s where the memory ends; nothing quite special. It was simple. I loved it. There are all these seemingly insignificant memories that mean so much.

July 27, 2009

So I’m here sitting on a park bench. The cake in this plastic grocery bag is getting less and less appetizing as each second goes by. I’m going to sit here for a few minutes before I get up. Just a few hours ago I was so excited to see you. The excitement was drained from my day when I had an epiphany of sorts. You and I just don’t work together. If anything we’re perfectly capable of being really good friends, but nothing more. Right before I rang your doorbell the thought just came and turned on my heels and ran. Yeah, it was that scary. It was there all along, but I tend to blur the lines between friendship and anything more than that. I always fall easily; one of my many faults. So, now I’m up and headed home. I threw away the cake. I really want nothing to do with happiness right now. I’m sure that cake would make me feel a little better. That’s not good. I want to wallow in my despair like some sad hormonal teenager. Even the leaves on the trees are saying goodbye to me. They wave back and forth mockingly. I despise you trees. I despise everything. Sad.

July 26, 2009

It's like nobody knows how great they are until someone who's head-over-heels in love with them tells them how great they are. Sometimes even that's not enough.

I love you. You're like the perfect amount of sugar and cream in a freshly brewed coffee -- and that means a lot. You're that perfect stretch in the morning. You're everything. I want to spend forever with you.

It will never be enough.

Of course this is hypothetical. I've yet to find a person who means that much to me. No rush though, right? -- Even I'm not sure when I say that.

Maybe I want nothing to do with it. Maybe I want it so bad that I'm willing to go through a really big heartache. Who knows?

I really dislike thinking about this kind of stuff when I'm in a foul mood because I always slip into negative thoughts -- like that's new.

It's been odd lately. I tend to postpone my posts. It's not good. I get behind and have to write a lot of stuff. Also, the post for a certain day is actually composed from my thoughts of another day. I am going to try and post regularly now. It will be more true to the project.

July 25, 2009

I’m packed full of meds and I have never felt worse. These things claim to make you better, but they only break you down. They eat you up from the inside and wear you down. I am only taking them because I have to. I feel exhausted and constantly feel like puking. There are all these things that we put and our body, but we do not know exactly what effect they have on us. Wow, this sounds like some kind of health talk. Really, it’s not. I just need to explain how horrible I feel. I’m lying on a couch. I’m sore all over. Anyways, as a piece of advice: Do not mess with someone who is on meds. They will moan and groan. Just tell them things once and wait for them to respond. They hate being told things twice because it’s as if you are babying them. They heard you the first time. Do not act like a broken record. It is one of the most annoying things in the world. It is even worse because the medicated person is not up to their norm. They can’t eat what they want or move or talk like they normally do. It sucks – a lot.

July 24, 2009

There is a hole in my hand. The area around it is bruised and I cannot look at it. I can still feel the phantom needle. There was a slight pinch. The drip was not strong enough so he moved it around. It hurt. Then he injected something. A pain ran up my arm. I was about to say something, but then I got knocked out. It was the most painful part of the surgery. I really do hate needles. I woke up and I could not feel my face. I drugs still had an effect and I was a bit unaware of what was happening. I could hear the nurses conversing about how I was shivering. They checked to see if they had more blankets. I hate looking vulnerable, but I did not care in that moment. I was too paranoid to care. They brought my mom in, she kissed my head and then my gauzes got replaced. It was nasty. All that blood. The nurse took out the IV, I went home and now I am here. It has been two days since the operation and I cannot talk properly. I have a serious craving for meat, but I cannot eat meat. Crap.

July 23, 2009

I always talk about how I analyze people. Why do I do it? I find it very interesting. When you’ve been watching people for your whole life, you begin to notice things. I know the signs of when people are trying to use you. I've let people use me before just to see the results. I need to know as much as I can about society and I do not know why. It is just this interest I have always had. I like knowing how people work. Why they do the things they do. Why they feel the things they feel. What makes them tick. Maybe it is because I want to know why people always fk things up. Why I always fk things up. Well, that is my pessimistic reason of why I do it. Speaking from an optimist’s view, maybe it would help me learn more about what goes on in a person’s mind when they fall in love. Now that just sounds like a saps answer. I don’t even know why I am writing this. I am bored and really just need to make today’s post. People’s behaviour is always on my mind. I need to know what’s on your mind.

July 22, 2009

I do not see why people like you so much. You may be social and people find you attractive, but seriously? How can people not see that ego of yours? I guess it is because I am around you all the time. It is funny how you do not even notice it. Yeah, it is that bad. You talk about how you think everyone in university will know you just like in high school. I hope you get a wake up call. Not everyone loves you. You do not know when to stop talking either. You take things literally and do not know when to read between the lines to find the real meaning of things. You do not know how to pick up on the mood of a situation. You crack a joke when you should act remorseful. A lot of guys are like this. Actually, a lot of people are like this. Maybe it is because people do not spend a whole lot of time analyzing people like I do. When you are not very social, you start to see things in people. The good. The bad. You stand back and see all the little things people do to cover up.

July 21, 2009

I hate everything about you. I think you are the worst case of invasion of personal space I have had to deal with. People play along because you come on so strong that they do not know what to do with themselves. It is sick really. Why do so many guys think that they are God’s gift to women? You are not hot shit. Stop acting like it. Give it a couple more weeks and I will never have to see you again. I may run into you on holidays and such, but I do not have to see you everyday. I will never have to feel gross after you put your arm around my shoulder. I cannot believe you thought I actually trusted you. I do not trust anyone fully. You pry too much. You want to know me, but you never will because I do not want you to. You freak me out. Stop trying so hard because you will get nowhere. There are no platonic feelings between us. I do not see what you see. I do not see how you have not gotten the message. I hope someone puts you in your place. You need a reality check.

July 20, 2009

This is a chance that I am not willing to take. I will not give you my heart knowing that all you will do is throw it on the ground, turn and leave me there standing with a gaping hole where my heart used to be. I do not mind. I stitch it up and wait for the next person to do the same thing. Why do I do this to myself? Because I believe that I deserve this? Because I like pain? I really do not know. So it turns out this is a chance I am willing to take. It is not even chance. I do it every time. They do it every time. I let them. I act like I do not care. Every time you throw my heart on the floor I do not know why I bother to pick it up. I should just leave it there. Why bother to feel when no one will let you? Why bother when even you do not allow yourself to? Because I hope that one day someone will not throw my heart on my floor. I hope to find someone who will like pain as much as I do.

July 19, 2009

I will say goodbye without remorse. I will take the memories that you helped to create and put them in a box somewhere in my head until we meet again. I will pull them out of storage and we can laugh about the old times. Then they will go back in that box. You will leave again and I will act like I do not care. Unbeknownst to the world, my world crumbled when you left. The walls caved in and I was stuck. It was never the same when you came back. You changed. I stayed the same. I stayed with what felt comfortable. I now dislike overly-comfortable relationships. Someone always gets hurt because the other person moves on. Maybe we should all just stop being comfortable. People change so often that you forget how they were and do not like who they turn out to be. I hope I can find people who I do not get sick of. I need a balance. I need to find comfort and something new in you. I do not want us to get bored of each other. I have yet to find this. I know I will find it one day.

July 18, 2009

Once you get that new toy you have been asking your parents forever for, the want subdues and it no longer brings a sparkle to your eyes. This is like me and people. I try to get people to trust me. Eventually we become friends and everything seems fine. Time passes and we grow closer. This is what is supposed to happen. Friendships get stronger. My relationships act normal up until about half way. We are on the road to becoming great friends and one day I wake up and am sick of them. I have written about my comfort issues. Once something gets too comfortable I leave. It is probably due to these trust issues I have. I get people to trust me. Now that may sound bad, but I do genuinely want to gain the trust of friends. It is something I find pleasing. Now that sounds odd; sounds kind of sinister. Oh well. Maybe it is because I can see people as dispensable at times. It is not good, but it just seems to happen. Something new I need to fix – joy. I need to learn to see the good within people. I need to trust.

July 17, 2009

Lately the days just pass. They move into each other seamlessly. Days are no longer days, but moments that I can no longer recall. Before I can get a grip on reality I am fast asleep and only wake because it is what I am supposed to do. Then the cycle repeats itself. I have not found something to ground me yet. My mouth moves. My ears hear. My legs walk. I have no idea what I am doing. The sun rises and then sets, yet I could have sworn it has only been a few hours. I take this as a sign that I am just wasting away. Of course this is horrible, but there is just so little to do in this town. I have lived here all my life. The people are still the same, even ones that I have just met. I know where buildings used to be. I know where people should be standing. I know where I want them to be standing. Now I am slipping into another subject. This person is one of the only reasons why at times days seem longer; why I can bear to be in this town.

July 16, 2009

My heart is surrounded by numerous locks and chains. I know you do not have the keys. No matter how much I say I wish you had them -- I don't. I can't tell you what you want to hear or be who you want me to be.

We're just two people who are perfectly incapable of loving each other.

I don't want to be the person who looks at your face each morning. I don't want to be the person that's envious of that someone who gets to do so.

I don't want to be the person who knows how you like your coffee. I don't want to be the person telling someone else that they've made your coffee wrong.

I don't want to be the person that knows you hum when you're scared. I don't want to shake my head and smirk when somebody says they didn't enjoy the latest thriller because of the way you cope with fear.

I don't want to be the person that knows you inside out.

I don't want there to be anyone else.

I don't want to like you, but I do.

You're it.

This is all hypothetical of course.....

July 15, 2009

expectations.

i am incredibly shy when you first meet me. i am horrible at making eye contact and my hands become the most interesting things in the world. i cannot stop playing or looking at them.

though, do not think that nervousness is the only thing on my mind. i judge people on spot as well. of course i never say anything. i like to think this is what most people do when they meet others for the first time.

on occasion i think of what others think about me when they first see me. i have heard things firsthand and it is definitely funny. i make it seem like they are wrong, but they are actually spot one.

with one guy he told me something he thought about me in eleventh grade, i laughed, but inside i was like 'dude you have gone a bit far, go half way back and you are there'. this makes no sense to anyone, but me. how funny.

it is funny when i look at pictures of myself. i could tell if i stared at myself, but maybe that is just because i am the person in the picture.

July 14, 2009

i have this urge to see your face. i am freaking out because i was starting to get over that fact that i was single and so-and-so left. then all of a sudden you show up after i thought it was going to be a crush-less year and make me turn my heads in the hallways. thanks for ruining a perfectly mundane year. sarcasm.

you did make it interesting some days.

you gave my heart and my whole respiratory system a run for its money every time we crossed paths while walking home.

i hope you somehow know that.

on another note -- i make people around me hate the world. this makes me smile, being quite the cynic.

i tend to make other people find reasons to roll their eyes and scoff more often. you need to look around more carefully. the world is a scoff-worthy place. i have been giving more 'stank face' than is necessary. people are pissing me off more and more easily. maybe i am going to get my rag soon. whatever. eww. too much information.

should people be worried by the fact that i do this makes me quite flattered?

July 13, 2009

Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Physiological. Safety. Love and belonging. Esteem. Self-actualization. This is the supposed order of what we need. Under each heading are things that go under that category. I would say it is quite right. Some people may switch up the order, but to each his own.

what we need. i know we have basic needs defined by the United Nations that people say we could not live without, but I do not know if they have love on that list. Yeah, we need food, water, shelter and such, but i do not think i could live without love.

it is all types of love that i could not live without. the emotional part. the physical part. everything that comes with it. when you know you are loved by others it makes you feel like you have a reason to be alive.

with relationships we have with each other comes certain kinds of love or affection. we need to interact with others. we are a social species.

i feel like without interacting with society we go crazy. being by yourself is a frightening thing. it is definitely something i am afraid of.

July 12, 2009

people ask me why i do so many projects during the year. blogging, photography, random things.

it is a joy for me, not a pain. they help me showcase more of who i am. they make days interesting. they will be fun to look at ten years from now.

i love The Arts.

i was never much of fan of numbers and calculations. they confuse me profusely.

i am the one who enjoys, wholeheartedly, going to English, art and photography class.

i am not one to share my feelings with the world. regardless of what i write on any site, there will always be so much more going on inside my head that will never reach the ears or eyes of another human being.

my journals and sketchbooks hold what i keep most dear to my heart.

my art can express what my mouth fails to. it is enigmatic as well. i could put so much of my life into one piece of my art and it will be interpreted in a totally different way. no one will ever get it like i do because it IS me.

i owe art a lot.

July 11, 2009

i do not get the point of trying to impress other people. sure, go a little above and beyond sometimes, but to trying to impress someone time after time because you think it is what they want is not healthy.

you have nothing to prove to people who treat you as if you are below them. screw people who walk with their heads overtly-high. to be confident is one thing, to be cocky is another. be confident with yourself; who you are. turn a blind eye to awkward looks and over-done laughs that come your way.

i tend to roll my eyes when this happens and give, what i like to call, 'stank face'. it is that unconscious or conscious look i give to people who piss me off.

i can be superficial. i try to stop myself, but it comes through. what i am talking about is people who constantly make themselves feel good by making people feel really bad about themselves.

i want nothing to do with these people. i walk by them everyday; scrutinizing people with their harsh gaze.

when i get over confident, tell me to come down.

July 10, 2009

socialites. i have a problem with many of them. i do not know if this is the case with many cultures, but it is with mine. there is a type of Filipino that likes to show off. at parties they try to show each other up on the dance floors; each person looking at the other making sure they look decent in comparison. they are the ones that throw big parties and act all fake.

i have gone to many of these parties and each time i have to plaster a big fat smile of my face.

i know you are proud of what you have under your belt, but gosh, please do not shove it in my face.

i cannot take all this fake chit-chat. one minute two people are acting as if they are super close and the next they are talking to the person next to them about how they hate them.

'oh my goodness, it is so glad to see you' -- followed by a small up and down glance really translates into 'oh my god!?! what are you wearing? why did you step out of the house?'

July 9, 2009

what would you do if you knew when and how your relationships would end?

would you follow the life you were planned to lead and go in head first knowing that you were going to end up with your heart broken?

would you not even get into any relationships at all to just save yourself from that heartache?

would you set out on an endless search to find someone who you knew you would be together with forever? no expiration dates.

i would say it is better to feel than to never feel at all. it is a saying said all the time, but that is because it is true. i would rather have my heart get kicked around and stepped on if that was what was needed to end up in love. i would be total masochist. something that is opposite of what i am. it is different when you have that sort of knowledge though -- you do things according to a way that is not yours. you make yourself work in a way that will benefit and speed up the process for the goal you know is imminent.

July 8, 2009

there is no such thing as 'ten steps to fall in love'. i cannot tell you steps that will guarantee you the path to find your soul mate. people always ask me if i believe in love at sight because i'm seemingly cynical when it comes to love. they're right in some ways. i do have my moments. it's not that i don't do romantics -- it's more like they're a rarity.

i may be highly infatuated with someone, but it's not the same as actually starting to have more than that with a person.

if i get down to the point, i do believe in love at first sight, to an extent. when you first see someone you're basing your attraction on a material scale, right? their voice, looks and such. i think when you actually get into a relationship with them, and know them inside out, everything aside from the material aspects -- you can look back and say 'yeah, i knew it from the start'. it's not that moment. that moment is a start point. everything else just confirms your thoughts at the beginning.

i'm not THAT cynical ;)

July 7, 2009

people always tell you to follow your heart. though a lot of the times i follow mine, it gets broken. then there's that fear that sets in. the wall then begins to get built. it's that barrier that keeps us from truly being happy -- but you don't stop it from being constructed because you don't want to get hurt again. sooner or later you forget how everything feels. all your emotions have nothing behind them. they're there to let others around you know you're still alive; that little bit of you.

i guess it's starting to get get better. a lot better actually. i don't think it is meant to happen. i think i'm trying too hard and thinking about it too much. i know it'll come at a time when i don't expect it. it always happens like that though. it never happens when you try.

i know i can't force anything, but i can hope right? maybe that's what will be in my mind. not a person ,but a hope to find some sort of love soon -- or whenever it is supposed to come to me.

July 6, 2009

i don't want you to promise me forever. i know that forever does not exist.

i don't have best friends. i don't believe in them. they end up screwing you over. you have these special bonds made. then one day you two just don't meld. you've transformed into different people overnight and want different things. you've gotten too comfortable and are sick of each other. to those that do have and believe in best friends -- kudos. you've found something special.

i just don't give anyone that title. i have not since grade four, i believe. i was a young cynic. it makes me smile -- sometimes it makes me sad. i wonder how i would have ended up if i grew up with the ability to trust a person fully. then i remember that low that comes after moments of fun with a best friend and i am content again.

i have good and close friends. i have moments with them that any other person would have with their best friend. it's just that title has too much entitled to it. trust. honesty. time. love. comfort. space. feelings.

July 5, 2009

fidelity. it's something that i take really seriously. with friends, family, but in relationships especially. i know there are polygamous people out there. it's just not my cup of tea. if i'm with someone then i am with them and only them. at least with polygamy it's usually mutual -- seeing as everyone involved is aware of everything. cheating; something i have a huge problem with. if things are not working out and there's nothing to do -- leave. don't set yourself and someone else up for problems.

i was listening to stories about married men back home who frequently cheat on their wives. they go in groups. it really sickens me when i hear they talk about it with smiles on their faces; bragging about their latest fucks.

i know there are times when people feel like something's missing. they cheat to compensate.

i really don't get it. i shouldn't be surprised though. the divorce rate is fifty percent. it happens all the time.

it's all about one person. i could only give myself fully at one person at a time. it's what both of you deserve.

July 4, 2009

It's hard to fall asleep when your mind keeps coming up with all these scenarios. I can admit that I want to be in a relationship. I miss the intimacy and everything else that a relationship comes with. The good and the ban even. If I look at it though, I'm at a point in my life where having a relationship would be hard to commit to fully. I don't like to love halfheartedly. If you love, you love fully. At least that's what I think. I notice the couples around me more often than usual. I smile when I see cute couples. It's lovely -- and makes me slightly jealous. Maybe it's because it's been so long since I've been in a relationship. Maybe it's because my last relationship was wrong in so many ways or that I am liked by people I do not. I was pining for so long that I didn't realize the connection wasn't there anymore. I took it like some sort of conquest and when I won -- it felt like I lost. It was a bad move on my part.

July 3, 2009

i don't understand relatives sometimes. I really don't love over half of my relatives. We have such a big family that we can create major cliques. It is not like I care much though. A bunch of them are selfish and don't even bother to keep in contacts unless it benefits them. I know secrets that even kin or spouse know. I like knowing stuff. It makes me realize how dysfunctional a family actually is. There have been many problems and incidents, but everyone likes to act as though they're oblivious to them; as if they never happened. Ignorance is truly bliss in my family. A lot of them are also close-minded. The elders are conservative and most of the younger ones are a bit more flexible. Well, that's basically how it normally goes though right? We all act happy when we're near each other because we want to make it seem like we have that 'family dynamic' down. Behind closed doors it all changes. Hurtful words are exchanged and gossip spreads fast. I love how fake we all are. It makes me laugh.

July 2, 2009

It's finally setting in for me. This whole university thing. You're totally on your own and every single move you make builds your whole career. One f**k up and you're off to another year at university. I'm excited and scared at the same time. I really just want things to work out. I know I'm not fit for the program I've gotten accepted in. I know I'm more suited for psych and english. I'm so scared that I'm going to screw all this up. This is definitely not something I can take lightly. My parents are paying for this. I can't mess up -- for their sake especially. I don't want their money to go to waste. I know that there are people with way worse problems, but this is the biggest problem I've encountered so far. I just feel lost. I need to get myself back on track. I need to be serious. I know I can do this. I know I can be better than I have been. I just need this last chance. I know that this is my last chance.

July 1, 2009

bright and expectant eyes loomed up at the dark sky above them. flashes of colour tinted their faces. gasps and cheer resounded from their mouths. fireworks. it's funny how concentrated we are when fireworks are exploding in the sky. if you pull yourself away from the entertainment and look around at other people, it is very interesting. everyone has a smile on their faces. hips lightly sway to the music that plays in tune to the bursts in the sky. couples are holding each other. children let out loud and shrill squeals. i look around and smile to myself. i always loved fireworks. it brings you back to your childhood and you suddenly feel like you've gone back to the times when you were always genuinely happy. or at least i was. i was always happy as a kid. even when i was sad, there was still inklings of happiness in me. i miss that. i miss the innocence, having no cares in the world, playing with a close group of neighbourhood friends until dark. i'm trying to hold onto my youth.

June 30, 2009

i found myself sitting in a room similar to one that i would be spending my next four years of university in. it was wonderful really. being in a new environment and everything. i could picture myself listening to lectures and writing notes hurriedly in my note book so as to not miss the next bit of information. i saw the campus facilities and they're not that bad at all. they're really quite extraordinary. the library is definitely a place i'll be spending a lot of time in. i can picture myself in the gym as well; keeping fit, running after class, not going the freshman fifteen. i do not want that to happen. i'm excited to join clubs too. i know it's going to be hard, but i'm up for the challenge. i know there are going to be times where i'll want to cry and curse and just not put up with anything. it comes with the package. i know i can't slack off. my head's going to be in the books for a countless number of hours. exciting.

June 29, 2009

You know when you start to like someone and you relate everything they do back to you when you know, logically, that you have nothing to do with it? Well, that's what's happening now. I hate when this happens. My mind sends me on this emotional and physically draining trip that leads nowhere. I become prone to writing and sketching things. Okay, so it's no that bad for my creative outlet, but still, it's quite frustrating; to have something on your mind for that long is scary. I find it's like when an unwelcome visitor is knocking at your door. They're so persistent, insisting that you're home. They just won't go away and boy do they every knock hard. Each sound vibrates through your ear and ear sound echos for what seems like an eternity. It is only when they've stopped that you have some sort of peace, but the sound still lingers; if only for a bit. That may not be the best way to describe it, but it's how I see it. I just hope it stops soon.

June 28, 2009

So, there was shit weather today, so I decided not to go to Pride. I really wanted to go. It would have been fun with a couple of friends and possibly a cousin. Anyways, I was talking about Pride in church with my brother -- I know, not the greatest place to talk about it, but I really don't care -- and I got a super dirty look from a woman sitting near us. I just smiled and kept talking. I get that some people aren't accepting, but some people are so blatantly rude about it. To each his own, but I really do think we should have gotten past this a long time ago. I know it's getting there, but still. I can't tell others what to do, but I do hope that others are at least tolerant. Labels make things complicated; you're put into a category. It happens. I for one think sexuality is fluid. If you happen to fall in love with someone, whether it be a boy, girl, transgendered, etc., then so be it. Love is love.

June 27, 2009

it's far too early to be thinking like this, but i am. summer's just begun, yet i seem to have gotten myself into a slump. i always seem to do this to myself. i get stuck and don't know how to make myself move. i'm glued to the spot. i constantly stare into space and forget what i'm doing there in the first place.

then the patronizing comes in. i don't need you to tell me you feel sorry for me. i don't need you to ask me if i'm okay. i don't need you monitoring my every step thinking i'll relapse. it sounds like i'm talking about some condition i have, but it's not anything diagnosed. it's just me and who i am and how i act.

i don't want you to be there for me. it sounds stupid, but you're hurting me more by trying to help. just stay out of my way, my life; everything. you're one more person on the list of people who care, but i don't care about.

i know i'm horrid.

June 26, 2009

in a place so unfamiliar, you can find yourself acting more like your real self. when you can post things anonymously online, you say things that are mean, but exactly what you mean to say.

i think i need to leave. i think it's time to leave. i never found love in high school, or ever actually. i was highly infatuated with someone i didn't even know. i felt at home and happy in my arts classes, but still took math and science classes. i was slightly scared to go to french and math class everyday.

on another note. i am so happy i don't join in common teenage affairs. i don't see the point in certain things. they make you stupid, yet you are proud to say you have taken part in them. do you realize how demeaning it is? i just sit there looking around wonder 'what the hell am i doing here?'

whatever. to each his own. do what you please. i'll lean back on my chair and watch with a smirk from afar.

June 25, 2009

well, it's officially over. i graduated from high school.

i sat in my seat. i looked around. we were a big sea of blue and green. a hideous colour combination really. one big eye sore. i practically slept through the whole ceremony, only getting up when told, when receiving my diploma and to sing. i only cried after because a close friend started to cry. what can i say? -- tears are contagious.

it all comes down to this feeling of being apathetic to this. has it not hit me full force? or does this really mean it's not of much importance? i loved moments. i hated moments. the pessimist in me is telling me there were more moments to hate. there was always a piece of me, even if sometimes small, that was miserable or scared to enter the building everyday.

i need to take a deep breathe and realize that this is amazing. i'm finally free from high school. no more uniforms. no more seeing certain people everyday.

this feels nice. something for the better.

June 24, 2009

it's the day before i officially graduate. i still don't see the magnitude of this event. i'm sure once i am up there it will hit me and i'll break down. it has been a hard four years. i've changed so much. for the better i believe. i've definitely added bricks to the wall i've built. that's no necessarily a bad thing. some people have hopped over before it's gotten taller. some people should just not be let it though. i've had to kick some people over and out. it's so weird using this wall metaphor. let's say it in less odd terms. i liked some people. friendships. platonic and more than platonic. i've definitely learned more about myself and who i am. i know who i don't want to be like and who the genuinely nice people are. i did things i never thought i would do. good and bad. i'm excited to move on. i need to move on. i think we all do. i'll continue this little chat tomorrow -- as a graduate.

June 23, 2009

i can't say that i'll be there for you in ten years, but i can say that i'm here for you now. we're near the end of this chapter of our lives and we're going to part way. it's going to be sad, we're all going to cry. it has not fully hit me yet. i'm going to walk out on all the people i've met over four years and not care much. i've already said how much i want a new atmosphere to situate myself in. i want to be able to say we are still going to be close, but life goes on and things don't go as planned.

i have so many things i want to do when i get out of high school. i need to put myself out there. i need to break out of this shell. i need out.

although i cannot promise you friendship, i can promise i'll look back on everything we've done with a smile. it's going to suck to not see some people everyday.

June 22, 2009

i'm all about you. everything. every inch. millimeter. i'm finding myself listening for hint of your voice in my favourite songs. i want every brush of limbs to be composed of us. i always hear of people talk about these infatuations. i could call them crazy, but then i'd be contradicting myself. i'm talking in cliches. i'm a walking cliche. i'm feeling all the things they talk about in song, poems, books, movies. it's incredibly surreal.

i wish you could see yourself with my eyes. see how perfect you actually are. see the way you like to walk as if nobody's watching. you silently giggle to yourself often. it's adorable. really.

excuse me if i sound odd. fawning over you like this, but i no plans of saying any of this in front of your face. what's the use you ask? well, i think it makes me feel better because i'd be able to see the expressions on your face if i told you. i'm scared to see rejection looking back at me.

June 21, 2009

This is pointless. I am trying too hard to get these words out. I have no way to tell other people how great I think you are. I am searching the sides of my brain for something profound, yet all I come up with are words familiar to someone else's tongue. I can never say what I want because words always fail me. I try to carefully construct phrases that will exude my emotion, but I just get stale imagery. It really does suck, not knowing how to express yourself with something you know can be so wonderful; words.

The point is you are all that it comes down to. You are completely perfect for being imperfect. You are the muse behind every love poem ever written. You are the reason behind this feeling. You are living proof something good does exist in this world. You are why I am writing these incredulous posts; exaggerating so much. You are writer's block. You.

It is ridiculous, the magnitude to which I want you.

June 20, 2009

I remember the day when I first told you. You were the first I told. You are the only one I've told since. I was so distraught. I needed to know that it was out; that someone knew. That the words were now said -- floating around in the form of words and not in my heart and head. You didn't even bat an eyelash. You kept the conversation going. Cracked jokes. You accepted it.

I want to thank you for taking everything in and for not making it awkward. I thought there would be more fuss made, but I'm glad there was not.

It is still hard to hide who you are. I know I'll have support, but it's still tough. How can be who I am when I know people will end up hating me? It's not even my fault. I shouldn't give a rat's ass, but I do.

I know it'll happen someday soon. It has to. It now physically hurts to lie. I just have to speak up...

June 19, 2009

comfortable mess. it's like everything is out of place, but everything is where it is supposed to be.

i want someone to get all my quirks. unlike people who try to know me, i want someone to actually know me. instead of someone having to try to finish my sentences and explain my stories with no luck, i want someone who is spot on. i don't want you to try. i want you to just be.

i hate when anyone tries to hard. if someone does not like you when you're you, it's not worth either of your time. if you change, the person does not fall for you, but someone you think they would like.

so let's quit this act alright. i never liked you. do not like you. will never like you. like that.

i am a firm believer in 'never say never', but this is a definite case. i am absolutely sure that there can never be an us. i will never let it become a possibility.

June 18, 2009

I wish it were simple to find out where I resided in your heart. I feel like I am making all the wrong turns. I am running into your arteries and valves and muscle mass. None of which are pointing me in the right direction. What if I follow the flow of your blood? Will this liquid that flows and knows every part of you lead me to what I need? Maybe I have gotten it all wrong. Maybe your love does not live here at all. This feeling that cannot be pinned down is everywhere within you. Your love is spontaneous; ebbing and flowing wherever it needs to be. Just not with me.

I cannot tell you what I want because nobody should have to tell someone that they want their love. You should not want it. You should want someone to give it to you. No doubts. Happily. Proud that the other person has it and that you have theirs. A mutual love that will actually last.

June 17, 2009

yesterday i was lying on my bed, listening to Death Cab for Cutie songs and the fact i am graduating high school this month kind of just hit me. i'm not coming back to the building. my sister and i will not have our morning chats in the car because i'll be taking the bus. i will see a new set of faces for the next few years. it's exciting.

anyways. you're giving me all these things and don't misunderstand me, i appreciate every single thing you have given. all you wanted today was a smile and i couldn't give you that. i never ask for you to give me anything. i appreciate and do not want them. mean, i know. it's the truth though. i do not need anything from you. you're one of those people who always need something in return. can't you give knowing you won' t get anything?

i just think you're odd. i do not want any sort of relationship with you. ever.

June 16, 2009

when i sit next to you, my body becomes alien to me. i don't know what to do with myself. what do i do with my hands? what are hands? then i think these so-called hands are useless because they're nowhere near holding on to yours. they're only useful when grasping onto things. mine inch towards yours without even trying. you're what they want, even subconsciously.

my hands are typing this as fast as my heart is beating. i'm typing so-and-so words per minute. my heart beats so-and-so time a minute. lub-dub. click-clack. my hands are failing me again; not typing words that explain my situation well enough.

people say i have a way with words, but even the mouth that speaks these words fails me. i say what i don't mean. i say to much. i say too little.

my body keeps failing me. i'm wondering when it will actually do what i intend for it to do.

you're making me function in the wrong way.

June 15, 2009

there are some things that you are so used to doing. being in solitude, a much nicer way to say alone, has become second nature to me. it has been there for so long that it is now a part of me; no longer apart.

i want to see you beg for your own heart to break.

yes, i am feeling a bit bitter. i don't know how you could could ask someone to give you so much without giving anything. why would you want that part of me anyways? it's not anyone's to keep, especially not yours. i don't want to hand it over to someone. i want to feel secure enough it give it someone; willingly and wholeheartedly.

i do not want you to feed me lines about this and that, thinking that these chains of words thrown quickly together are even worth something. they're not. not to me or anyone else. you know why? because they're full of lies.

how stupid you are.

June 14, 2009

i keep telling myself that this is enough for now, but it's not. it will never be enough.

i keep wishing different things for myself. though that's all they'll ever be. wishes. i know i'll never end up going in that direction because there's always something that gets it the way. so many damn restrictions.

when i grow up i'll encourage my kids to do whatever their hearts desire. i don't want to be the one that restrains them from doing what they love because of stupid conventions made by society. i'd love to have a child passionate about the arts -- unfortunately, not all parents see this as a good thing.

"You want to be an artist?" she asks incredulously.

That hurt. I stopped hoping to become anything of that sort.

There are so many things i should have done. I hate having to regret so many things and it's really my fault for not pushing the boundaries that i should have so long ago.

June 13, 2009

i'm thinking all this melodramatic and depressing posts are being written because i am sickly. i'm even more bitter and cynical when i'm under meds. my head is pounding, i can't walk straight, my throat hurts, my nose is stuff and i complain too much.

i guess i'll write about this because i'm slightly incoherent now -- how typical of me to say this...

i may seem like a cynic, but i'm quite the softie on the inside. i dream of finding to the perfect person to spend the rest of my life with. i make up mix tapes just for the sake of the feeling it brings. i sometimes ponder about romantic gestures. then reality kicks in -- well in my case, too much of it, and i pile more bricks on the wall that's already there.

i say i don't like people, but i do, well, very much so in singular form. there's just one of them. there's always one. one i never get.

June 12, 2009

i miss the music found in your voice. please just say what you mean and don't play this game anymore. i swear it meant more to you than this.

let's sit down in a coffee shop and talk about everything and nothing. talk to your heart's content. the steam from our cups would block our true intentions from each others eyes. our words would be lost in each sip and nothing would get resolved.

there's always an excuse to get out of whatever was planned. it could be something really important, but you'll make up something. anything to get away from speaking face to face.

i know what i want and i know you do. we're just to mediocre to go after whatever this is. whatever this could be. i can't believe we're going to let the inability to make conversation get between us. we don't even need to talk, yet we get each other. perfectly. all the time. doesn't this mean anything?

June 11, 2009

i don't want you to look at me with pity when you see me. i don't need it. yes, i'm not the most happiest person in the world, but gosh, it's not like i need you to remind me of it everyday.

anyways. i'm sick. i have a headache and i feel like there's no point to school anymore.

i don't claim to know everything. i don't understand why you think i do. when you ask me these questions, i don't know how to answer. i don't have an answer to everything you ask. don't come to me when you only want my advice. then you suddenly are nowhere to be found until you have another problem.

i'm sick of being there for you only when you want me to. i want to be there all the time, but you just won't let me.

i guess that's fair though. i put up so many walls that nobody ever gets in. never ever.

June 10, 2009

i know i said i wanted to make this perfect, but the fact is that it can't be. i can't be. i can't be the person you want me to be and though i care about you, i can't lie like this. to myself and you. i'm not sorry.

it's hard to stay in the lines when all you want to do is break out of them. life seems so mundane when you live for someone other than yourself. then again, nobody should experience this because one should live for themselves. it all comes down to you.

there's no more time to deal with these boxes people put you in. start surprising yourself and other people by doing things you wouldn't do. life gets boring when you start to settle for less than you know you can get.

why should you settle anyways? are you afraid of going into uncharted territory or do people's opinions scare you that much?

fuck it.

June 9, 2009

i feel like i'm going in circles when i talk to you. you never get the point, yet it's always said clearly and to your face.

i don't know how many other ways there are to say it. i don't feel the same way. you keep acting as if i had not said that to you already. you still gaze at me. it's not going to happen. thank god we're out of high school soon. i don't have to deal with you ever again. i can finally leave you and your bullshit behind.

on another note, i'm glad you won't be so far away. you're going to be a bus ride away and i can't be happier. maybe we'll run into each other. wishful thinking.

the days are getting less and less bearable. i just want it to end. i'm so sick of high school. i need that new environment to be in. i want something fresh, exciting and revitalizing.

June 8, 2009

i could love all the little things about you. i think that's what i'd love the most.

then there's you. why can you not stop invading my thoughts. one minute i'm totally fine, then i see you and i don't know what to do. i feel like all these feelings are going to collide in one slow collision that will leave me standing there, utterly hopeless. the funny thing is that you don't even know what you're doing? you drive me insane without touch, sight, words; nothing. it's confusing really.

on another note. i am so fucking happy school is almost over. it will be the happiest goodbye ever. yes, there were some good bits and pieces that are going to stick with me, but for the most part -- good riddance.

while talking to a friend i realized how much i put barricades up. i don't think i'll be breaking them anytime soon. they offer that comfort. who knows...

June 7, 2009

i was thinking about relationships lately, actually, when am i not thinking about that? i already wrote about this, i just need to add a couple of things. there are some things that couples can do that i want. i want to make mix-tapes. i want to do all those romantic things; write reasons why i love you on every page of a moleskine notebook with corresponding doodles. make a big present out of the little things you like. not buy cards because i know i can make ones that are better and more sentimental. awesome photo booth pictures. i want that love that transcends into all pictures, notes, anything that deals with us. cuddling. whisperings of sweet nothings.

i really dislike thinking about this stuff. it just makes me sad. i should just stop hoping because then it will seem longer until it happens. i'll keep myself occupied. i know it will happen when it's supposed to.

June 6, 2009

it's funny how i can tell a complete stranger more than i can tell a friend. i guess it's that mentality of 'oh, i'll never see you again, so why not?'

i don't like it when you look at me like that. it's like you can see right through me; reading me like a book. you can listen into my thoughts and see past my hypothetical speech. you have the blueprint to my inner workings.

i wish that i had the blueprints to you. it'd be so easy to find out what you're all about. what you like. what you don't. who you love -- so i guess it's really the blueprints to your heart that i want.

it's frustrating that the one of the persons who seems like they know me quite well, doesn't know me at all.

i don't want you to know me inside out because i'm scared you will find something you won't like.

June 5, 2009

prom was okay, but not something that would be a highlight of my life. it will probably just something to look back upon with fond memories.

it's amusing to see people drunk. truth comes in the form of slurred and shouted words. then there are the people that are just odd. the ones that act drunk to belong or take advantage. that's pretty fucked if you ask me. what are you trying to prove? that you're sleazy enough to use alcohol as an excuse to secretly grope people? that's actually quite gross and just plain wrong. if you think nobody can see through your facade. guess again. if you're going to act drunk, be good at it. you're as good as the actions you make.

maybe i'm cynical and too serious. alcohol is just not my thing, but it's many others'.

between the sound of puke hitting the floor and jumbled speech came clarity of mind.

June 4, 2009

today is the day before prom. i'm still not feeling truly giddy about it to be honest.

today the teachers in charge of the social justice group i have been a part of for the past 3 years held a special ceremony to say goodbye to the graduating students. i don't know why i started crying. i guess it was because a girl started crying and telling the teacher about how much of a better person she is because of the group. she totally broke down. then i started to tear up. odd. though i wouldn't have cried if it wasn't the end of something important right? i'm a sucker for other people's tears.

today was also a really good practice for grad choir. we started rehearsing panis angelicus. it ended up bring really good. if we work in the third harmonies and everybody lands the right note -- it's tear worthy.

no day but today.

June 3, 2009

it's june and i'm already tired of everything around me. places. people. routines. i've seen reoccurring faces i don't plan on seeing after high school. three more weeks and i can say goodbye to the people who never mattered, but took slight moments of my attention span. i'm sighing now because i know i'm being cynical and mean. i admit at least once a day that i don't like the general population. i'm sure the general population doesn't like me either. now i'm being self-deprecating. how sad.

this week i've taken a lot of time to look around me at my general surroundings. when you step back, you notice a lot of things that never caught your attention. nervous ticks. signs that show people are lying. pining. falseness. facades. smirks. unconscious smiles hidden from the giver. dreaming. sadness. worry. angst. i like analyzing people.

i guess i'm not tired of the little things though.

June 2, 2009

this is going to be another jumbled post. anything goes.

i don't see why you feel the need to change other people in order for them to fit your liking. do you not think you're going a bit too far? oh, and since when did you care so much?

maybe i should have kept my discussions to whispers. i didn't know i was going to run into someone who listened so intently when they were not even part of the conversation.

you don't have to be like me. i don't want you to. you shouldn't want to either. then why do you do it? no, how can you do it?

i need to get away from you. thank god you're going away next year. you're disgusting and invasive. i need to get my personal space back.

i like how next year there will be many bus rides that give me time to contemplate.

June 1, 2009

there are always those story where close fiends separate once high school starts. then, by some act of fate or such, they become close gain. it's always at the worst time too. like at the end of the year when both are headed to different universities that are far, far, away from each other.

i never thought that could happen, but i may have has this thought only because it is what i wanted.

i was so close to you. we talked all the time. had nicknames. laughed at the simple gestures and facial expressions. sent each other 'postcards' in class. had so many inside jokes.

we just drifted. too soon. i missed you. we don't even bother to make eye contact. we belong to different groups. you look happy though and i'm glad that you are.

i hope that you think that some day we'll make amends. i sure hope so.

May 31, 2009

it's one things to realize something is different. it's another thing to admit it to yourself. next is to tell that one person that you feel safe around. then you tell the world. or do you really have to? why should it matter to anyone else. sure, you won't say it's not true, but you won't flaunt it either.

i feel like i'm talking about an addiction or problem with my therapist... odd.

it really shouldn't matter, but if shouting it out for all the world to hear is what i have to do, then so be it.

i could love you with every fiber of my being. i could trace all your features with my fingertips. i could call you mine.

i could do all of that now. i'm not really into labels, but the rest of the world is. it sucks that i feel the need to define myself.

May 30, 2009

there are moments in my life where i wish i could freeze time.

it was right after the bell rung. school had just ended. i was sitting against my locker with two friends; chatting. you weren't at school for the whole day. you came in your uniform even though it was civies. your body language radiated the image of uncomfortableness. you walked with your eyes cast on the floor. it was uber cute. after a few minutes, you looked up and it was like we could see each other. i mean -- actually -- see each other. i smiled and you looked away. i just kept my eyes on you. you kept on checking if i still had my gaze locked on and i did. i was still trying to concentrate on the conversation between my friends, but all i could do was give grunts signaling 'yes' or 'no'.

simple, yet unforgettable.

May 29, 2009

i liked you for so long that i didn't realize i stopped liking you. i guess that's that happened with my ex. i had been pining for him for a while. i was so happy that i was finally with him. it just got worse from there. maybe the whole journey was the time spent trying to get together. it was not one of those moments where it felt better to have him, than to not have him. i didn't feel like i could finally breathe. things weren't clearer. i didn't have that moments where i was like, wow, there's something here. i should have gotten out earlier, but i learned things i didn't want, so whatever.

i have a totally different type now anyways. i guess i've always had it, there were just no guys that fit the profile. there still aren't. maybe it's time for something different.

May 28, 2009

i seem to love to say goodbye a lot. i usually leave with no remorse or actual care really. call me cold, it's just what happens. i get up and learn how to breathe again.

you will not die in the absence of people you've spent year with. it may feel like you're dying, but you won't die.

look around. be sad. say your goodbyes. you will not see the majority of your graduating class ever again. people move on. life happens and it will not slow down for anyone.

so, have you said everything you wanted to say? have you said 'i want you forever and always -- please don't go'? i didn't.

that's a part of it, right? not getting what you want. you hurt. you learn. you cope. you grow.

behind every bruise and cut is a story. these stories are what compile your life. memories.

May 27, 2009

i guess you could say that everyone has high expectations for me. you could also say that i got tired of it. i was supposed to be successful one. i got straight A's through elementary. i was a complete perfectionist. i was involved in everything. i was valedictorian. high school was suppose to be in the same ballpark. i just got sick of everything and everyone. i have so much hate in me. there are only a handful of moments where i don't feel this way.

labels are awful. nerd. freak. gay. odd. loser. stereotypes. i've been put into boxes my whole life. why does everything have to be categorized? i guess you could say i believe in the fluidity of many things. things go the way they go. never say never.

i hate having the names pile up. it's burdening. drop the props and just be.

May 26, 2009

you're not worth losing sleep. my mind has seemed to think the opposite for the past months, but it wouldn't know any better, right? some days i ask myself how we could not be together. other days i am asking myself why i would want to to my self through this. why do i want to be with you? the bottom line is that i'm looking too hard and hoping too hard. i want it too much. it just has to happen. it can't be forced. so i'll wait for you or someone else to come along. at this moment i still want you to be that person, but that's not to say someone won't take your place. i'm living in today too much. i need to have hope for tomorrow. i have to stop thinking that nothing will happen. i know someone will come along.

May 25, 2009

fashion is mindless. style is intelligent. fashion is self-conscious. style is self-assured. this will be a self-indulgent post. how egotistic of me. i get slightly uncomfortable when people call me fashionable or trendy. by uncomfortable, i mean offended. i guess you could say i care about what people think about the way i look. not to such a high extent, but i do watch what i wear. to be trendy and fashionable, is to be normal. to be stylish is to be original. maybe people don't know the difference or care too little to notice. i guess this is one of my little quirks. my brother just has to mention the word generic and i'll probably go back to change my outfit. honestly, that only occurs when i'm coherent, which is less than half the time. usually i internally tell people to go f'ck themselves.

May 24, 2009

if you're not the one then i don't know who is. every intake of air feels likes it's needed when i'm with you because i honestly can't breathe. my breath hitches. my pulse speeds up. i can't keep track of the conversations around me. it's just you. all you. i can't see anything else.

you know the days when you feel like you're never going to find someone else to love? today's not one of those days, but it's interesting to think about -- you know, spending the rest of your life single. it's scary, really...

i want every word i say to have some sort of affect on you. no matter how small or drastic -- just anything to get a reaction. then i'd know i made you feel something. even if it's not love, i want them to be feelings that make you smile.

May 23, 2009

i like waking up. my senses are always clearer. touches are intensified. smells are more aromatic. sights are amplified ten fold. morning light floods in through my window and i always let out a content sigh. i find some of the best stretches are morning stretches. yes, this is whole post is odd. there's usually food being cooked early, so the smells fill my nostrils. my family usually eats breakfast on weekend mornings, it's nice. my hair's never combed, so it can be pretty wild, especially when it's newly cut, short. i look like Einstein's long-lost cousin. it's quite crazy. old events almost always come up. childhood mishaps. family parties. everything. i'm just sitting there chewing my cereal. i try to take everything in and think about how these are the moments i wake up for, the reasons why i like waking up.

May 22, 2009

even if i am not fond of many people in my high school, there are those whom i will actually miss when this year is done. i may say i dislike everyone and everything, but that's a lie -- at most times. i've made memories and laughed so hard that my stomach hurt - many times. the thought of it makes me smile.

i know i'm probably going to make a 'fuck you and goodbye high school' speech when it actually happens, but i'll say some things now, but it does not have to deal with hate.

it deals with me taking alternate routes to my first and fourth period classes to make sure we cross paths. it deals with angst and confusion and infatuation. why do we always run into each other while walking home? i miss seeing you everyday at school. shit.

May 21, 2009

sometimes i wonder what the hell i'm doing here? there's this place we call earth and it's filled with people. a majority of whom are living of off things they don't love to do. i'm afraid i'm going to grow up and become just like these people. it makes me incredibly happy to see people go after what they love. artists. musicians. actors. singers. dancers. all such hard career paths to follow.

please. just stop asking me what i want to do with my life because it brings me to tears that the fact that the answer is 'i don't know'. it hurts even more that, that's just a cover up for the fact that i do know what i want, but i'm too scared to go get it.

i don't think i belong in the math and science world.

art.

May 20, 2009

so this post will be about everything and nothing. let's type...

i hate how you look at me like i'm stupid. please don't try to pry. i'd love to say that i am happy. i'm not. i'd love to say that i'm who i seem to be. i'm not. i'd love to say that i'm comfortable with who i am. i'm not. i'd like to say that everyone of you is lovely. you are not. i am not. i'd like to say that i want to stay friends with you. i don't. i want to get as far away as possible. i need to get out of this town. too many memories. ones that i don't care to keep.

i'd like to say that i don't like you. i'd like to say that i'm 'allowed' to like you. i'm not.

May 19, 2009

we use such small words for such enormous feelings. people always say: 'all you have to say is those three small words'. i guess they don't understand how much weight those three small words carry. saying 'i love you' is giving a part of yourself to another person.

it saddens me when i hear countless couples, who have literally just started going out, say the phrase. it's thrown around time and time again. it's said when someone makes a mistake. i see countless boyfriends and girlfriends pouting at their significant other; using 'i love you' as a remedy. 'But, I love you.' oh please, who are you kidding?

and to the couple who are always near my locker. gosh, i see and hear you two fight everyday. i have heard the phrase and seen the usage of the pout.

May 18, 2009

i don't get why people want to know what everybody's doing. we have these sites keeping track of everything we do. twitter. facebook. blogs. i do all these things, but standing back, it's quite odd.

anyways. i don't know why people pry so much. just stop telling me what to tell you. for fuck's sake, it's annoying.

furthermore, you are the reason behind all these status changes. the ones with heart-felt lyrics from my favourite songs. the ones about pining, angst, sadness -- basically everything i'm experiencing.

now, i'm pretty sure people have gotten the clue. i think i'd point it out if i were someone who knew me. now, if someone would just give me a line to lead me into confession.

how easy it would be to have someone say something to start me off. please do.

May 17, 2009

i can't promise you that, not with this suitcase heart. not now. it's over-packed with this grief that won't stop sticking to the walls; one big mess. i can't love you because it's not healthy. for me and you. i can't love you because i don't exactly love myself.

i can't love myself because i know who i am, yet i won't tell other people. fear. stupidity. nervousness. shyness. stupidity. fear.

my confidant is super supportive and even more enthusiastic about it than me, but i know i won't get that reaction out of everyone. he's the only one who knows.

you know, i wish i grew up in a time / community where i would be okay with who i was. i have yet to cross the boundaries of self-discovery, self-acceptance and complete self-acceptance. i want that.

May 16, 2009

I hope you know when i:

bite my lip and look at you, give you a sip of my coffee, mumble incoherent words when sleeping, rest my head in the nook of your neck, let you have the last fry, arrive on time, walk on the puddle-filled side of the sidewalk, make you mix tapes, let you have the bigger couch, let you use my shoulder as a headrest, play with my left ear, sigh contently, try to keep my heavy eyelids open, leave you the last soda, keep all your letters, pick up your late night calls, twiddle my thumbs, chuckle at nothing, unconsciously look behind me to see if you're still there, write about my deep-seeded feelings, offer words when you don't have any, don't say anything, breathe...

...i really mean 'i love you'.

May 15, 2009

let's just write it. this is going to be weird.

i don't want to hurt at every thought of you. i don't want to die every time you bite your lip. i don't want to stare back when you look at me over the rim of your glasses. i don't want to smile to myself whenever you enter the room. i don't want to feel like this whenever i'm around you; like i'm helpless.

i want skin on skin. i want the ebb and flow of bodies. i want thoughts to be known without saying anything. i want ,well, you. in plain speech. just you. fuck.

and it's not much of a want anymore. i'm starting to think i need it.

the talk of wants is a dangerous thing. especially when you have to wait.

May 14, 2009

my voice and heart are simultaneously cracking. every inch of me aches to the point where i do not feel anymore. fingers no longer search for lost skin. eyes no longer search crowds for familiar shapes. every breath no longer relies on someone's existence.

i'd like to say we would have our happy ending, but there's nothing happy about this end. butterflies. want. heartache. it's what always happens. how do i slow down? i don't know what my heart's telling me anymore. an increase of heartbeats is just a warning. "you're going to get hurt," you say. "yeah, but i'd rather hurt than feel nothing without you." yet, you don't bother to stay because you're smart and you know this mutual fear would end in disaster.

just stay here. i need this from you.

May 13, 2009

you're killing me by loving the person who single-handedly hurts you the most. it's not to say that i think i'm the one for you because i can't give myself that title. all i know is that every time you try to touch them, they cringe. in that instant i curse them for not knowing how lucky they are.

it's sad how this disguise has become a commonplace for me. it's like i'm getting used to the way people want me to be. how banal, mundane, sickening. i feel like if i say anything i'll be sent to some detox camp.

some days i just want someone to call me out on it. then i could break and start putting myself back together sooner. a head start for cleaning up the inevitable mess.

May 12, 2009

i'm fine with being who i am. i can stand the awkward glances and whispers. i can bear being self-aware.

though, i can't stand having my hands and eyes involuntarily searching for something that is not there. i can't stand how every daydream has to have a part of you in it. i can't stand how every heart doodled in my notebook is meant for you.

i'm torn. stuck between reality and dreams. i'd rather be in the clouds, but pains keeps pulling me down back to this so-called real life. i'd love to wake up and talk about everything and nothing. eat boxes of cereal. drink freshly-squeezed orange juice. sit on the couch and watch tv.

no matter what. nothing's going to change that drastically. i'm going to be stuck here.

May 11, 2009

i feel quite helpless knowing wishing won't help this time. all the tape, glue and time can't fix this.

aside from that, why won't you let me like who i want? this is why i don't necessarily like labels. i prefer to be label free. i'll love who i want. i'll live how i want. i'll be whoever i want.

it shouldn't even matter what you think, really. why i care so much, i don't even know? it's one think to have an opinion, but it's a whole different story when you claim you're always right and shove your ideas down my throat. it's not like you'll change what i believe

you may not like who i am, but try to be tolerant and open minded. listen. learn. it won't hurt.

May 10, 2009

so, i have to go back to this boring thing called school tomorrow. i have to deal with all the things i didn't want to deal with. see all the people i don't want to see. i suppose i knew that it would happen, you know, that i would have to come back to all of this eventually. i want this year to be over and done with. then i can get away and never see these faces for a while. again, my semi comfortable issues kick in. all of this is becoming way too repetitive for my liking. i don't want to walk down busy hallways with people who don't know that you're supposed to walk on the right side. i just don't care to be around these people.

May 9, 2009

one of the good things about coming home is the ability to sleep in my own bed again. i love sleeping in my own bed. it's something that's a big part of home. i feel safe in my bed. i dream in my bed. it's one of the places where i don't feel like i have to carry all these burdens on my back. it also has pillows. it feel so good to rest your head down on one when you're having a bad day or when you're exhausted. the blanket keeps you warm and cozy. again, it represents a feeling of safety for me. wow. i'm talking about beds. then there's always family. i missed mine while i was in New York. it was nice seeing them again.

May 8, 2009

it's sad leaving behind a placed that has awed you in so many ways. it's sad to go from such a place and back to somewhere you feel like you just don't belong. you feel like you've been cheated? you ask: why was i placed in such a place? i know there are much worse places, but why am i surrounded by people who make my life a living hell each day without them having to speak any words to my face. it's what they do. the illogical things they believe in. they make my head hurt out of pity. i wonder how they're going to grow up, wake up and become reasonably good people. i'm not God's gift, but can't they be a little bit more respectful?

May 7, 2009

it amazing how talented some people are. the stories behind how they got to where they are, are always so interesting to me. i have the utmost respect for those who worked their way up from nothing. the ones that have the drive to get what they want.

i want to have the determination that they have, but lately it's like nothing can make me do what's good for me. i've lost hope really. i think that's just it. and i don't know how the hell i'm supposed to get it back.

i try to think positive, but it never takes me that far. i go back to thinking depressing though on a twenty-four hour basis. i cry. i whine. i try to get back up. fail.

May 6, 2009

it's quite overwhelming. all of it. the lights. the people. the sounds. the smells. this moment. it's honestly just what i needed. a new scenery. it's so much to take in, yet i feel calm whenever i am walking around. like i am supposed to be here. not necessarily at this time, with these people -- but this place. it's right. i like the hustle and bustle. i like having to run around people. i like that it is a place to be independent and with friends. i am probably just mesmerized and will probably come down from the high later, but for now, i am going to let myself have this moment because it will be a while before something like this happens to me again.

May 5, 2009

i can't help but think this whole situation is changing my mindset; making me see what i want to see. it's making me feel things that i wish i could feel. i think i'm going through all this, but it's some trick that my hope is playing on me. i have too much hope in this situation, that it's bound to fail. i'm forgetting what reality is telling me -- that this can't happen. it knows i won't own up and say something. rejection. humiliation. major heartache. conscience-shattering. everything that this is bound to lead to. no matter how much i want it, the want's not enough right now. though, knowing it's something i should do is kind of giving me a little push forward. hope.

May 4, 2009

sometimes i wonder if putting my heart on a hook and fishing rod would be a clear sign for you. i laugh and realize that would not even be enough. not only is that thought painful and disturbing, it also makes me realize that the bait sucks -- for you at least.

and then there are times like these where i think -- why the hell am i comparing my love life, or lack thereof, to fishing?

and why is everything these days accentuating my unhappiness? is this the greater universe's way of saying 'fuck you'.

whatever this is -- i need to get out of it. it's wrecking daily routines and i'm more misanthropic than usual. the majority of people are just not my thing lately.

May 3, 2009

i wish it could be simple for me. you know, to not have to think about it. to have it seem like something normal to everyone's ears and not something foreign and disturbing. though, i can't make that happen for everyone. i'm not going to 'make' it happen for anyone. i can't. i'm me. people are supposed to accept me for who i am as long as i'm not a harm to myself or others. and i'm not. i'm just seen as the enemy to a bunch of close-minded people. you don't have to like me or be my best friend. i could care less -- but be tolerant. it's not like any of us choose to be who we are. we just are.

May 2, 2009

do i feel betrayed? i would not see it as that extreme, but it's somewhere close to it. maybe it's just because i thought i was making some sort of progress. one major step forward. one major step back. i guess the whole comfort thing is kicking in for me again. i'm probably going to leave this soon. once there's any sign of trouble, i bail.

it's all quite fine really. i've been quite apathetic when i break friendships, relationships, the rest of the -ships. could it be a sign that all of them meant nothing? or am i really quite the misanthrope?

is it weird that someone i'm supposedly close to can say 'i hate you' without me batting an eyelash?

May 1, 2009

when things get too comfortable. i tend to leave. i end up getting sick of you, drop everything and just go.

i practically run, if i think it's for the best. this time i think it's most definitely for the best. the fact that i can't stand to be near you should have told me something a long time ago. you were trying to get too close. with me it's not a matter of trying, it just happens.

now, i could never get sick of being comfortable with you. i think everyone should be jealous because we steal all these perfect moments for ourselves.

hidden behind daydream-dreary eyes are quiet moments in coffee shops, long autumn walks and park swing talks.

April 30, 2009

today is a 'i kind of hate you now' day. i could say i disliked you before, but now you're just being a big turd. i don't get how you work or how you get off. maybe you're really confused or you intentionally want to fuck with everyone's heads. it's not very smart. it's quite stupid really -- to think that you could get away with this and have people pity you after wards. i don't pity you. i can barely look at you now without a look of disgust. the bottom line is that you set yourself of to be knocked down.

the one that wanted you, you gave away and everyone you want, wants nothing to do with you.

April 29, 2009

i wish i knew that i was the thing that you were looking for.

you know, the indescribable object that would make you tick and vice versa.

i know i keep describing you as an object, but i'm still trying to figure out how else i can describe you.

possibly a feeling? one that you can and cannot go without at the same time?

why define something that i have yet to find the definition of? i won't know what love means to me until i have found it. sure, i have found love in my family, though i seem to be lacking that sort of luck in relationships.

no rush. i'll take things as they come. just breathe.

April 28, 2009

you make my heart hurt.

you make it feel too many things at once.

i like you so much that everything pales in comparison. your hurts outweigh theirs and same with your pros.

anything comes first if it has to deal with you.

i guess it's bad that i'm putting myself through this voluntarily. it must show some sort of masochistic aspects in me. sad. or this could just be vulnerability seeping out at a time when i feel talking about it will help -- having these words on record for me to see. tomorrow i may regret writing this...

if people said it was wrong to want you because it hurt, i'd be wrong everyday of my life.

April 27, 2009

you know, i've played this game so many times before.

i've tried to play differently each time.

yet, i still end up with the same result.

no matter what i do, it all leads back to the same thing.

there's no way i can win because you always make me lose. it really wouldn't matter how many times i played? would it? you'll be there, finding utter delight in my loss. to you, life is beautiful because of all the pain in it.

i've accepted it. i'll always end up falling when i think i'm pretty close to the top. it

it is amazing how right i was when i said you would only cause me trouble.

April 26, 2009

this entry is to many people. this is an entry full of 'fuck you's and 'i really like you's.

i want you to stop being such a meek and nasty little piece of crap that bothers me at every moment i am in proximity of you. i really dislike you. i will never go out with you. you are a manipulator and you try too hard. you are an example of when persistence is taken too far. you're dense and i don't get the way you think. just stay the fuck away from me.

now, to another person. i want you. it's really that simple.

that felt quite good. now to say it to your faces.

April 25, 2009

it's weird when you dunk your head under water. everything sounds cloudy, yet so clear. the vibrations ring against your ear drum. you can hear your heart beating. lub-dub. lub-dub. i guess that's how you could describe the sound.

isn't it weird. your heart. one muscle running it all. it's funny how we associate love with our heart when it's really our brains and a whole bunch of signals and chemicals that make us feel things. though, without the heart, nothing would function. that's why i guess.

if the heart equals love, then it equals: happiness, enthrallment, lust, contentment, sadness, rage, confusion and pain.

how funny that it can make you feel so many things...

April 24, 2009

some days i feel like it's not worth it.

the wait. the constant pining. the letdowns.

if i think about the possibilities, there's not much of a chance for anything. i also notice that i may be more infatuated. it's been about two years since this happened. the same symptoms. it's gotten to the point where it feels -- comfortable.

the comfort of knowing that there's no chance of getting what you want.

the truth is that it hurts. it really does. all of it. everything about this. everything about you hurts.

you're the fee my heart's not willing to pay.

too bad tomorrow it will go back to the way it was. the want.

April 23, 2009

i dislike orange and yellow starbursts and skittles.

for some reason i want you to know that.

i want to have a way with words around you. sadly, every time i wanted to say something my mouth would flutter open and then close. puffs of air replace words that are supposed to be so eloquently spoken. words that would make you feel -- something.

lately, i've started to feel that you're everything i want -- but just don't need.

presently, it may seem that i can't live without you, you know, with all these lines describing my pining. could it be one big ruse that will pass?

i wish i could just figure you out.

April 22, 2009

I won't let you think so highly of yourself anymore.

I know you think you're the absolute shit.

God's gift to women...actually everyone...

...you're totally the opposite.

I do not get how you can walk around with your head so high when everyone thinks so lowly of you. Can you not see it?

You take conversations where they should not be taken. You turn the most common and innocent gestures into gestures that are so utterly uncomfortable. Your touches make me squirm. Just stay away. I've said it to your face before.

It's sad because you choose to believe you are doing nothing. You should know that's a sad and disturbing lie.

April 21, 2009

This is my life and maybe, however unrealistic, I’ll find my way back there.

'There' being the time when being around you was easy. When it did not hurt to have my heart beat in your presence. When everything and everyone paled in comparison.

Will you be there if I get back?

My fingertips are aching for lost touch. My ears miss the comfortable silence between us. My eyes search for something that's no longer there.

I'm sitting here, trying to find elaborate ways to tell the world how I feel about you. I think it's best to say things straight and simple. So I will. I miss you a lot.

April 20, 2009

is love a lie?

i'm still waiting for someone to call it's bluff.

in the mean time. whenever i write about you, i want each and every word to have its own heartbeat. i want the words to thrive. every page will be full of life. i like to think you're the reason behind all of it.

i don't want to rush it, yet i don't want it to go by too slow. i honestly want it to go by in a way where it's enough. it's really enough that a person like you even exists.

you fill me with words that are begging to be said to your face.

April 19, 2009

Dear someone I will eventually drop everything for,

I love you more than I am scared of telling everyone the truth. That is why I have told people the truth. I recognize that it is the only way we could be together. I can now love you fully. Honestly. In a way you deserve. You are the reason my heart speeds up when I hear keys jingle outside the door. I am intoxicated by your mere presence. I ask myself what the hell I did to deserve you and why the hell you put up with me. I am grateful. More than you will ever know.

Love, Future me.

April 18, 2009

i feel that the problem with heartache is that i find it hard to remember how i felt before. all the pain in the present overshadows any good memories and i am left to sulk there in a puddle of pessimism. at these times i seek people who i know are bad for me. i go to them because they'll tell me what i want to hear. compliments. sweet talk. how right i am. it's cruel because in reality i know just how wrong it is. how horrible i am for doing this to them and myself. i'm feeding off their kindness that i really don't care for.

April 17, 2009

i do not get how you function. and i do not mean that in the sense where it is a compliment. i told you i do not like you, yet you are a persistent little thorn in my side. i do not pride you on your vigor because you're stupid. you do not know when to stop. i clearly do not want anything to do with you in that sense. i'll spell it out. i am not attracted to you in any way. i do not wish to be a part of your life in that sense. i've written about this so many times. get over it.

April 16, 2009

you know those days where everything is a nuisance. well, today is one of those days. some days i wonder why the hell i deal with some people. sometime i wake up hoping that those people just don't go to school. they're real piss-er-uppers. my already throbbing head feels like it's going to burst from the sheer annoyance. i don't care about your newest conquest or about where you see yourself in five years. i won't talk to you anymore, shut it. i know i sound cynical, i really am, but gosh, will you please give me a break and not bore me with your words.

April 15, 2009

it is hard to put on a smile when it feels like your insides are being torn out. it is even harder when everything inside cannot come out. i know i have been writing about self-discovery and hiding who you are. it has just been a really big issue for me lately.i will make it easier for myself and start with this journey of telling the world who i really am. i am not who you think i have been for all these years. there. i said it. vague, i know. though it is a start and i would rather start now rather than later.

April 14, 2009

let's talk about your voice. actually, likable voices in general. i love listening to you talk about everything and nothing and the way the end of all your words sound groggy. i love how your voice is super raspy. your voice makes things seem brighter and right all at the same time. then there are your breathy sighs and your irresistible laughs. both would make anyone melt on sight. your voice is also tunnel-vision-inducing. yeah, it's that awesome. there are never too many things to say about this voice of yours. too bad the only words i'll ever hear you say are 'i'm sorry'.

April 13, 2009

at times i think you try to get a rise out of me because you think that's the only way i'll pay attention to you. i'll never see you the way you wish i would. maybe it's unfortunate for you, but i could really care less. you're one of those people who i could bear to lose. pretty harsh eh? well, i think you've only set yourself up for heartache thus far. i think i made everything quite clear when i said it would never happen. why do you try to pry into my personal space still? you're looking for lost hope. stop.

April 12, 2009

maybe one day you could hug me. out of happiness. our of fear. out of boredom. love, even. i'm hoping it will be because of the latter. i can only hope to wake one morning with your face being the first thing i see. your eyelids heavy and eyes just saying hello to the sunlight; adjusting. pupils dilate, breaths get more conscious, heart beats faster. that smirk on your face will be the only image i keep in mind for the day. your name will constantly be scrawled in my notebook and reminders of you will fill my pages; diminishing everything else.

April 11, 2009

i'm feeling kind of lost lately. i've been trying to get my feet back on the ground. i feel like i'm not really part of this world. not in the extra-terrestrial sense, but in some other way. i'm deliriously floating through each day, hoping to end up somewhere where i will be happy. content even. i'll have someone to be truly close to. we'll take walks in the park and revel just in life itself. we'll never fall into much of a routine because everyday will be the chance for something new and refreshing. most importantly, we will be happy together.

April 10, 2009

i feel like some small piece that's out of place is some vast world. some days i just want to pack up everything and leave. no goodbyes or two week notices. just go. i feel like i have lost myself in everyday routines, places, people. i do not know why i associate myself with a lot of people or why i let them get in my personal space. it is not like i trust half of them. i tend to feel the need to put out in order to get something. i'm cutting down a lot on that though. privacy.

April 9, 2009

please keep making mistakes. i think it is the only reason why i talk to you; to tell you what your are doing wrong. it is because of your flaws that we are friends. i find it sad that this is how it will always be. you'll make a mistake and you'll ask me how to fix it. after it's fixed, i will not hear from you until your next problem. i find it weird how i do not really mind. maybe it is because i like answering questions for people; helping them with their problems. f**k up often.

April 8, 2009

i should just jump in. i think i have become delusional due to the lack of sleep. i think i have been more stressed than usual. i never get enough sleep. after mass on friday, i am definitely crashing. i need to catch up on rest. i want to go out, but i can't. i need sleep. i already find it hard to focus at certain parts of the school day, but with this deprivation of sleep, i do not know what is going on. my eyelids are drooping and i'm constantly trying to sneak tiny naps in.

April 7, 2009

i like lying on the grass while looking up at the clouds; trying to name the color of blue that the sky is. i like our autumn talks because it is when the only weight there is, is that of our hoodies. i like sitting on benches during the summer while we make odd commentary about people who walk by. i like being with you, even if i am not 'with' you. i like being with you even if i do not know who you are. i like being with you even if you do not exist.

April 6, 2009

i do not like guys with even the slightest super ego. i do not want to hear about how much you can drink or how much pot you have smoked. you'll just give me another reason to roll my eyes and scoff. then there are you guys that constantly talk about your darn cocks. get over yourselves. it's sad how much i hear that word within an hour. how androcentric must your lives be? you have penises, great? the way you talk about females is also disgusting. i hope your next girlfriend realizes you're a douche.

April 5, 2009

Are there not those day where you just sit and think? I seem to do this profusely; my head always up in the clouds. During school, in bed, on the toilet. Thoughts tend to lean in one direction recently. Love. Companionship. I want to be able to run away with you. I do not even know who you are right now. Just jump out of nowhere and bump into me. I will have that tunnel vision moment and make a fool out of myself. We will fall in love, the end. How sad. Dream on.

April 4, 2009

"i love you. most ardently." how profound. i would melt into a puddle if someone said that to me. to have the feelings mutual would be even better. i want so many things, but i never ask for half of the them - if i am able to, within reason. i know a lot of the time i do not make any sense, but god, believe me when i say that i really want to say this more than many things right now. it would have solved things earlier. made me feel more like myself.

April 3, 2009

'i need you so much closer.' god, can that be any more true? i don't even know who you are. i. want. you. whoever you are, please come soon. you could be anyone and i mean 'anyone'. you're giving me a headache without even existing yet. too many hours are spent thinking about who you are. where you are. when you'll walk into my life. i want to talk to you in the backseat till the sunrise's rays flood through the back window. i'll give a content-filled sigh. that's too perfect, isn't it?

April 2, 2009

i make choices that i'll regret everyday. i am living a sort of lie everyday. everyone who knows me knows that i have a very 'f**k you' mentality. and i do have strong beliefs and stand up for them, but with this issue i say things because i'm covering it up. i need to make it look like i'm the opposite of what i am. it's sad, but i'm insecure. i hate caring about what people think. i know there's never a better time than now. better out than it. oh well.

April 1, 2009

this is to everyone and nobody. you said we'd stick together forever. we both knew you lied in that moment. there was no way someone like you could use the word 'forever' and mean it. i think you've rubbed off on me actually. i find myself saying 'not' whenever i make promises of 'forever'. i'm now the one that has the unconscious eye rolls and small scoffs hidden behind smiling eyes. this cynical mentality of yours is quite contagious. i love to see the negativity of the world because of you.

March 31, 2009

enamored by this, i can't not keep having these images on loop in my head. it's a bit silly, this whole feelings business. i could like you one minute, then despise you another. there's this incessant need to write the contents of my head onto paper. the contents of my heart onto paper. i like you just because and i despise you because there's so much to that 'just'. you manage to make me ramble more than usual. make my heart beat faster than usual; hurt more than usual. stop.

March 30, 2009

let's just talk. i don't even care if i'm sappy. nobody would ever imagine me pining for someone right now. everyone thinks i am content. i will never say anything to your face because i am scared shitless. this is new. very new. it's been a while since we have seen each other. we don't even talk to each other. i always have to wait until our paths cross. until i'm graced with this rare occasion. i need to get over this or face this. i wanna face this.

March 29, 2009

i guess for the pass three years i've said i was fine with being single. maybe it's the weather or the serious increase in couple-ish behaviour around me, but i now want to have a significant other. i want to make mix tapes. cheesy and random notes. i'm kind of freaking myself out. i like, now liked, being alone. i miss the closeness. the intimacy. feeling. i don't want it to be like last time though. i'm looking for something totally different. something that feels right. is right.

March 28, 2009

my lights are out. it's earth hour. it's sad to look outside; all these lights still on. i looked at Time Square and it's basically pitch black. come on guys. le sigh. anyways. i spent the majority of the day lying down, listening to music. it was relaxing. the day went by quick. i thought it would be the opposite. doing nothing usually results in long, dragged out afternoons. i know i have a lot to do this week. when i dread things, time goes by fast.

March 27, 2009

if i ask you to stay, know that i mean it. i don't ask people to stay unless i actually do. sure, there are times when someone is about to leave a get-together and i tell them to stay just for the sake of saying it. though when i look at you in the eyes and ask you to stay. i mean it. i do. why do i have to be so reassuring? i'm usually the one pushing people away. it's kind of hard to believe.

March 26, 2009

please don't advocate for others. i'm so sick of this mass conscience that i get dragged into. i'm so sick of your hypothetical bullshit. there's nothing wrong with it. it's not a choice. i'm so sick of talking in metaphors and with phrases with hidden meanings just so that i'm not judged. i don't say anything because i don't wanna deal with this; not now at least. maybe when i'm in a different setting. one that doesn't seem so damn hostile. look at this denial.

March 25, 2009

I don't think I've known what pining fully was until I saw you for the first time in what feels like forever. you came out of nowhere and it's like you have never left. there's still those awkward glances. we never say anything to each other. we just walk; accepting the fact that it will be awkward until one of us grows a pair. we might not even be thinking the same thing. i hope we are though. something inside tells me we are.

March 24, 2009

it's refreshing to be in the presence of such talented people. the arts are capable of doing so much. i commend every single artist. the happiness you have in doing your art definitely transcends to your audience. your emotions, music and paintings. everything. i just saw Spring Awakening and i'm going on a listening spree of the soundtrack, just like months ago. seeing it in the flesh was awesome. i can't wait to see a show on Broadway. it's going to be amazing.

March 23, 2009

i feel like every time it's looking up, i get pushed back down. the worst things is that it's my fault. i'm not pulling my weight. i'm not being practical. what's wrong with me? what's happened? i've never been content with myself. ever. even when i was doing well in school. i lost my drive when i entered high school. i didn't care. i don't think i care enough even now at a crucial time. i need to get my drive back.

March 22, 2009

i hate all these face-saving promises that i'm making with myself. they're not really doing anything productive for me. they may be blocking me from the hurt, but they're also intensifying the hurt i'll have to face later on. i'm picturing all the fallen faces and gasps. all these things could get out of my way now. three words to clarify everything. a part of them probably has some sort of clue. probably don't want to mention it. make it real.

March 21, 2009

i was walking home with my eyes closed and staring into the sky. it was sunny. behind closed eyelids i could still see light. the light flickered every time a tree branch got in the way of the sun's rays. a mini show that i could only see. lovely really. it's these simple things that i love. the sound of someone's raspy voice. playing with paperclips. walking to the beat of the thing in my chest. knowing there's something beating.

March 20, 2009

can we call it quits with this thing they call friendship? between you and i, at least. i don't want you to be a part of my life and i'm quite sure you don't need me in yours. maybe one day we can be written back into each others' stories. for now let's only exist as those annoying eraser bits. reminders of what used to be. put down the props and just be. live it. love it. lose it.

March 19, 2009

wouldn't it be nice if we could all have happy endings? no, I don't think so. where would all those lovely and angst-driven quotes about heartache come from? having your heart broken is a great muse. you're at a point where you are raw. it feels like something has literally been ripped out of you. something's missing. it's worse when you realize that nothing has been ripped out at all. that it was a figment of your imagination.

March 18, 2009

you're slowly etching a fissure in my heart. you don't even know you're doing it, do you? you don't have to do anything and you'll still be doing it. technically, it's my fault for even thinking about it. i don't think i'd be able to put my brain or heart on pause. it's not possible to not think about you at least once a day. it's just something my mind's grown accustomed to. something it hopes for.

March 17, 2009

i contemplate how people are going to act when/if i tell them. it's going to be the time to tell people eventually. there will be shocked people. cold people. happy people. understanding people. complacent people. whatever people. disappointed people. i'm expecting the worse. i just want it to be done and over with, but if that was true i'd have done it already. right? so, there's a part of me that finds the secrecy quite comforting....

March 16, 2009

i'd like to say that this is ridiculous. your perspective was obviously skewed because even i'm not that rude. i would never inadvertently point at someone and say such rude things. i feel like i'm being talked down upon when i have done nothing wrong. i feel like a lesson was being said when i did not need it. it didn't even happen. you can't see past your own ideas. you have to be right.

March 15, 2009

i don't get how or why this could be wrong. i'm sitting here making a sit of pros and cons in my head and it's not making sense. i can't see how it's different. it's not like these inner debate have not happened before. they've occurred since early childhood. it helped that i was raised with older siblings. i found out things earlier than others; exposed, corrupted, freed. whatever you wish to call it.

March 14, 2009

this feeling is elating at times and deflating at others. i'm glad this infatuation is dwindling. i can concentrate on the task at hand without having your name relay in my head. i still wish for you at every amber light. like that will help, right? i know it's all in my head, but my heart tells me otherwise. can we just get out of here now? let's hope it gets bearable soon.

March 13, 2009

i guess it's not really a 'when', but really an 'if'. i don't don't if it will happen. right now it's not something i'm looking for. i'm going to do the classic teenage experimentation. it sounds weird to call it that and i'm pretty confident in my current beliefs about myself. i wonder if anyone will mention it before i have to say it. it'll eventually come out. all in due time.

March 12, 2009

i don't know why i keep fucking things up. i keep letting myself get pulled into this cycle. i'm the cat, you're the mouse. you're the only one i want to chase. you have this grip on me. gosh, you're not even anywhere to be found, yet i find myself i'm looking at empty benches and bus stops to see if somehow, someday you'll be standing there will your headphones on.

March 11, 2009

i find myself sitting on the kitchen floor ofter, enjoying the short burst of cold when my supposed pajama-covered ankle hits the familiar tiles. i like eating Fruit Loops while lying on my fridge, waking up at 3am to drink cold glasses of water. i love mornings where nobody's up yet and i'm the only one sitting at the table; then there is the rustling of feet, and i smile.

March 10, 2009

joy. today's number of words is sixty nine. i'm just going to ramble about again. i am super stressed. i feel like something's crumbling, but i do not know what exactly. i just want to get out of here and have this year end. i feel like i'm just not good enough. i could get up, but i let myself get knocked down, repeatedly. it's so hard. just breathe.

March 9, 2009

stop making grunting noises and faking coughs as some signal for me to move. if you want to get by then say something. one day i'm going to block your way on purpose so you talk to me. this goes for everyone else somehow. if you want to tell me something, don't make odd gestures or try to gain my attention, only to look away after you have.

March 8, 2009

i am annoyed by people more than usual. light hurts my eyes more than usual. breathing feels like a nuisance more than usual. writing these words for this project seems pointless. so i'll just write to fill this space. i'll slap on a smile tomorrow. i swear this gig is getting way too boring. blah blah blah. my last words will not be blah. fill in space.

March 7, 2009

let's run red lights together. green lights have become so overrated. i won't tell myself that there won't be problems because i know there will be. i know it's not your fault. it's not mine either. i guess this is what we've been given. i don't see why it's such a big deal. i never have, nor will. let's run them over on our way out.

March 6, 2009

let's get our stories straight. let's think before we talk. let's just face what we have to straight on. don't take shortcuts and don't cover up the truth. just talk face to face. i guess that instead of doing this you're twisting reality to fit to your liking. i just don't know anymore. how can i believe the words that come out of your mouth?

March 5, 2009

I'm just getting so tired of having to watch where my eyes are and all my movements and what I say, so people cannot figure me out. I love analyzing people, yet I don't like when others try to figure me out. I sugarcoat so nobody ever has the whole story. i like having nobody, except a select someone, who knows everything about me.

March 4, 2009

i find myself laughing during the times when i am utterly stress. i find myself laughing when i'm actually really hurt. it's not that i just can't stop laughing, but sometimes it hurts to do anything else. i numb everything by shrugging it off. i can act like i don't care to make myself believe that that is the truth, when it's not.

March 3, 2009

this is the only thing that keeps me grounded. so, i will write these words to get everything out. the words i will never say will go down on pieces of paper to be hidden from the human eye. the ink will smudge and the pages will tear; willfully. i hope you understand, it's not that i don't trust you, actually...i don't.

March 2, 2009

i'd like to hide under a rock and hide there for the rest of the week. there are just so many things that i have to deal with. there are people who want so many things from me. there are so many things that i want for myself. i am going to be so happy once i get out of here.

March 1, 2009

i could tell you that everything is sunshine and rainbows, but i'd be telling a lie. the truth is that it's not always going to be a good day. one of us will get fed up with the other and we'll need alone time. one day we just won't be able to stand each other anymore. we'll part. it's okay.

February 28, 2009

the next time i see this as an issue i'll tell you...again. i swear i told you that it was a problem before. i guess you didn't get the hint. people need their personal space and you're totally invading. i really hope you don't think it's okay. if you do that's very scary. you're not god's gift to women.

February 27, 2009

just say that you'll stay. i'll take you up on the promise you made all those years ago. i doubt you'll remember exactly what you said, but i remember every word that you swore would never be forgotten. it's been years and i know the words have drifted away. i'm pretty sure the words simply left your lips.

February 26, 2009

You feel so insecure about yourself that you need people to reassure you all the time. The diminishing friendship we never had is not worth these silly games you keep playing. Get real or get out of my life. Someday people will get tired and you will be left to chase yourself in the circle you created.

February 25, 2009

let's build ourselves our own sandcastle. i will make the towers and you can start the mote. we'll work all day on it and even add little windows. we can decorate it with seashells and strands of algae. it will make us happy, but eventually people will destroy it and the water will wash it away.

February 24, 2009

sometimes i think and feel sad about leaving some relationships behind. this is the year when all the friends you once had separate and then the collapsing of bridges begins. it is not necessarily on purpose...people just go. there are some people who i want to leave behind. they are just not worth the effort.

February 23, 2009

if i let you in will you promise to not hollow out my heart? leave me there as an empty shell? for we all know i am my heart. i refuse to wear it on my sleeve in fear of wear and tear. i'll promise to love and keep yours cradled in my hands.

February 22, 2009

you try to pry me open, only to leave me there to pine for touch after you have stripped me bare. you expect me to trust you wholeheartedly when you give nothing. why must you be so cumbersome in regards to how much of the little bit you show people of yourself? why?

February 21, 2009

i'll work up the nerve to talk to you when my heart doesn't feel like it's going to burst out of my chest. when my eyes don't dart from your face to some inadequate object. when i don't feel the need to constantly lick my lips. when the words just come; unforced.

February 20, 2009

instead of asking what's wrong with myself...i'll skip the self-deprecation and bury myself in something else. i'll lose myself in the dust collecting on my book collection. the swirling of water's reflection on the ceiling of my English class. the feeling of my chest rising and falling. the simplest simple things.

February 19, 2009

what happens when some you love doesn't feel the same? you try to stop loving them. go through a sort of withdrawal where everything's a shade of gray when you want things to be black and white. you want to switch it to off, but the only option is on.

February 18, 2009

i finally feel like i'm on track. hours once spent doing nothing are now being filled. it feels like i have meaning in my life again. i go to sleep without worrying about something the next day and i wake up without feeling like i have not fulfilled anything.

February 17, 2009

i don't want anything conditional from you. i don't want anything that you have to give unless there are no circumstances. i don't want your word because your word means nothing. your word is as thin as ice and i feel like i'm going to fall through soon.

February 16, 2009

your face was the same shade of red as your face was when we first met. it was the shade of confusion and embarrassment. i always notice small intricacies, but yours always seems to stand out. the hallways seem a bit smaller now you're not in them.

February 15, 2009

these thoughts are supposedly so taboo. images float through my mind; burned there for punishment. the sights, the smells, the damn sensations that tempt someone who could go under in a second. i can't have it no matter how much it makes me throb; creates want.

February 14, 2009

on a day that we are supposed to associate with love, i'm not feeling too great. i was never into this commercial activity of focusing on love for a day. love your significant others all day, everyday. say 'i love you' every chance you get.

February 13, 2009

i have to watch what i say in front of certain people. there are those that will lie and twist my words around. it's not like i didn't know this, but i wasn't being careful enough. it's sad how it has come to this.

February 12, 2009

there will only be so many chances that i can get. i just keep screwing up, always expecting for things to turn out well in the end. maybe i will not get it until there is no chance of getting my happy ending.

February 11, 2009

i want to put my headphones on and look out the window. i don't want to hear your voice because it makes this real. I don't feel up to awkward conversations. i don't, nor do i want to, feel up to you.

February 10, 2009

i wonder if you do the things you do for a cheap thrill. are you so insecure that you have to cause useless drama in order to get attention? grow a pair and just say what you want. i'll be apathetic.

February 9, 2009

i don't get why you're pulling people into a problem that doesn't concern them. you try to pull others into your abyss of over-dramatics. i just roll my eyes and walk because it's just so silly; these games of yours.

February 8, 2009

it's funny how easily i can find people to replace my musings of you, but at the end of the day i get dragged back to thoughts of you. the temporary muses have aspects of you, but aren't you.

February 7, 2009

this melody floating softly between us is the only noise in this room. it's a bit uncomfortable, but i would rather be feeling this than nothing when i'm with you. i need you to make me feel something.

February 6, 2009

i think you are mistaking me for someone that you wish i could be. i am not sorry for being one of your so-called disappointments. i just wish you would see past your own illusions. today maybe.

February 5, 2009

i want to have a plethora of things that we will only understand. secret underpinnings that tie us tightly together. i want the moments you love the most to have a part of me in them.

February 4, 2009

there's only so much you can say and even then it's not enough. i hate the fact that i feel like i've spilled my guts out, but still have those thorns stuck in my side.

February 3, 2009

sometimes there's the nuisance of a heart beat. your heart betrays what you want others to think. it beats so fast when you only want the one causing such a reaction to not notice.

February 2, 2009

i'll work my way out of the middle by helping you first. oh the trials you must face because of who you are and what you do. let's start with how you're feeling...

February 1, 2009

i realize that my memories cannot be kept in megabytes and memory cards. these moments that my heart labors over cannot be relived, but stay put in my head on constant replay.

January 31, 2009

i spent a year falling in love with you, but the falling never stopped. it was never just love. while i'm trying to catch myself, i'm desperately forcing myself not to.

January 30, 2009

i love the immediate flash of hurt that falls upon your face when i don't acknowledge your presence and how nonchalant you seem when i'm actually getting under your skin.

January 29, 2009

so, yes....i feel like being in a relationship again, but not with you. i am left with the familiar feel of pity; this time it is not worth worrying.

January 28, 2009

it's so obvious and you're completely oblivious. maybe you are unaware of everything, but i'm aware of every single flinch that takes you out of your hiding place.

January 27, 2009

everything around me screams out everything that reminds me of you. i'll use the shortcut because i know i'll get home faster; able to mend the ache.

January 26, 2009

let's not pinpoint where the hurt is, so that i can last one more day without having to look at you in total disdain; sans remorse

January 25, 2009

i'll sulk when we walk side by side because you're getting the wrong idea. i can't be with you the way you want me to.

January 24, 2009

i have yet to have that moment where i can say that we are on the same page and we could both be committed.

January 23, 2009

i'm wondering if you could be the one to eat breakfast on the porch with me while it's freezing outside; our noses frozen.

January 22, 2009

when i'm like this, it makes everything seem ten-fold. your laughter's too much. your sighs seem exasperated. i over analyze everything said.

January 21, 2009

i just won't say anything to you because you seem to take everything i say and make it your life's philosophy.

January 20, 2009

let's let this pass. there are bigger things to worry about. what seemed big at the time, is minuscule later.

January 19, 2009

you are everything i'm not. save both of our time and don't even try to duplicate what you can't.

January 18, 2009

the school newspaper is giving me an aneurysm. i want to sleep, but this has to get done.

January 17, 2009

as your slow glance passes, my heart speeds up and i want to press the rewind button.

January 16, 2009

i do not love you, but the whole world seems empty when you are not around.

January 15, 2009

okay. so i do care. it's at the point where i think i might laugh.

January 14, 2009

let's try to pretend left is right and vice versa. maybe we'll get somewhere.

January 13, 2009

with no words - just a glance, you made this day bearable for me.

January 12, 2009

and how am i suppose to live like this and stay silent?

January 11, 2009

you say that you are worried about me. i'm worried too.

January 10, 2009

i'll take your whispered sweet nothings and bottle them up.

January 9, 2009

i just think that you are a lovely person.

January 8, 2009

pink clouds are cascading across the sky tonight.

January 7, 2009

you could be part of my story.

January 6, 2009

you have a way with words.

January 5, 2009

let's talk about downtown expeditions.

January 4, 2009

see with your heart.

January 3, 2009

Scared of applying.

January 2, 2009

Simple thrills.

January 1, 2009

Misanthropic.