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Just so.
Following directions.
Icanhas
I am present to this moment without judgement or attachment.
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August 11, 2008
Woot! It's sixty nine day! Too bad the hormones make me not wanna fuck anything. It'd sure be nice if I had a libido; I miss it. I miss being able to summon that prana at will, throwing myself into the maelstrom of sensation, emerging tousled yet unscathed. The blessing of poly allows for those needs to be met elsewhere; the catch is risk of losing prime to second.
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August 10, 2008
Guess I didn't get round to this yesterday, darnit. I did manage to write several hundred words on the other one, though, so I feel fairly well absolved. Part of the point of this journal is to be able to commit and follow directions (at least in terms of word counting). I am compliant in that, at least, if nothing else. Kinda maddening, the constriction, yet a comfort.
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August 9, 2008
Just noticed how this reminds me of a lifepattern. Looking at history: all calendar pages green, appearing as though I've been daily diligent. I force myself to remember that some of those were done 3 or 4 to a day. No matter how it looks, I know how I did it, and when I fell short. But the darned ego prefers to see itself as perfectly compliant.
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August 8, 2008
The GRE looms. Torn today between studying outright and prepping for the schools who will receive the result. Since the harder thing seems to be sending out the emails that give my schools of choice a heads up about my intent to apply, I guess that's what I'll be doing first. Even with a meeting tonight, I should be able to do both, if I plough.
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August 7, 2008
120 someodd words later, I'm caught up through today, at least here. Perhaps the other is a failed experiment; not enough boundaries to succeed. Always good to have options. Beisdes, this one gives me the cookie of a green bar once a day, which is perfect for someone wondering when they will be who they are instead of who they think they're supposed to be.
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August 6, 2008
I get one new word a day. Just one to add to the mix, creating the capacity to weave ever more complex sentences. But I know for a fact that doesn't mean my content is any better. It just means I'm saying whatever it is I'm saying with more words, more flowers, more smoke, more mirrors. Not a complicated operation by any mind stretch.
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August 5, 2008
Wow. What is it that makes discipline fall by the wayside? I have this memory of having gotten my green bars all lined up here, and now, today, I find myself 3 days in arrears. Where did discipline to scribble, on a keyboard, a few lousy little words get off to? Seriously, this isn't hard to do. It's only a feew little words.
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August 4, 2008
Caught up at last, even if it is at the expense of my GRE study time. I am dreadful about sticking to things I can't care about--like math. Ew. Ick. Math. Bleh. Must remember to practice the other sections as well; I perceive that getting cocky with this beast is the best likely way to fail the crap out of it. Meh.
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August 3, 2008
Technically, this is Sunday's entry. What's the old saw about Sunday's child? I can't recall at the moment. Something super spiffy, I'm sure, especially within a Christian context. But for a Jew, Sunday is really Monday, because Saturday is the Sabbath. So Monday is Tuesday, and each day has a mate, except for the Sabbath, to whom God gave people mates.
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August 2, 2008
I know I missed a couple days, but having to clear five red calendar pages seems excessive. That means the last time I wrote was, um, Wednesday last. And I know that's not correct. I might have flaked Thursday, but I know I didn't flake on Wednesday. And I couldn't possibly have written one damn thing on this last Saturday.
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August 1, 2008
Gee, seems like I've been busy lately. Apparently, I've been too busy to keep up with my journal. I guess that means that this is sort of filler; once a day is gone, I can't go back and get it, I can't write from that date. Goes to show: time is the biggest nonrenewable resource there is for us.
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July 31, 2008
A marvelous morning, thrifting about for pieces and parts for the wedding present, which is a collaborative art project, which we started the other day at the beach, with picture taking. I'm hoping this'll be a lovely piece, that they will like it lots and lots. Hard with her, given how creative she is in her own right.
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July 30, 2008
Body fatigue plagues me today, made more irritating because of the to-do list I have in front of me. But just like any other full plate, all I can do is one bite at a time. Right now, it's taking a pause from rearranging the library, preparation for the semester's start. It pays, being organized at beginnings.
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July 29, 2008
One of those surreal days; not quite all present in any particular variation or possible reality. Gorgeous sunny morning that I hope will turn into a gorgeous sunny afternoon; be nice to go to the beach and let the dog have a romp. I could make plans, but I bet they'd go cattywompus anyway; why worry?
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July 28, 2008
Bit bumpy, what with dropping off the dog and the cost. I hear tell times like this is when one gets to discover exactly how one's faith structure works, and certainly a proving ground for the effects of a faith practice. I may not know what's coming, but know SOMETHING is; something always happens next.
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July 27, 2008
"...and summer's lease hath all too short a date..." as was abundantly evinced yesterday. Bu the time I had written (ebulliently) 53 times 'summer' it would have been all gray and cloudy again. Bleh. It was painful: I spent 2 hours on the fone with sprint watching my precious sunshine fade grayly gone away.
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July 26, 2008
I could, from sheer joy, just type summer summer summer 53 times!! It's about time we got a sunny day. I plan on being outside doing stuff, while it's warm enough. I love living on the coast, being close to the beach, the mountains; but damn, some more sun would rock. Climate change?
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July 25, 2008
I have done some writing elsewhere today, and as focused as I am, to write anything else just to fill this space would be stoopid and poor time use choosing. I am hip deep in my CV, and trying to meet it with as much grace as I can muster--wish me luck!
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July 24, 2008
Kinda nerve-wracking to get an email from someone you ask for permission to use their work, especially when it's work you hope to one day be doing. He wants a link. I sent him one; he just overlooked it. But hey--at least he answered me! Glad--gives time to finish creating site!
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July 23, 2008
Another day, another dizzying spiral ascent into whatever comes up. It's not like I can actually do 'nothing'; a human life can never reach "neutral." Even not doing much of anything visible creates ripples, effects in the web. The idea, I think, is to make ripples as consciously as possible.
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July 22, 2008
And the wheel turns again. Time to phase out the old domain, and reinvent as a new one. Thou art that. Makes great sense to me; now to choose an extension. .net, .name, .me. Which? I like the .me irony, but it's more expensive. I've been pondering this awhile.
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July 21, 2008
Another Monday arrives, and with it, all the implications of a week's work to be done, more boxes to unpack and sort through, reading to do, quizzes to write, research to do, and all that jazz. The only thing remaining: to see what of it actually gets done.
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July 20, 2008
Agitation is the theme today. I feel like I'm missing something really important, something right under my nose. Something simple, something so simple that I'm looking right past it. I hold off doing what I think I want to; end up doing not fucking much of anything.
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July 19, 2008
Still hurts to laugh, but better to laugh in pain than to just be grumbly bear about the pain. Which should be interesting tonight, given the crew I spect I'll be around. Can't believe Coop's this old, or still in my life. What a terrific blessing!
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July 18, 2008
Don't bother reading this entry. There's nothing of substance here, though you may find the sentences themselves well-crafted. I think that renders them an echo of the stereotype of the queen B: pretty, but hollow. All form and no substance. Digestable yet meaningless--or is it?
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July 17, 2008
Nothing like a little valerian/poppy tincture to make you full on stoopid--and in a lot less pain from subluxated ribs. I am terribly grateful that I live in a body that isn't desensitized to natural substances. Narcotics = not an option. Herbs = bloody fucking fantastic.
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July 16, 2008
I could just write "ow!" 43 times and that would about cover it for today. Dumas cites a 'great philosopher' as saying, "Oh pain! thou art not an evil!" Maybe not, but this kind of pain makes one cranky as fuck. Owieowieowie. Heal!
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July 15, 2008
Vacuums and roofing paper, belts, the Upanishads and peeled ginger (not necessarily in that order. What do they all have in common? Me. The day shapes up; the minutiae in the world of illusion. Living an ordinary life in an extraordinary way.
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July 14, 2008
Week begins. House is tidied. Rugs shook, dust stirred, dishes done, pert sense of relationship to the world as the cycle begin afresh. Only thing between me/my dreams: my attitude/choices. Dream all I want; up to me to bring it real.
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July 13, 2008
Something about this makes bad feelings. I'm always red! How?!? I write, I'm green: red again later. 2 Perspectives: I can make myself green by fulfilling my commitment, and 2) you're always gonna be in the red no matter what.
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July 12, 2008
Sometimes it's hard for me to believe that people in SL are willing to give me money for digital, pixellated visions/versions of dream things that they can't encounter physically. Quite remarkable, really, and apparently proving rather lucrative, too. Amazing.
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July 11, 2008
Why is it so hard to sustain discipline, even when the disciplined act is in line with stated intent? Is it just cuz it seems hard, or is the stated intent not in line with truth of being?
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July 10, 2008
Goo needs the procedure done again. The only good news is they overcharged us last time. I don't know what I'm missing about allowing abundance in, but I'd sure like to figure it -- for him and us.
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July 9, 2008
Great note from the Universe today. People get what they a) expect and consequently b) work towards. Duh. So, so simple. And true, to. The catch is to live one's life according to the goals embraced.
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July 8, 2008
Does it matter, when I do this, if there's any substance or content to what I write, or is it sufficient simply to have written? Some days, I feel kinda brilliant. Other days? Like this.
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July 7, 2008
Ouch. I could have sworn I did this yesterday. I know I had the window open all damned day, but with the constant interruptions (exaggeration) it's a bitch to try and get anything done!
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July 6, 2008
Each day, as my wordcount grows, I can say more and more. Do more words mean more content, more actually being said, or is it the finesse enabled by quantity that is seen?
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July 5, 2008
It's 6 am. I woke at 4:30, as L was coming to bed. I've eaten already; yoga from 8:30-11:30. Mel in at 1, and there's a day for ya. Then what? Boxes.
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July 4, 2008
Entry #2 for today; it ate the first one. Which is a great way to use up words, since I don't remember what I wrote the first time. Oh fucking well.
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July 3, 2008
On examining relics: One thing that becomes immediately apparent is that either I have dramatically shifted in what's important to me, or I have totally stopped giving a shit altogether.
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July 2, 2008
If you do what you think you love and "nothing" gets done, are you really doing anything? If nothing matters, what's the point of purpose? Actions louder than words?
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July 1, 2008
When, if ever, is it okay for me not to be a nice person? When can I snark? When can I be dastardly blunt? Am I horrid? Normal?
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June 30, 2008
Interesting that communication is ruled by an seller's industry that bends you for it. Sprint sucks ass; I should have known better than to get suckered in.
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June 29, 2008
The fundamental issue is the agreement between what is as evinced by action, and what might be, as evinced by words. Thoughts in the middle, mediating.
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June 28, 2008
I my head, I am everything beautiful and picturesque. In real, I'm not--but if I change my actions, then I become what I create me.
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June 27, 2008
It almost doesn't even count as today. I've been such a slag! 46 more minutes to go; then it will be too late. Ha!
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June 26, 2008
Time to get down and wallow in the wrestling match between my own personal Jesus and Pan. Know the winner but wanna watch.
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June 25, 2008
Think I need a couple of days inworld. Is that because I do, or is it an escape? Let us find out.
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June 24, 2008
Maybe it's summer after all; a trip to the beach should confirm or deny this seasonal speculation. I hope it's warm.
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June 23, 2008
Good morning. Stillness is evasive; the whore makes noise and the vampires are insecure. Tea, no coffee; only one left.
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June 22, 2008
I love the calm, still quiet of morning I call mine. Good to have a little piece of timespace.
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June 21, 2008
The breath is the river. Change steals the breath; trick is to hold the flow, not the breath.
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June 20, 2008
Being me is the only thing I've ever been meant to be good at. What is that?
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June 19, 2008
Somethings are better left to fall away than be pushed away, because something else is better.
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June 18, 2008
I'm seriously considering buying a pack and wondering what that would do to my spirit.
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June 17, 2008
I am able to have an adult relationship to the world and my spirit.
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June 16, 2008
Poised to succeed, the flying vampire spread her wings awaiting a sustaining updraft.
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June 15, 2008
Our choosing triggers germination; the bloom governed by our choice of perceptions.
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June 14, 2008
In every moment are the seeds for contentment and profound sorrow.
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June 13, 2008
Balance and alignment are relative to the organism experiencing them.
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June 12, 2008
After the intensification, will we have any more peace?
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June 11, 2008
I'm betrayed by my own chemistry! How so?
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June 10, 2008
My intent today is to be open.
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June 9, 2008
Baruch ata Adonai, elohenu malech ha-olam.
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June 8, 2008
Still brain pudding from wakefulness.
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June 7, 2008
I can't think straight.
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June 6, 2008
What a life!
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June 5, 2008
What now?
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June 4, 2008
Oi.