My day, it has been made!

Me: waves at Doc Haas DH: Hello! comes over Are you doing an independent study? I always see you in here, working away. Me: Yeah, I... DH: What are you working on? Me: I'm writing a novel, actually. DH: Oh, really? That's so cool! What's it about? Me: Oh, psychological stuff. Things, they happen. DH: That is awesome. I'd like to see that. That's really impressive. Let me know when it's done, if you finish it this year! Me: I will.

Aw, I love our fearless leader... Ok, excerpt time!

I take the walk back to my own house slowly, trying to emulate Remy’s effortless leisure. I walk, and then I stroll, and then I decide that I must be ambling. It’s nice, actually, to amble. Somehow, things that are horrible are less so, and things that are pressing down against your shoulders until you cannot bear the weight are just not quite as heavy… just as long as you’re ambling. Odetta Williams leaves my head, grumbling and hissing threats as she goes, but gone. Max, too, slides back into the out-of-reach corners of my mind, and gives me this space to breathe.

As soon as I come to my house and see the two cars in the drive, my stomach takes a hit.

So today I did not go to Rachel's dinner thing after all, but I called her and it'll be okay.

How many people can play this game? More than one, that's how many.

“How about the ghosts?” It’s a fairly important question, I feel. Remy folds a napkin over that second piece of pepperoni pizza, and neatly tucks it down against the plate. I’m not sure whether he’s stalling or actually concerned with it, but when he’s got the napkin perfectly aligned with the edges of the pizza, enough so that the grease soaks through in long, slick stains, he starts talking readily enough.

“Oh, the ghosts. Well. I never did see a ghost before I’d been living with my grandma for a few years. Not until I was twelve. She talked about them, though. My bedtime stories, because she insisted on telling me bedtime stories even after I hit eleven, they were always ghost stories. Stories about people she’d seen, things she knew could happen… They weren’t the gruesome kind, don’t mistake me, but oh, yes, I knew about the ghosts.” Remy says this the way the fat old uncle would say it to the little pig-tailed niece: Oh, yes, I knew about those pesky ghosts, all right, you just ask your mother if you don’t believe me.

I'm in the library, during 6th... The school library, might I add. And someone else is not here. Alas. I also really have to go to the bathroom; I may do that after I finish this. I have to make some flashcards now! Not too many. Ms. Crummie is doing one of my college recs, so now I just have to remember to ask Frau Trice to do the other. Hoorah! And I also have to go get a thing for my cap and gown; I keep forgetting to do that... Eh. I'll do that as soon as I leave here after doing flashcards; hopefully I don't have to stay in the trailer for an entire half of 8th, man. Hopefully it's just to show her that I have flashcards, and they don't suck! I'll finish this with a brief excerpt:

Sitting on the bus, I feel sick. It’s a low greenish pull at my guts, heavy and yowling. It didn’t really set in until after I got on the bus and counted out my coins and found a seat near the back. Now, though, as the tires bump over the pitted pavement and my knees rattle against the seat in front of me, my stomach churns and I have to hug my abdomen to keep myself in.

I'm at a loss. I feel like I should have something else big to do this week, but... I just don't. I have to give my teachers my recommendation sheets, and this weekend I'll write the last of my college supplements, but after the test in Gov today I don't think I have any other major things to do. We're doing a 'workshop' on Hamlet in English tomorrow, which I believe will be another writing thing, but there's really no way to prepare for that since I've already read the play... Um, nothing in Physics, nor Government (ha), nor German or Humanities. Oh, wait, I do have to do my journal entries for Huma; I can do that during 6th tomorrow since I have to stay for the first bit of 8th.

I feel a little bad because in Physics this morning Mr. B asked if I wanted to finish the problem I didn't complete on my test last (?) week, because I wrote something like, "If I were better, I'd do this..." and I think he took it to mean, "If I were feeling better I'd do this..." So I had to say that No, it's ok, don't worry about it. I felt like I'd let him down... I just didn't even remember what the problem'd been!

So I'll write this and then I'll do some more studying for this test tomorrow, and by that I mean I'll write and then maybe do some more studying. I will write until around 7:30, 8:00 or so, and then study until 9:00, and then probably watch something, read or just go to bed. It might snowflurry tomorrow! I don't even care that it's just flurries; seeing snow would excite me no end. I love it. Also, we watched Kinky Boots today, and it really made me want to wear heels. So I might... wear heels tomorrow. I only have one pair of insane tall heeled boots, and even they aren't THAT insane, just mildly fun... so it could be those, or it could be small shoes with heels on them if I can't bring myself to wear the boots. And, what's nice is, tomorrow will be Tuesday and then there'll only be what, three more days? And then two days next week, and then break! And I might skip a day, since technically I haven't missed any days this year yet for no reason. I have doctor's notes for both the days I missed for conjunctivitis, which is mad convenient, so I might... be sneaky and not go to school. Possibly next Tuesday, this'll happen.

Ok, doing this. Making mashed potatoes. Lovely. Um, tomorrow night we'll have sausages! Sweet. I'm now making those frozen peas, too... Sigh. But, um, tomorrow-- Must read up on 3rd party lingo. Plurality, winner-take-all, majority, all those terms. Must use them nicely...

Ok, so, do I have anything else to do? I feel rushed, but I don't think so. I do not think so. Maybe a little bit of German shtuff, but probably not a great deal. I must check my thing. Planner. I also need to bring money, because we're ordering Chinese food just for our class on Friday, so I need to bring five bucks. Yis. And, next week, is only two days! Yay! This weekend I'll go to Emma's, probably, and paint her walls... Paint her ferret cage, too, so it'll look pretty, or so she says. And what else? Gov timed writing, Gov test, probably English test, um... Physics something, can't remember what. But tomorrow and Tuesday will, along with being stressful because of tests and things, be lovely because I can go to Georgie's? Probably? And hm, let's see, I like my legwarmers. I forgot how fun it can be to look feminine; it's also fun to be able to pick out the almost-definitely-queers and so on. We are here!

So it's raining outside. Or, no, it's stopped. But it is wet, and still a bit drizzly. While I am excited about seeing people tonight, it's not really a go-out-and-do-things sort of day... I did make brownies, though. And they are pretty damn good, which I was pleased about. I have to study for a Gov exam on Tuesday, and... what else, what else, what else? I think that's the biggest thing. I'm bit over two days ahead writing-wise, so that's fine, and I don't think I have any other major projects or anything due... No papers, right? Right. And next week, after this one, I mean, we have a few days of break. That'll be nice. Food. I love food so much, especially our Thanksgiving food. I'm psyched for the pies. Alan might be there; I should find out. He's really the only person I want to spend significant amounts of time with...

Um, so... I'm falling back into the dark clothing, I've found. It seems to be a wintery type of thing. That's cool, that's cool.

I watched a vid about Prop 8, and it made me tear up. I just... I don't understand how people can justify not only taking rights away, but taking them away after granting them. It's bullshit.

Today there was a protest that was mainly just standing around with candles, but it was still lovely. So many people were there. It's always cool when that happens. And, I know this is dumb and stereotypical, but I was so happy that there were so many cisguys there, too. It just seems like more girls tend to be open about supporting things like queer rights than most guys I know, so it was cool that there were a bunch there. Um, and... I... hm. Gov was fun, because Gov's always fun, and Humanities was nice as well. We had to make WANTED posters of some historical figure (real or not real), so I did Lysistrata because all it meant was that I had to draw a hot woman, and I'm good at that. It's my specialty, you might even say. Anyway, I did the poster and turned it in and Miss Williams was kind of shocked at the fact that it was actually quite good (comparatively; it was just a sketch) and so she put it on the elmo, and everybody was like, "Dude, whoa." And then Lizzie finished hers, and Miss Williams was shocked again, and said that we were hiding secret artistic talents, and put Lizzie's up as well! :D

I got new glasses today! For the first time in... five years. And they are super stylish. I'm almost uncomfortable by it, actually, but I like them, too, and the bigger point is that I can see so much better than before. My dad and I got home at exactly the same time, which is always sort of weird; now I'm going to procrastinate for an hour or so before doing my outline.

Um, more about stuff. Tomorrow I'm going to try and go to the UVA performance of The Laramie Project; Anna and R.J. will probably be there. And on Saturday, I get to see all of my lovely lovely people (except Erik, o'course, and the ones who just are slackers) because Sami's coming back for a few days and we are throwing a mad bash! Srsly, Andy might bring... Shoot 'Em Up. Which will be either awesome or awful, but in this company, odds are in favor of awesome. And we're also gonna watch D.E.B.S., which makes up for any other possible suck. But more importantly, Sami! Anna! Debbie! And I don't actually even know who else is coming, but that's our hardcore scifi club, if only William will show... But he never does get back to any facebook anything.

Oh, wow, it is already getting dark outside. It's barely five. Yeesh, and I will have to make a fire soon or my feet will get cold. Well, anyway, I am going to go make macaroni and cheese as soon as I finish writing this. Actually, I don't feel like writing this. So!

“Did you know?” my mother asks me suddenly. She has never known how to do things the way she thinks they should be done. “Did you see this coming, Jensen?” It is the question, I realize, that is made out of her silence and has fermented around my toes and feet and ankles and calves and skin into these words. “No.” She laughs, a little thing that cracks like old, brittle wood. Shakes her head. Pushes her fork into her food, lifts it, sets it down. She does not look at me now. “You think I’m a bad mother,” and it’s soft, hard, “and you’re right.” I don’t say anything. I don’t know if I think she’s a bad mother. She’s the only mother. I don’t know her very well, I suppose, and I’ve never tried that hard. But I do understand enough of her to believe that it’s not my voice that she can hear right now.

Virginia Woolf is very powerful, I think. A bird just hit the window.

Today... there's nothing about today worth mentioning. Just one grain of sand in a whole sinking pile of them. Things happen day-to-day, little things, and all together they get blurry until you remember just the year as a whole. I am feeling very unstable. Maybe that's literal; the world is a little off, it seems. The sky is very gray, the colors muted. It's a watercolor, and oh, oh, god, look, there's a cardinal and it's the most beautiful thing. Graywhite sky, graybrown branch, graygreen pine needles, shocking red brilliant bird. And now it's flown away, but I have it here forever. See?

I sound very disconnected. It's me in my other place for a while, the quiet washed down place with my own thoughts and the thoughts around me. Don't worry, don't worry, I don't need it. I just need the birds and this grayness because it's all very still, very still, and here we are. I am not quite of the world I'm supposed to be from, here, and I don't think I can speak clearly. This bit isn't mine, the me you know, and it's not yours so it's hard to speak its language.

I have this terrible urge (not a powerful one, just this thought that comes into my mind every time I've opened my novel today) to just quit. I won't, but it's just weird. It's my brain saying, "Eh, just stop. What's the point?" But that makes no sense. Whatever.

So happily, as usual, my workload is not as heavy as I thought it would be before I started. I just have 16 more responses to do, and then a few sections of discussion questions. Sometime I have to do a paper for Gov, but I'll make that up later times. I finished my flashcards, two papers, almost all my responses... I'm feeling pretty on top of things. It'll be ok.

God, sometimes I just really want to break down crying. I don't mean I'm depressed or even really sad or anything, but... I'm tired, my head still hurts, my eyes ache (not because of anything but the headache, thank god), and I feel like I've put a lot of energy into being lately. Recharge, recharge... Real back-curling sobs help that sometimes. I'm a freak, I know. It's better.

I hope I'm not actually afraid of thinking about the future. That would be annoying, because I don't like being afraid.

I've never really understood how thoughts work. You don't even know you're thinking, but then you do something and you have no idea why or how or if you meant to do it at all. Molly's not eating, Mom says. God.

I am dreaming of being enough, or being certain I am enough.

When is Thanksgiving? Is it next week, or the week after? The third... some day of the week, right? Or is it an actual day? I never know when Thanksgiving is. Ok, we get school off starting midway through two weeks from now. But then we get a whole week, right?

I have to do this faster, instead of thinking about stuff to say. I have to finish my Voltaire paper, and then I have to do flashcards, and then I have to do poetry. And there's probably something for Gov, too; shit, shit, I won't do that. I don't know if there's anything, but I really do not want to outline, so I won't. I can turn it in late; that won't kill me. Didn't kill me last section, anyway. More words, fill it up, watch the bar inch forward... Lah, lah, lah. My stomach hurts. I washed my face a lot today. Huh.

So I've realized that I really like it when my dad calls me Jack. My mom does it too, but he does it way more, and he introduces me by it, too, which rocks. It's funny; he calls me Jacqueline (which, from him, is acceptable) and Jack, but really only Jackie when he's mad at me. Weird. I've also realized that I love seeing my dad happy, perhaps because it's not his natural state and I tend to be able to make him laugh more than anybody else. Hm.

Today I woke up at 9 because Maggie called about her party, which is now at 5ish, which actually works so perfectly I could have planned it myself. Well, nix that; if I'd planned it, I'm sure something would have gone wrong. Anyway, I'm still wearing glasses, but my eye is so much better it's barely noticeable.

Fresh blood running through me, I'll bleed London dry! Fresh blood will renew me, and I shall never die! Goddess, I love this musical. It's so powerful, and it's great to be able to hear all the tracks, now that someone's uploaded them all to youtube. Still can't download 'em yet... Meh. Also, this Indian chai my mom got is delicious.

What? I didn't mean to come here. What? Huh. I, like, I was going to go to the NaNo site but I guess I hit the wrong key or something, and now I'm going ahead and writing this. Huh.

Um, so I'm watching The Office. And later I'll do flashcards. And read. And today is Friday, I guess, though it doesn't feel like it. Weird. I really wanted glasses/new contacts today, man... I wouldn't have been able to get the contacts anyway, I guess, because they order those, but glasses, at the very least... I want to be able to see. I want to be able to see well, and now I have to go back next Thursday. That's a whole week! God, I'm so disappointed, actually. I pumped myself up for this. I put it off for so long, and now... Damn.

Ah, so... I talked to myself about roadkill for a while. Because- well, actually, why write that? That's disgusting. It is. Anyway. It's beautiful again, outside. The air is very clean and clear and crisp.

I don't know. I get tired. I am tired. It'll pass, it'll pass. I wonder if I'll still be as tired of thinking about myself next week? Maybe.

Today was not a good day. I woke up with my right eye burning, and no amount of flushing it out did a thing. In fact, eyedrops made it sting even more. I also woke up with a cold. I also woke up with a stomach ache and my period. And then, driving to school because my mom wanted me to see the nurse, I had to wear sunglasses even though it wasn't that bright for two reasons: my eye is hypersensative at the moment, and I didn't want Becca to see me tearing up on the road. There were a few scary instances, where I was blinking really hard and really fast just to be able to see. Then, after accomplishing nothing but getting the affirmation that yeah, it is pinkeye, I went home and was depressed for a while. Because it hurts. A lot.

In fact, I'm still kind of depressed/pissed off/just unhappy. I rewrote a bit, but only ended up adding 30 words; still, I've made Jensen a much more... guarded? fragile? lost sort of person, I guess. I'm afraid I'm making her into me, or into some sort of... extension of certain parts of myself, anyway. Write what you know, right?

Awesome: Obama is our new President Elect, and Mark Warner took the Senate like whoa. Perriello is still unknown, I think. I had lunch with my mom at Five Guys today, and it was really, really tasty.

NOT Awesome: Prop 8 fucking passed. Prop 2 in Florida fucking passed. Homophobia is very much alive and well in our politics, even after the strides made by California's initial legalization of gay marriage, followed by Connecticut's. Damn it, damn it, damn it. How can people be progressive and regressive all in the space of a few months? How can this happen? I don't know, I really don't. If I'm idealistic for thinking that things should not work like this, then fuck you. I believe that we can end racism by stopping the automatic separation due to race, and I believe that we can win equal rights within my lifetime, and I believe that what's right and what's good can come out on top, and I think that with Obama as our president, at least some of that can start to happen.

I'm sitting outside, on the porch steps, and there's wind blowing through the trees and making the red-gold leaves move like bits of glass. Beautiful.

So I do have Coke, as it were. And TV, and a blanket, and food cooking. Soy chicken with rice and peppers! Lovely. And it's election day holy shit, but we know about that so I don't need to write about it because it would just be repeating the same things over and over.

I am solid in meeting my NaNo goal for the day, which is awesome. I'm so proud of myself, because I've gotten this far and I haven't lost interest, and I'm not worried about where to go because it's happening as it happens and that's very nice. I still haven't, ah, written the paper I was going to write on Friday, though... Er... But I will do that either today or tomorrow, I swear. I have to. I HAVE TO. I did read from my German book, so there.

Ho hum, and... oh, I had something to say but now I forgot it. Shoot. Well, so it's November. Already? Last year, it took *so* much longer to get to November, I think. I don't really remember. But I remember feeling... very much not how I feel right now, which is reassuring, because that was bad and this is good.

So yesterday Rachel came over, and we spent a lot of time at the railroad tracks. She brought the last of last year's box of clove cigarettes (she gets one box at New Years every year, apparently), and that was nice. I don't know, I don't really smoke, but it's sort of soothing to hold. It's funny; I basically never drink anymore, including wine at dinner, but I'm okay with a cigarette once a year? Whatever.

And then we came back and watched Prom Night, which was decent, and slept for a while. We did a seance this morning because we got bored (after waking up at 7:30, jesus christ); I made a salt circle just in case, and I'm kind of glad I did. We used white candles, of course, but-- I think it was probably a bad idea. Rachel got on the phone with Crystal during it, and then the phone cut off, and we both started getting a really bad feeling so we stopped and blew out the candles. I dunno, I just... I think I had power and should not have used it. But it's okay, because I definitely did a cleansing. Hopefully we didn't actually call anything.

I want to paint my big canvas. But I don't have a good subject as of yet, so I'll use the ream of canvas paper instead. Hm. Pretend this doesn't sound sleazy: would you pose for me sometime, do you think? I need a model. And, while we're talking directly to you, Georgie, can I just say that it is unbelievably irritating that the only times your internet does stay on are the times I leave?

So, today I will... go for a hike, probably. And then Rachel will call and we'll figure something out. I'll write for a while. But right now, I think I will paint.

Jazz. Jazz is very... it's very dark. Sweet. I hate listening to jazz at night. It makes me... uneasy. I don't know. I don't mind it while I'm working. Oh, it's bright outside. Early, too, only 9:30. After doing my twelve hours of sleep Friday night, I fell back into the customary eight. I don't want to have however many more words I need to finish this; I want to go directly to doing something... Alas! Wait, wait, almost done. I like the light on my pillow; it makes the shadows stand out.

Um, I refuse to talk about writing. So instead, how about-- I saw Debbie and Anna, and that was very nice. And Rach texted; she may or may not come over, and she may or may not bring cloves. That would be lovely, but if not, I have movies and such to watch on my own. Tomorrow is Sunday; I will probably stay home on Sunday, so I can do homework and pretend we do have school Monday and Tuesday. That way, sleeping in on Monday will be an even nicer thing, because it will be almost unexpected.

Two hundred words; wow. You know, I missed the halfway point of this; by the time I realized I was over halfway finished, I was well beyond that. It was kind of sad, actually. It's strange how... how writing things down, marking them, is something so easily forgotten. Oh, goddess, it's beautiful outside my window. The orange leaves, the pine needles green, the faded dun magenta sky. Lady, how? I don't even know. Such beauty exists, and we're a part of it. That's amazing. Even when things are at their worst, I can still be reminded that the world is *so* amazing.

So, so, so, so everything worked out beautifully! Here's how: Ms. Savage got back to me, telling me not to worry about the missing hours; Ms. Wood got back to me, telling me that meeting in the mornings was a fantastic idea and that using NaNo for my IS to get the rest of my 75 hours (which I'd been planning on doing, and had just forgotten to mention) was also a fantastic idea, and Joanna got back to me, telling me that we were meeting at her house at 7:30-ish for party and bonfire and then going to the graveyard after that! So basically, everything is wonderful.

AND TUESDAY IS THE FOURTH OMFG.

I am so excited. And scared. But mostly excited. Ack! Oh, geez! Wow. Shabam! Shwizz! Halriuoghladkghqo;wehvn!!

Lah, lah, lah, lah, lah. Everything is great. I also got a scary movie in de mail, which is the scary movie I couldn't find online, which is what I'll watch at like 2 AM or something. Whatever. I haven't decided if I'm going graveyard-ing, since that'll be at like midnight and I'm leery of crashing in someone's dorm room. Although I guess I could go to Anna's?

So today, after school let out, I went home and read some of the book Frau Trice gave me. It's a play about World War Two. Dark. And then, in keeping, I watched The Dark Knight with my mom. She was pretty freaked out by the Joker, but she was irritatingly unable to follow a lot of the plot. Kept asking things like, "Wait, who just died?" Anyway.

And now, here I am.

Report card came today; I got everything lovely except my IS because of Ms. Woods' surgery making it so I couldn't meet with her for two weeks; this means I failed this nine weeks. My mom was pissed; she's going to try and get it changed to an Incomplete. Honestly, I don't care; I know that won't affect my final grade since it's Pass/Fail. Still.

My dog smells so bad we have to cover our noses while in the same room. We think this is because she's losing control of her bowels. Yeah, you read that right. It's awful.

And now I am cold and just want to curl up in bed and go to sleep. I did not sleep well at all last night. :(

Lessee. So I'm megapsyched for Nano... And for Friday. Let's go over what I'm doing on Friday.

1. Going to the discovery museum for the party from 6-7.
2. Meeting up with Joanna et al at circa 7:15. Ritualing.
3. Going to UVA for movies with the guys?
4. Coming home, eventually.
5. Watching more movies, probably.
6. SLEEP.

And now I have so many words left to fill! I sneezed. Blech. And tonight we'll probably just have more macaroni and cheese, and tomorrow night waffles. Lovely. I have to remember to ask about the computer! Hm, I should start a fire. Yeah, I think I'll go do that. Fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, HEAT. Run around in circles chasing each other. A stupid game, I feel. Easy to trip and fall. I was always ok at it, because I am fast when it comes to sprinting, but I don't like running in circles...

Dear Jack, You have to ask about the computer. And you have to find Juno. And that's basically all you have to do. But do it. Do it now. Or as soon as you finish this. One, two, three, four, five, six.

Uh... Well, so here's my awesome!story: we had an English paper, a very big deal poetry paper, due this Friday. Along with the paper, we had to turn in our 'journals', which included notes on every poem we'd read all year (which I, along with most of my classmates, hadn't actually been reading) and notes on the books we've been reading.

...And then, because we all looked really pathetic, I guess... Ms. P swore us to secrecy and gave our class an extra week.

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!! I felt bad because I couldn't tell Lizzie. And also because honestly, I don't need the extra week. But still. HAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!

And, Sami facebooked Debbie and it brought back all her squeeishness, and so she emailed me for internet hugs and it was the cutest thing evar. I love those two. I love Debbie a bit more than Sami, because Sami can be extraordinarily annoying, butttt it would be beautiful if they got together... SO ADORABLE.

And. That is enough of that. Um... Hm. Iron Man came today!!! Shall watch that many times. And read.

I have a plan for November: write for two hours every day. I can do that.

Today was cold. Colder than I expected, I mean. Hm, what happened? I mosaic'd in Huma; Noel's face is coming along nicely. We also got to just have the laptop playing various youtube things as we worked, which was cool. Um... I... I watched some SNL, and then went to Georgie's house and watched Band of Brothers. There were brownies and Wheat Thins and cheese. And then I went home, and found a couple horror movies to watch this weekend. Lizzie'll be out of town, and so will Maggie, and Georgie's parents may or may not allow e to watch scary movies avec moi and Lisa will most likely be working, so I'll probably be watching them alone. But still. You can't have Halloween without horror movies. Oh, oh, oh! And there'll be the Samhain ritual, possibly at Laura's house so we can have a bonfire. Sweet.

This week, I need to... write my poetry paper, read Candide, read ch. 7... And I think that's it.

And next week NaNo starts! Exciting! Hm. Oh, I smell noodles. I like noodles. I may go downstairs and find them. There's fire downstairs; I'll appreciate that. Oh, yes.

So today was supposed to be nice, but that got called off. I mean, it's still a nice day, just... exponentially more boring. I got a bunch of notes for my poetry paper, which is good, and I... did not do anything else. So far, anyway.

Um... I dunno. I get mad sometimes. At myself, at society. I should not feel bad about myself because I don't fit with whatever label I liked yesterday. Fuck that. I should be able to just be who I want to be, dress how I want to dress, without feeling guilty or some shit like that! It's not cool that I feel bad about not being butch enough or andro enough or anything on certain days. If I want to wear something girly, I damn well have the right. Just because I look like a boy sometimes, or just because you can't tell what I am sometimes, does NOT mean that's how I am all the fucking time, right? It's so hypocritical of me, and I hate it. I hate that I can't help but feel pressured into finding a Label and using it. That is not fair.

Christian Slater has really pretty eyes.

It's raining, it's pouring... It's not pouring. It's halfway to pouring. I may go outside later and be poured upon. Hm.

I was sure I'd slept much later than I did. I slept 11 hours, which I suppose is a lot, but I was still surprised to wake up before noon.

Let's see. Today, I did things. Am doing them. It's only 2, after all. I feel like there was something I was supposed to do tonight. A party? No. Seeing someone? No. I must be dreaming. You know when it's so difficult to differentiate between what you've dreamed and what really happened? That happens to me relatively often.

I do need to get Maggie a birthday present, though. 18, big year. Jenn, Lisa, Lizzie and I are going; Georgie proooobably won't? I don't know what to get, man. Maybe... hm. What would Maggie want? That I can give her, that is? I don't have the money for a show; I don't have the resources for-- eh. I'll figure it out.

I wish many things. I wish for perfect contentment. I wish I knew if I'm happy.

Wow, I feel like such an LJ whore. Oh, well. Also... boi. Hm. I dunno. I guess I should have been more specific, especially in that I know there are lots of groups/sexualities/genders/whatever that use that word; I just wanted to know if *my* way of using it was correct. Whatevs. I kind of like it, though. Someone put it really, really well: "Gender-wise I exist in the grey area between male and female. I love my female body and I love all my masculine traits and appearance and the gender confusion I cause." That's me. I like myself the way I am, a girl-boy? Boi?

Also, I am... I am sitting around wearing pants and a ridiculous Norman Bates' Mother dress. Because I can't yet be bothered to take it off. Sigh.

I feel like something awesome happened. Oh, right-- I had a little email conversation with Ms. Finnegan, and she was really nice and I do miss her a lot, actually. I'm going to this cello thing in November; it'll be nice to be around other musicians again.

Today, school surprised me by being over so quickly. I don't know.

So the good things about today outweigh the bad, which is always nice. The bad is mostly just that I lost 11 dollars, and then missed the opportunity to get it back because I didn't realize I'd lost it until it was too late.

The good is that it was a nice day, AND I HAVE A PLOT. That's so exciting. It came to me in the car today driving home, to the sound of the Lord of the Rings soundtrack; it had been sort of milling and wheeling about in there, gathering bits and losing them again, but now the plot-ball has formed and is solid enough that I can pick it up and look at it. I can't wait to start. I have to do some research, though; I ought to do that right now. I shall, as soon as I finish typing this. Then, I should do an essay and a thing in German, and that is it. I am done. I probably should have done the essay yesterday, though. Oh, well.

Woods make me more spread out, I think. More undefined and sharper at the same time.