free your mind

June 5, 2008

what would you do if i finally made a move? would you kiss me back?

and then what? where do we go from there?

they say you are infested with demons, and i know it's true cause i can see them raging inside your head.

they poke their heads out of your eyes when we're drunk.

drunk on a motel bed, your eyes didnt sparkle or anything, but i still thought you were beautiful.

what if i kissed you right there on that bed, what would you have done?

June 4, 2008

you'll always be 15 to me, cause youre still just so unsure about yourself.

don't you see? you are the broken winged, the raven, the crow, the blackbird, you are everything i have ever wanted.

you the music, you are the blade, you are the vampire stories i lived in for so long. you are the vampire i've always dreamed of meeting.

the demons steal your dreams as you sleep, and they chase your hopes,

so just walk along the beach with me, and forget all the rest.

June 2, 2008

i just want to feel something real.

i'm sick of living in my head, where nothing is real, and everything i feel is so fucking fake.

you know that i miss you? you have always been something real to me. lying awake, tripping out you were always lying next to me. i could feel you there, so i hold on tight to how it feels cause i can't imagine myself stuck in this reality without your presence to pull me through.

girl, you pull me though.

June 1, 2008

22 miles to go until we're back home, and the highway seems so long.

you played sweet songs.

it was Cotton Crush, but i'm so, so high. I thought i could see your heartbeat float up to the sky and through the rainclouds.

wish for sunshine, babe.

cause it's raining on the beach and i can't seem to picture myself swiming in the rain, or swimming with you.

but the car sounds so peaceful, and i feel secure.

we should drive forever, don't stop here.

May 31, 2008

"i like you."

you will never see the gold, it's in your face. and i'm open-faced to you.

so you stand in the rain all night and wonder why you are so wet and cold in the end.

boy, you are lost.

cause your dreams have left you, deserted in whole-hearted depression, i can see it in your eyes as you look at me across the pillows.

but look away, cause you never could see what you really need.

what you need is me.

May 15, 2008

okay, so you call me back. how long has it been? months. and months.

and only because that boy from London hung himself last night, at 17.

"we don't know why he did it." of course not, you never stopped to ask. but for all you knew, it could have been me. so i'm supposed to unselfishly console you?

and you didn't even know, today is my birthday.

May 5, 2008

i'll buy you out, boy.

spend every penny to see you alive.

now, if only you'll come to me, we can start discussing method of payment. now, i don't have a lot of money. money, money, money but i think; maybe some people look past that, at least in small ways.

your cheque, Sir, is in the mail.

May 4, 2008

"i knew you were real! i just knew you would always come for me!"

that would be me. hopeful and vampire-obsessed. i would finally start to see them, because after all this time my head has finally brought my dreams and fantasies into a sense of touchable truth. truth i can feel. truth i can really feel.

May 3, 2008

peaches? FUCKING PEACHES?! i want more! i want more, more, more. i want turkish delight, i want world peace, i want to pet polar bears, i want to sleep in streets, and to be free of disease!!!

"Peaches, peaches, peaches and creme."

Preacher of peaches, why do you mock me!?

"i just LOVE peaches and creme."

May 2, 2008

there is some sort of lifeforce circulating through each and every existing being, conscious or not. the elves and sprites dance sullenly down the streets of a never-sleeping urban forest. they spread the good force of life as they parade about, sprinkling it on the leaves of the sky-reaching cement buildings, coloring the unnatural ground.

May 1, 2008

so... can anyone else see the giant rock floating above our heads? it's floating above our bustling city, directly above our everyday existance. it just sits there dangling in the sky, and at night you can see the lights eminating from it's top. so beautifully suspended, they built a new city on the exterior.

April 30, 2008

what has come over me since? i'm confused. but then again, i'm always confused. i have always been confused. you, my imaginary friend, you are also confused. that lady singing to herself on the subway this morning; she was confused. everyone is confused, all the time. so dont tell me you are not.

April 29, 2008

perfect. underwater, i feel perfect. above the clouds, i feel utterly perfect. for the first time, though, i feel perfectly safe here above water, and grounded. my feet are planted so i just stand here swaying to the beat of the earth's slow rotations, yet it feels like only minutes have passed.

April 28, 2008

turning and returning to static in my head, falling forward but not really falling at all. i let my feet go and gently tumbled backwards onto the soft air that caught my fall. floating upwards i felt so real, yet so surreal. i closed my eyes and smiled through the hallucination.

April 27, 2008

the colors of the couch beside me were blissfully floating in and out of focus, breathing. the couch, too, begun to breathe. the floor, the walls, and then the ceiling all started breathing in time. wrapped in a vortex of colors, i finally joined them, and took a deep breath.

April 26, 2008

nicotine is my best friend. carbon monoxide is my lover. formaldehyde is my sister, hydrogen cyanide my brother. my name is benzene and i am an alcoholic. toxic emissions take the place of the blood that used to run through me, so i eat tobacco for breakfast with coffee.

April 25, 2008

the color of the city tonight screams red, so i walked home with my eyes closed. i've done it so many times i've got it all memorized. i don't open my eyes the whole way, i always keep them closed, all through the night. i am never open-eyed.

April 24, 2008

i felt like eating a fish, so i went to the beach and caught one. "you don't want to eat me," he screamed. "I'm toxic!" I gobbled him up before i lost the thought of my stomach being pumped in the emergency ward, licked my fingers clean.

April 23, 2008

If you need to find me, just go out to your backdoor cemetary, dig me up. When i was a kid i fell through an old well in my backyard, 6 feet deep and i thought i was going to die. i never really came out.

April 22, 2008

i am always in funerals. when you see them ghosts and vampires across the street, search the crowded nullity for my face. because when my head gets lost in itself, i pause for a moment and i realize that i very well might be dead.

April 21, 2008

oh hey, when you get to the bottom, let me know. i'll make sure i'm not there to toss you a rope. because then we will both know what it's like to kill yourself every night, only to wake up alive the next day.

April 20, 2008

my blood gets thinner each moment. i fall back onto park benches and i swing until the full moon touches my face. i swung higher and higher, the overwhelming beauty of everything around me just as intoxicating as the cheap beer we drank.

April 19, 2008

"accept the universe" was the thought that popped into my head. i like to think about my new idea that there is a lifeforce radiating through every existance; everything intertwined, everything illuminate. such an intimate realization, and i suddenly feel less alone.

April 18, 2008

A thought came to me last night. my eyes were closed, i was floating in the sea, and everywhere i looked i saw nothing but seaweed. seaweed dreams. they let me dance in them, i let them know what it's like.

April 17, 2008

a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z. don't you know it's going to be alright, cause i don't think i do.

April 16, 2008

don't touch me, don't look at me, don't even ask me if i'm doing alright. because i know that i'm okay, i know that when i open my eyes underwater, everything seems so much clearer than on the surface.

April 15, 2008

baby boy, you were a waterfall. baby boy, you were a summer storm, a nebula, black hole, snowflakes, cigarette smoke, you were definitely a manatee, dragonflies, grey skies, marijuana, and the citylights. baby boy, you were my everything.

April 14, 2008

Save your strength, so that in the end, you're not the one left behind. So you're not the one confessing that he expects nothing more than nothing, so you're not the one who will always feel alone.

April 13, 2008

Same fake personality. Same fake pose, fake possie. Fake, fake, fake, fake, faek, faeek, fakjknm, skjdnflajskdn. Where do you go when your mind sleeps? Where are you, that I can't seem to find you dreaming anymore?

April 12, 2008

Running from the truth, closing my eyes, you are there. You are there, you are there, you are there. Always, you are there. I open my eyes and across the crowd, you are always there.

April 11, 2008

I turn around and you are there. How can you expect me to move on when your needy eyes meet mine? I see through the ego trip. And through the alcohol, you are there.

April 10, 2008

Just as quickly as I forget, EVERYTHING comes back to me. "Do you love me?" and "I'll never leave" haunt my suburban dreams and those long, memorable nights seem slightly less far away.

April 9, 2008

Is it pathetic to want less out of life? You know, I live my life by the philosophy of less is more, so more must be pointless. I'm happy with Jones Soda.

April 8, 2008

Is it sad? Was I "ruining" my life by living the fabulous life of a gay high school dropout, smoking pot out of a glass Jones Soda bottle on a weeknight?

April 7, 2008

these nights now go too quietly, safe in the suburbs, away from the alcohol, the drug-induced insomnia, the drug-induced fear. now, its just plain insomnia and real fears breaking me.

April 6, 2008

"They are trying to break me, and taunt me with things that don't even resemble me. Burning ash clouds cannot touch me, I've decided. They merely agitate." -Jesse Showers

April 5, 2008

booze. free booze. free booze. free booze. free booze. free booze. free booze. free booze. free booze. free booze. free booze. free booze. free beer for free sex.

April 4, 2008

Kelly. I know you find it irresistable because i'm the only fag these days going by the codes. I'm bringing back the 80's, minus the handlebar 'staches.

April 3, 2008

Julian. Is that pretty? Is it effeminate enough for your tastes? If I hang my colors to the left, you'll come running, won't you? Going rate.

April 2, 2008

I think you broke me, did you? My racing thoughts barely escape through my scalp and out my disheveled hair, leaving no room for morality.

April 1, 2008

I think you gave me reason to live. And it means nothing now, i can barely remember those times so i have another drink.

March 31, 2008

I thought we belonged in Devil Town. I thought we were vampires. I think I merely helped you fuck the time away. Everynight.

March 30, 2008

Boys wearing strawberry lip chap, boys wearing eye makeup. We, the deviants. Never "I", never "you". Do you miss our strawberry kisses?

March 29, 2008

sweet. her sweet strawberries reminded me of you, my Almost Forever. Remember how you used to wear that? Strawberry Lip Chap?

March 28, 2008

She held the makeshift bong for me. Carried me away in a sweet, sweet high, like a good friend should.

March 27, 2008

Her lipchap stuck to the rim, sweet strawberries. She lit the bowl for me, like a good friend would.

March 26, 2008

You know, I'd rather be the devil. Everyone knows that whores make the best friends, now don't they?

March 25, 2008

"for a minute there, i lost myself." Why do we always return to our painful past comforts?

March 24, 2008

do you remember how you saved me? remember how i still think about you every night?

March 23, 2008

do you remember the first time we met? it was november. remember when we touched?

March 22, 2008

Where do you go when you do not exist? When "reality" no longer amuses?

March 21, 2008

Put baby in the washing machine, mother likes the smell of fabric softener.

March 20, 2008

You, Mister happy life, you do not deserve to be dead inside.

March 19, 2008

i hope you know they just pass right through me. ghost.

March 18, 2008

i hate your broken words, innanely falling from your lips.

March 17, 2008

i hate the way you look with drunk eyes.

March 16, 2008

and how your breath smells of stale reserves.

March 15, 2008

i hate it when you touch me,

March 14, 2008

still alone, except drinking more coffee.

March 13, 2008

tear me limb to limb.

March 12, 2008

wild, spiteful sweet orange.

March 11, 2008

coffee and cigarettes,

March 10, 2008

blackbird cult.

March 9, 2008

vermillion